Movies
Behemoth (V)
“I hate feeling like I’m being overly analytical of a film that clearly doesn’t deserve it, and had this have been just another fun B-movie romp, I probably wouldn’t have judged it quite so harshly. If you take your terrible film this seriously though, it deserves all of the vitriol that it receives. As far as Maneater/SyFy films go, “Behemoth” is a complete dud.”
When you sit down to watch a SyFy original film, you pretty much know what kind of experience awaits you. Bad acting, convoluted plot, and terrible CG special effects, these are all of the components that form films that are shown on SyFy. Most of the time, the films are unwatchable, but every now and then, a shiny “so bad it’s good” turd emerges from the compost heap. Unfortunately “Behemoth” is not one of these films.
When making a bad movie, the one thing you can do to find an audience, is to make sure that the viewer has fun. Some SyFy flicks are wall to wall creature on creature action, with a few human casualties thrown into the mix. The mistake that the crew behind “Behemoth” made, was that they tried to take the film much more seriously than it deserves. A low budget creature feature has no business being a slow burning flick, unless there’s an extremely talented director behind the camera. The creature doesn’t even appear until almost 45 minutes into the 90 minute runtime, and that’s just a quick glimpse at a giant eyeball peering through a hole in a rock, and a large swipe of what appears to be flex duct tubing.
The story never really materializes, combining elements of both cautionary environmental tales, as well as ancient world-changing catastrophic events. This is all somehow tied to Earth’s comeuppance, a punishment for our collective sins. As stated above though, these things are never really tied into the overall arch of the story, and little lip-service is paid to any one element of the mythology outside of a quick, unexplained mention. There’s a crazy old man, filled to the brim with apocalyptic theories of the world’s impending demise. What little explanation that is provided comes from his crazy ramblings that, until the giant “Tremors” knock-off emerges from the ground are written off as ramblings of a lunatic.
By the time the full scale of the creature is revealed, there are about 10 minutes left in the flick, and you’ve probably stopped caring a long time ago. There’s little to no creature/human interaction, no battle whatsoever, and a very small, almost completely bloodless body-count. Some movies find their way to the SyFy channel because of their outlandish, over-the-top nature. Some just have a hard time finding distribution. In the case of “Behemoth” it’s just a bad movie all-around. Even if you follow these films religiously, it’s a safe bet to go ahead and give this one a skip and wait for the next giant mutant creature cage match. There’s no fun to be had here, and nothing even remotely interested to look forward to.
I hate feeling like I’m being overly analytical of a film that clearly doesn’t deserve it, and had this have been just another fun B-movie romp, I probably wouldn’t have judged it quite so harshly. If you take your terrible film this seriously though, it deserves all of the vitriol that it receives. As far as Maneater/SyFy films go, “Behemoth” is a complete dud.
One of the all-time foundational fixtures in horror is the vampire. That means over a century’s worth of bloodsuckers in film, in various styles and mythology, from across the globe.
As prominent as this movie monster is, with dozens of adaptations of Bram Stoker’s Dracula alone, there’s an overwhelming selection of vampire fare that makes it easy for many worthwhile gems to fall through the cracks. This week’s streaming picks are dedicated to underseen vampire horror movies worth seeking out.
As always, here’s where you can stream them this week.
For more Stay Home, Watch Horror picks, click here.
Mr. Vampire – The Criterion Channel – Plex, the Roku Channel
This supernatural genre-bender from director Ricky Lau stands far apart from standard vampire fare thanks to its comedy, martial arts, and jiangshi. Taoist priest Master Kau (Lam Ching-ying) guards the realm of the living by maintaining control over the area’s hopping vampires, and other restless spirits. When Master Kau is hired to oversee the reburial of an affluent town elder, he and his two bumbling assistants find themselves in a supernatural battle to the death when the elder’s corpse resurrects as jiangshi. Produced by martial artist and Hong Kong cinema legend Sammo Hung, Mr. Vampire was a huge box office success in Hong Kong and launched a franchise. Still, it’s a charming, lively horror comedy that could use more love among contemporary audiences.
My Heart Can’t Beat Unless You Tell It To – Plex, Prime Video, SCREAMBOX
Writer/Director Jonathan Cuartas‘s feature debut feels like a spiritual sibling to We Are What We Are in many ways. Both offer meditative, brooding depictions of isolated families far removed from the rest of the world. Both families are willing to commit unspeakable acts on behalf of their loved ones. In this case, siblings Dwight (Patrick Fugit) and Jessie (Ingrid Sophie Schram) find themselves routinely tasked with murder so their sickly younger brother Thomas (Owen Campbell, Super Dark Times) can have the fresh blood to survive. In the vein of The Transfiguration or Martin, this brooding debut feature grounds its vampirism in reality and focuses on the constricting, devastating toll of familial obligation.
The Night of the Devils – Kanopy
A disturbed man, Nicola, recounts the story of getting stranded in the woods, only to find refuge in a charming family’s house. The longer he’s there, the more he uncovers something is deeply amiss. Witches, vampires, and sordid family secrets ensue. Like Mario Bava’s anthology segment “The Wurdulak” in Black Sabbath, The Night of the Devils is also based on The Family of the Vourdalak by Aleksey Konstantinovich Tolstoy. Director Giorgio Ferroni balances the gore and sleaze with haunting Gothic atmosphere and stunning cinematography. While it’s methodical in its buildup, the craftmanship and grim ending make this underseen Italian and Spanish co-production worth the watch.
Sundown: The Vampire in Retreat – Fandango at Home (formerly Vudu), Plex, the Roku Channel
Director Anthony Hickox (Waxwork, Hellraiser III) has a blast with his high concept horror comedy that sees vampires living in the reclusive desert town Purgatory. They seek a peaceful life, with the plan to get an artificial blood factory in operation. Everything goes off without a hitch until Van Helsing’s descendant, Robert Van Helsing (Bruce Campbell), arrives in town. It’s a vampire western horror comedy that lovingly pokes fun at vampire tropes. The simple setup becomes anything but thanks to town politics, new tourists, and Van Helsing’s irresistibility to a vampire (Deborah Foreman). David Carradine presides over the vampire hijinks as Count Jozek Mardulak. For those looking for something fun and lighthearted, this pick is your best bet.
Vamp – AMC+, Plex, the Roku Channel, Shudder, Tubi
This highly entertaining horror comedy features a vampire that doesn’t get nearly enough attention; Grace Jones exudes raw power as vamp Katrina. Robert Rusler and Chris Makepeace star as two fraternity pledges that venture into the city to hire a stripper, all to impress their frat brothers. They find themselves in a shady part of town, unaware that the dive bar they’ve entered is full of vampires. Naturally, they find themselves in an all-night battle for survival. The neon haze-soaked urban setting makes for a refreshing change of pace. The bromance between the leads is as sweet as it is funny. Most of all, though, watch for Grace Jones’ riveting performance.
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