The most boring horror film of 2011. No contest.

I, of course, watch a lot of horror films. Most of them, direct to DVD, or indie efforts. I like to put them straight into the DVD player without reading others’ reviews – never knowing what I’ll get. Unfortunately, there are a lot of bad films out there. One of the worst I’d ever had to sit through was Horrors of War. Followed closely by the equally sleep inducing Toy Box. I’m sure you all have your legends of the poor. I dare you to drop the bottom out on all of it by sitting through Deadrise.

In Deadrise, your high point will be the first few minutes reacquainting yourself with Renee O’Connor, who looks great since her days at Xena: Warrior Princess. She is assessing an old ship for historic status when her car is disabled, forcing her to spend the night on the old rig with its caretaker. The rest of this film is boring chat, and its at this point you need to ask yourself, “Do I want to wait another 80 minutes to find out whats going on?” Because, honestly, if you think for about a minute, its a real simple,run-of-the-mill mystery to figure out. And you really wont miss anything worth talking about along the way.

I saw the opening title and was ready for some zombie action. Maybe a bad ripoff on the ‘Dead Rising’ video games. Maybe just one drop of fucking blood. But no. Nothing. Just two people talking in an abandoned boat. For the better part of 90 minutes. They didn’t even think to shorten this down to 80 – hell 70 minutes? Deadrise‘s twist is an idea for a short. Not a feature length film.

I’m warning you people. Don’t touch this film with a ten foot pole. You’ll induce more of the same to be produced – and it will kill the genre as we know it.

I personally hate bashing up and coming efforts. Id rather not say anything else at all, than to go out of my way to bruise a cast and crew’s pride and reflection of work. I just don’t get off on it. But holy crap – I wouldn’t feel right going forth another day without warning you all! Like an engine with no oil – this shit could cause your senses to forever seize from some seriously chart-topping lack of stimulation.

Grossest, most horrible part of this film? When they sit at a table to talk (some more!?) and eat sausages. The sausages taste a little gamey, and it makes Renee O’Connor wince, and drink some beer.

A late friend, Michael Hein (producer of independent horror films) got angry with me when he read this review – upset that I would undermine someone’s genuinely independent horror effort with trash talk. I tried to convince him that this was one of the most uneventful horror films ever made. I dared him to sit through it (so he would understand my reasoning) and the poor fellow passed away a few weeks later. Maybe the silver lining of it all was that he was spared this exercise in sleep denial.

You think I’m kidding?

There should be a law.