Boasting a big-breasted vampire seductress, a mush-mouthed Irish cowboy, a shit ton of family drama, a plot rooted in creationism, and a lilting country-western soundtrack that kicks in at the most inappropriate of moments, Umbrage: The First Vampire isn’t a genre mash-up as much as it is a genre clusterfuck.
Beginning with a stylish old-West preface that has a gunslinger taken down by a snarling vamp, Umbrage promptly settles into present day movie-of-week mode after the opening credits, as supposedly teenaged Rachel is sent to live with her ex-stepfather and his pregnant wife in a big house out in the English countryside. The goth-grunge Rachel is petulant, confrontational, and hyper-annoying––in fact, most of the first third of Umbrage consists of screechy family arguments, with poor Doug Bradley (that’s right: Pinhead, himself) trying desperately to match the volume of the two headache-inducing females.
When not focused on grating family melodrama, Umbrage cuts to a couple of male campers, drinking wine and ripping farts out in the woods. A woman approaches their campsite, claiming to be a bird-watcher (?), and one of the campers attempts to seduce her, farts and all. When he’s later found propped against a tree with his chin and genitals ripped off, the remaining camper and the birdwatcher flee to the country house, where they takes refuge with the Bickering Brits. A big fat wad of incoherent mythology follows, a buncha horseshit about obsidian mirrors and flesh-tearing shadows and wiener-ripping mother vampires and ages-old vendettas, all of it interspersed with the occasional slo-mo cowboy montage backed by strains of wailing harmonica.
The problems with Umbrage are legion––from the silly-ass story to the complete lack of scares to the Adam and Eve flashback rape, it’s a movie that seems ill conceived from the very beginning. Writer/director Drew Cunningham certainly has his moments of visual panache, but his best efforts as a cinematic stylist are repeatedly sodomized by his own asinine script.
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This Week in Horror - November 6, 2017 - Pet Sematary, Horror ...
Starry Eyes duo Dennis Widmyer and Kevin Kolsch will take over the Pet Sematary Remake, 2017 was the best year for horror movies ever, and James O'Barr will be heavily involved in the upcoming The Crow film. It's THIS WEEK IN HORROR with Whitney Moore!Posted by Bloody Disgusting on Tuesday, November 7, 2017