Next to Livid and Your’e Next I was most excited for the TIFF premiere of Francis Ford Coppola’s Twixt, which was said to grow out of a nightmare by the infamous director of Godfather. What he perceives as a nightmare translates into cheesy ’90s movie starring a fat Val Kilmer.

Kilmer stars as writer with a declining career who arrives in a small town as part of his book tour and gets caught up in a murder mystery involving a young girl. That night in a dream, he is approached by a mysterious young ghost named V (Elle Fanning). It leads to him co-writing his new novel, “The Vampire Executions”, with the local sheriff. He continually forces himself to sleep to learn how the story will end.

The pic is already slated for a bizarre theatrical run where Coppola plans on editing the film live based on audience reactions. It’s an absolutely terrible idea as the only reaction out of my theater were scoffs and laughs, especially when the giant pair of 3-D glasses swim on screen prompting the audience to pop theirs on. Even more bizarre was how pointless and short the 3-D sequences were, both of which also had the audience chuckling.

The real joke, though, is the actual plot. The audience is forced to watch how a crappy writer is inspired by a lame local tale to write an even more stupid story. Kilmer, Fanning, and all of the locals carry zero charisma making Twixt a shocking bore without a single shred of charm. Once again the protagonist, played by Kilmer, is a piece of sh*t that the audience will root against. Why must filmmakers make such unlikeable characters? It’s a lifeless tale that also looked cheap and crappy.

It is with great displeasure in reporting back that Twixt is an absolutely horrible film. The 3-D experience is beyond pointless, and no matter how many edited versions Coppola has up his sleeve, it can’t be salvaged. Twixt a bland, cheesy, poorly shot snoozer that isn’t even fun as a midnight movie.