One-Eyed Monster (V)

Can you think of an even more shocking way to bite the dust than being mercilessly humped to death by none other than adult entertainment superstar Ron Jeremy? Yeah, of course you can… being mercilessy humped to death by Ron’s gigantic 9 ¾ inch dick without the rest of good ol’ Ron attached to it! A horrible thought, isn’t it? Sure, and unfortunately it’s one that even happened for real, cause that’s exactly the cruel fate that befell the cast and crew of a small porn film that was about to be shot in a remote cabin somewhere in the snow-covered mountains of North Carolina. Cause when the aging star of the film, Mr. Jeremy, went outside to take a little wee before his first scene, his body all of a sudden got occupied by a visitor from outer space, who promptly decided that the only part of Ron he really needed in order to take over the Earth was the famous actor’s infamous pecker. And from the moment of Ron’s best friend’s possession onwards, the hitherto cozy atmosphere on the set of WET DREAM GIRLS abruptly turns into an agonizing struggle to survive, cause an over-sized ONE-EYED MONSTER is on the loose and it’s not gonna spare anyone except for those who are willing to mate with it and thus help with the re-creation of its species on Earth.

The guys and gals who are set up against Ron’s king-size willie on a killing spree include the nerdy soundguy T.J., the cool-headed cameraman Jonah, the snobby director Jim, the shy make-up girl Laura and the hard-boiled Vietnam vet Mothz, as well as the handsome, young stars and starlets of the movie, namely Angel, Wanda, Rock and Lance. Being unable to flee from the cabin they’re trapped in due to a horrendous blizzard raging outside, they have to rely on their muscles, wit and endurance to fight back their worm-like attacker, but don’t be fooled… with the alien invader inside of it, Ron’s dick is smarter and stronger than ever and it strikes whenever you expect it the least. And once you see it coming (or should I rather say cuming), you’re already dead!

Honestly, fellas, with a plot like that, how in God’s name could a movie be anything else than pretty damn groovy? Well, of course there’d still be plenty of ways to screw it up anyway, but thankfully director Adam Fields skillfully navigates his campy b-movie vessel around each and every of these deadly cliffs and safely brings it home into the secure port of horror spoof awesomeness. The cast—consisting of big screen veterans, TV stars, adult entertainment icons and newcomers alike—delivers a solid and light-hearted performance across the board, the sets and locations look pretty nice, the cinematography and editing doesn’t leave room for complaints either and the dramatic score is very well done and hilariously self-ironic in equal measure. The special effects, though rather rare in number, are done in a charming, slightly clumsy old-school way and those of you, who also like their horror films to be spiced up with a little nudity, won’t have to miss out on anything either, as you can look forward to a funny-as-hell topless scene by cute-as-a-button porn starlet Carmen Hart.

The one thing, however, that I like more than anything else about ONE-EYED MONSTER, is its humor. I try to watch as many sleazy horror comedies as I can and even among those I enjoy it happens pretty rarely, that just about evey single joke really hits the mark… and that’s exactly what happened when I saw ONE-EYED MONSTER. I was giggling and laughing almost non-stop, cause from start to finish the movie is jam-packed with dry remarks, quotable one-liners, intendedly cheesy over-acting, funny slapstick and lots ‘n lots of homages to classic horror thrillers such as ALIEN, THE THING and NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD, as well as hilarious in-jokes on the porn business in general and the legend of Ron Jeremy in particular… his enormous schlock, his hedgehog-like body hair, his ability to felate himself, it’s all in there and subject to dozens of laugh-out-loud gags.

As you can imagine, for fans of Ron Jeremy, this movie is a definite must-see anyway. But even if you haven’t bowed down to the cult of the hedgehog yet, I still recommend you to check out ONE-EYED MONSTER nevertheless, cause either way it’s a charming and helluva funny little lowbudget flick that’s an almost perfect choice to crack up an otherwise boring Saturday evening… just imagine ORGAZMO, PERVERT!, EVIL DEAD 2, SLITHER and THE ALIEN FACTOR caught up in a no-holds-barred gangbang and nine months later one of ‘em gives birth to a freaky lil’ bastard child called ONE-EYED MONSTER!

 

Official Score