You might be a horror nerd if...

Post Ghost

You're about to smoke medical marijuana and try to re-watch all 18 hours of Twin Peaks: The Return in one sitting.

You spent a solid fifteen minutes today wondering if the ending to The Grapes of Death (Les Raisins de la Mort) was supposed to be romantic or nihilistic, or both.

People think you're a total psycho when they see your DVD collection. When they ask, "don't you have a romance we can watch?" the closest you can get is The Living Dead Girl (La Morte Vivante).

You think HP Lovecraft was more talented than William Shakespeare.

You know what "vomit gore" is.

You have an account with an online horror forum.

Willowfang

You might be a horror nerd if

You thought that in the book, Pet Semetary had a more romantic ending than Romeo and Juliette...

You think Pamela Voorhees was a better mother than June Cleaver

You think Godzilla is just a misunderstood environmentalist

Post Ghost

@Willowfang All those things are definitely true.

Pamela Voorhees was a single mom raising a mentally retarded mutant by herself, while also trying to make ends meet by working at a summer camp with a bunch of obnoxious teenagers. June Cleaver had the perfect nuclear family in some suburban utopia and probably didn't even have a job.

I think Pet Semetary was the one that put King into Lovecraft/Poe territory. From Carrie to Tommyknockers are all great, but Pet Semetary is the one that gave me nightmares.

Godzilla was an environmental warning to us all about the dangers of nuclear radiation.

Mayday

You giggle with glee like a schoolgirl when you watch the horror villain disgustingly dispatch another victim.

Glass Eater

You might be a horror nerd when you wish Roger Ebert a speedy trip to hell because you find out he gave Hellraiser a 0.5 Star out of 4.

Midnight-Kroovy

You might be a horror nerd if you exercise to Linnea Quigley's Horror Workout.

Neilold

if you don't question a slasher movie icon catching his victims by walking incredibly slowly

you expect cars never to start first time

you consider running out of a house and keeping running the most logical thing to do

you expect your bathroom mirror to be simply a bathroom irrror

Neilold

you think a british accent makes a killer more menacing/sexy

you would consider an ancient castle the perfect place to stay to escape from the thunder and lightning

strolls across the moors in the middle of the night seem a reasonable way to pass time

Neilold

I worked out regularly to linnea Quigley, and now my right hand wrist is ten times stronger than it used to be:)

Post Ghost

You ask people if they read Sutter Cane.

Post Ghost

I was thinking about the closeted lesbians of Twin Peaks. Laura and Donna's relationship in Fire Walk With Me felt like more than just friends. Maybe it was the natural chemistry between actresses Sheryl Lee and replacement-Donna Moira Kelly, because I didn't pick up that vibe between Lee and TV-Donna Lara Flynn Boyle in the series.

And then there's Shelly and Norma. In "The Return" I was surprised by how Norma and Shelly were behaving more like lovers than friends or coworkers inside the diner. Then I remembered the part in Fire Walk With Me (The Missing Pieces) when Shelly calls Norma "sweetheart" and gazes at her adoringly.

None of these women ever shack up together, because Laura is dating Bobby and James, Donna is probably fucking Mike Nelson, Shelly is with Bobby and Leo, and Norma is in love with Ed Hurley. Are lesbians allowed to exist in the town of Twin Peaks (not counting the skanky three-ways Laura has with coked-up hookers in motel rooms)?