Red River (V)

Set in a small town in the backwoods of Kentucky, the story of Roland Thatcher family man, business man, and man of God, who doesn’t take kindly to strangers. When a group of city kids sets up camp on the outskirts of his property, they spark a chain of events culminating in bloodshed, dismemberment and mass murder. As a local, fledgling reporter inches closer to the Thatcher property, the shocking truth about Roland and his ‘family’ may finally emerge in the 2011 indie horror film Red River directed by Jacob Ennis (Stash, Haunted Kentucky: Spirits of the Bluegrass).

This film may very well be the worse movie I have seen so far this year featuring dreadful acting, unbearable writing, and a story so cliché and predictable you will feel as if you were once tricked into watching this atrocious movie before. Red River attempts to pay homage to 70s style exploitation but ends up simply producing yet another uninspired and unneeded film. The only strong point that Red River manages to create is some pretty brutal practical special effects, but this is not nearly enough to save it from itself.

The main baddie Roland Thatcher has to be the most annoying serial killer to ever walk the earth, he requires a voice box to speak much like “South Park”’s Ned and when he fails to place it up to his throat he instead makes the most irritating sounds known to man. There are times when he is chasing victims through the wilderness sounding like a hundred year old man with the worse case of super flu known to man forcing you to seriously consider muting the sound until he stops trying to work the snot loose from his throat. On top this annoyance we are also forced into endless dialog containing the most cliché and outdated “redneck” stereotypical humor that I have been subjected to in sometime. I would much rather be forced to listen to “Larry the Cable Guy” records on repeat for days on end then ever have to sit through the feeble attempts of humor made during the runtime of Red River again.

As I mentioned above Red River only has one strong point and that is some pretty gory splatter style special effects that will remind you of the hay day of low budget gore you that you may of fell in love with during the ’70s and ’80s. The special effects really make you want to like this film but as hard as you may try to tell yourself it is not as bad as it seems you just can’t trick yourself into not being absolutely miserable during its entire runtime.

Overall I simply cannot recommend this movie to anyone and would advise you not bother wasting your time with this one. Die hard gore hounds with nothing better to do may find some joy out of Red River, but in the end it’s just not worth having to sit through one of the most boring cookie cutter horror films I have seen in some time.

Official Score