How do you write a 3-skull review of a piece-of-shit movie like BIKINI BLOODBATH without adopting a somewhat defensive tone? Of course it’s not a good movie. That’s beside the point. But like a Burger King Whopper or an undeniably juicy episode of “The Hills” or “Saved By The Bell”, BIKINI BLOODBATH is so blatantly cruddy, it’s actually kind of good, especially after a few beers or maybe even a 24 oz. bottle of Robitussin.
A bunch of stupid bitches in varying degrees of hotness plan an awesome party, intentionally leaving out Suzy, the nerdy girl who has the occasional used tampon lobbed in her general direction. Meanwhile, the amusingly homoerotic football squad plans its own crazy party, complete with phallic balloons and the coach’s infamous s’mores (“the white stuff is marshmallow,” he stipulates). Prior to their big party, the girls’ aggressively lesbian gym teacher (Debbie Rochon) repeatedly warns them about the danger posed by The Chef, a crazed murderer sporting a jaunty white chef’s hat and ZZ Top facial hair, but that doesn’t stop the girls from getting together for some kick-ass montages and a few rockin’ tunes by White Liger, a heavy metal band that is simply THE TITS. Oh yeah, BIKINI BLOODBATH is RIDDLED with purposeless montages, all of them set to screeching metal riffs by the big haired White Liger: there’s a shopping montage (the girls heft melons and exchange enthusiastic thumbs up), a crazy girls’ party dance montage (with each girl getting her requisite 3 seconds of solo dance time in front of the camera), a Twister montage, and a crazy boys’ party montage, complete with the football players bumping and grinding to a ‘Footloose’ cover. Oh man, I’ll be the first to admit that this shit is NOT good, but it is crazily, undeniably entertaining.
Yes, nudity superfans, there are several pairs of tits prominently featured in BIKINI BLOODBATH, but unfortunately, the gore is weak. Very weak. At this point in the review, it behooves me to be as straight forward as is humanly possible: I repeat, this is not a good movie. But admittedly, I liked it, I laughed out loud several times, and I could NOT turn it off. If that isn’t the textbook definition of a 3-skull movie, I don’t know what is.