[Review] ‘Jersey Shore Massacre’ Fails In the Parody Department

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I admit it, I watched the hell out of Jersey Shore. Every rotten season of it. When Snooki first walked into the beach house dragging trash bags as luggage, I was there. When Ronnie knocked that kid out with one punch, I loved it. And when the Situation drove his own head into a wall to get out of fighting Ronnie, I laughed my ass off. My viewing had nothing to do with being from Jersey, I’m simply a glutton for schadenfreude and the anthropological study of assholes.

It’s been two years now since Jersey Shore left the air and there’s been a gaping hole in my heart ever since (not really though). That’s why the announcement of Paul Tornopol’s slasher-comedy Jersey Shore Massacre got me all excited. How hard can it be to successfully parody the bronzed bennies and poofy-haired boneheads of my beloved reality show and throw in some fun kills?

Apparently more difficult than it seems.

Jersey Shore Massacre starts with a group of hair stylists “goin’ down the shore.” When they arrive, they find that their stoner landlord (Ron Jeremy, duh) has mistakenly rented out their timeshare to another group of equally obnoxious girls. Teresa (Danielle Dallacco) offers up her gangster uncle’s woodland estate in the Pine Barrens as an alternative. Begrudgingly, the girls head into the woods for an alternative weekend getaway.

From there, Jersey Shore Massacre goes through the slasher beats, with a neighboring cannibal as the prime suspect. Mixed in with the slasher elements is the sexual aggressiveness and misogyny Jersey Shore was known for. Then again, slashers are known for that as well, so it’s all business as usual in those departments.

The cast is made up of a bunch of believably trashy chest-beaters and guidettes, though none of them are particularly adept in the acting department. it’s never a good sign when Ron Jeremy is the only recognizable name in a film (outside of a porno, if you’re into watching a troll doll meshed with a mangy Mario ravage women).

My biggest problem with the film is that it doesn’t embellish the madness of its source material. It’s not a clever parody at all. It plays out like a typical slasher, but the victims happen to say “youse guys” instead of “you guys” and they go tanning. The cast is just doing bad impressions of the Jersey Shore cast without any effort. Aside from JWoww listed as an executive producer, Jersey Shore Massacre has nothing to do or in common with the show. That’s what I was looking forward to! I watch enough lousy DTV slashers already!

Jersey Shore Massacre is now in limited theaters and hits DVD and Blu-ray on August 26.

Official Score

  • This-is-Beetle

    WGAS/WGAF
    Why review this? It’s a joke of a movie anyways. I’m only watching it to see Stern Show members. If you had any sort of high expectations going into this movie, then you need your head checked. I’ll enjoy it for the cheesy acting and cheap production, as well as seeing Richard, Sal, and Bigfoot, it is.

    • This-is-Beetle

      Also, It’s obvious that you aren’t a wordsmith or even a decent writer, but you could at least check your grammar and check your spelling. Thanks

      From their –> From there.

      Annnnd you’re welcome. Have a good day, bud.

      • John

        Hopefully Bigfoot will finger his mailman in this it is.

        • This-is-Beetle

          Just wait for the director’s cut.

      • Patrick Cooper

        Thank you for your thought provoking insight and an extra special thanks for taking the time to correct my grammar. You’re a star, bud!

        And yes, I do have expectations for every film I watch, even the ones built on good-natured lousiness.

        • This-is-Beetle

          Anytime, pal, but don’t let me keep you from diddling your stuffed ALF dolls tonight. Enjoy! All joking aside, thanks for your contribution to this site. Looking forward to some reviews on some actual horror movies.

          • Patrick Cooper

            As ALF would say, “No problem!”

          • This-is-Beetle

            Haha! I love it

  • Khy

    As I sated numerous times in other articles about this movie- The joke falls flat the moment you put it in your DVD/BluRay player simply because Jersey Shore stopped being this huge thing two years ago. No doubt this movie would have been perfect circa 2010/2011 but now it feels like a wannabe cool parent asking their child how to sign up for Myspace. Failing to realize that Is long over.

  • Lyle Chip Chipperson

    ttsssss i thought it was fwawkin hilarious ttttsssssss

  • Anthony Gulino

    I wouldnt mind an occasional horror/comedy or parody if I could watch a straight up decent Horror flick from time to time… So many sh!t horror films and then theres this endless push of bad horror comedy.. Just off the top of my head All Cheerleaders Die,Hell Baby, Dead Before Dawn, Ghost Team One and Stage Fright.. Amazing these films seem to have no problems getting financed…
    by the way I cant F-ing wait for Zombeavers to come out !!!!!!!!!!!!

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  • Grimphantom

    I personally hate these type of parodies since it’s not really making fun of something everyone hates but to give it publicity so people watch on what are they making fun off, just like Twilight. When it comes to a parody it does need the right direction to make funny then just get a cheap laugh at it.

  • Taboo

    I can tell this is terrible just by looking at the images.

  • OceanSlaughter

    I may or may not be wrong, but I bet there’s a sex scene or two in this movie.

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  • gp1086

    I posted a review to my YouTube channel as well.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TcHabM9dcMI&list=UUxF9Bv6_kf5OjYq9z6KtoCQ

  • Riley Dutcher

    It was actually Angelina who had the trash bags as luggage.