I admit it, I watched the hell out of Jersey Shore. Every rotten season of it. When Snooki first walked into the beach house dragging trash bags as luggage, I was there. When Ronnie knocked that kid out with one punch, I loved it. And when the Situation drove his own head into a wall to get out of fighting Ronnie, I laughed my ass off. My viewing had nothing to do with being from Jersey, I’m simply a glutton for schadenfreude and the anthropological study of assholes.
It’s been two years now since Jersey Shore left the air and there’s been a gaping hole in my heart ever since (not really though). That’s why the announcement of Paul Tornopol’s slasher-comedy Jersey Shore Massacre got me all excited. How hard can it be to successfully parody the bronzed bennies and poofy-haired boneheads of my beloved reality show and throw in some fun kills?
Apparently more difficult than it seems.
Jersey Shore Massacre starts with a group of hair stylists “goin’ down the shore.” When they arrive, they find that their stoner landlord (Ron Jeremy, duh) has mistakenly rented out their timeshare to another group of equally obnoxious girls. Teresa (Danielle Dallacco) offers up her gangster uncle’s woodland estate in the Pine Barrens as an alternative. Begrudgingly, the girls head into the woods for an alternative weekend getaway.
From there, Jersey Shore Massacre goes through the slasher beats, with a neighboring cannibal as the prime suspect. Mixed in with the slasher elements is the sexual aggressiveness and misogyny Jersey Shore was known for. Then again, slashers are known for that as well, so it’s all business as usual in those departments.
The cast is made up of a bunch of believably trashy chest-beaters and guidettes, though none of them are particularly adept in the acting department. it’s never a good sign when Ron Jeremy is the only recognizable name in a film (outside of a porno, if you’re into watching a troll doll meshed with a mangy Mario ravage women).
My biggest problem with the film is that it doesn’t embellish the madness of its source material. It’s not a clever parody at all. It plays out like a typical slasher, but the victims happen to say “youse guys” instead of “you guys” and they go tanning. The cast is just doing bad impressions of the Jersey Shore cast without any effort. Aside from JWoww listed as an executive producer, Jersey Shore Massacre has nothing to do or in common with the show. That’s what I was looking forward to! I watch enough lousy DTV slashers already!
Jersey Shore Massacre is now in limited theaters and hits DVD and Blu-ray on August 26.
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