Last night a whopping 2.6 million (approximation) people stuck around after the MTV Movie Awards for the premiere episode of “Teen Wolf”, with the second half airing tonight at 10PM.

Bloody’s Lauren Taylor took one for the team, sitting through the entire first half in hopes of stumbling onto something extraordinary. Unfortunately, she witnessed an atrocity that she says would have Michael J. Fox, if dead, rolling in his grave. It was so bad, in fact, that she opted to skip tonight’s conclusion and instead is hoping to keep your eyes from enduring such garbage with this snarky review. Say your piece after the 0 skulls review.

Last night, MTV premiered the first of the two part premiere of their “remake” of Teen Wolf. Sorry, BD fans, you are only getting a review of part one as I physically cannot bring myself to watch part two after the trauma that has been inflicted.

Let’s remind ourselves of the original – as it is all we really do want/need to remember. A really quick breakdown goes like this:

Scott Howard is a wimpy 17-year-old and plays basketball, but not very well. His dad runs the local hardware store. The girl of his dreams, Pamela, dates Mick, the jerk star of the opposing high school basketball team. Scott starts to notice changes to his body, etc – and eventually becomes a werewolf. His father, too, is a werewolf – yet never told him as “sometimes it skips a generation” and he was hoping it wouldn’t happen to Scott. Scott eventually embraces The Wolf, with help of his eager friend Stiles, and wows the crowds as he wins games for his team. He becomes popular and gets Pamela while ignoring the affections of his best friend, Boof, who has loved him since childhood.

In the end, Scott realizes being himself is the best thing – and puts The Wolf away – winning the final basketball game on his own!

Now, let’s take a look at this remake. We all knew it was going to be catered to the pitiful Twilight generation. On a side note, I have not, nor will I ever read a “Twilight” novel or see one of the movies because, well, I am normal.

However, for the love of this site – I respectfully give you a breakdown of this pilot.

Scott is an all American teen who plays on his high school’s lacrosse team. His friend, Stiles, is a deviant, whose dad is a cop. We immediately start the show with Stiles telling Scott that his dad was just called into the woods – as there is half of a dead body that has been found! Of course, Stiles and Scott go looking for the other half – commencing with Scott being bitten by a wolf!! NOOOO!!

The next day at school, we meet Jackson – Scott’s penis car driving rival, and his girlfriend, Lydia. Scott is sitting in class when all of a sudden – a cell phone goes off! He looks around and finds it is COMING FROM OUTSIDE! (This scene has NOTHING on the dog whistle in the original. I am nauseous thinking about attempting a comparison.)The cell phone belongs to the new girl, Allison – who quickly is befriended by Lydia – however, also immediately takes a liking to Scott. (Of course.)

What is also immediate is Scott’s sudden improvement in lacrosse playing. He is catching balls hiked by Jackson – what a crazy twist! Yes, unlike the underlying puberty metaphor the original lays out, this show is sudden and its movements are hard to track – not that I care to and actually its predictable while being difficult but maybe I’m looking for quality…

Suddenly we are in an animal clinic that Scott apparently works in. He goes to feed the cats – and oh no! – they start hissing and freaking out – then Allison is pounding on the door because she hit a dog in the rain (of course). The dog barks at him, but when Scott’s eyes glow yellow – the dog is suddenly cool with him. Scott woos Allison and they decide to go to the big party Friday night together.

The next thing we know – Scott is waking up in the woods! And apparently when you turn into a werewolf – you leave your boxers on!! Score!

Then Jackson is making threats, accusing Scott of steroids. Then Stiles becomes suspicious, too. Because, really, how is Scott suddenly so good at sports?! When Stiles gets too angry – that’s when Scott breaks – and briefly goes into a pseudo wolf mode! What is happening to him? Oh nooooo….

Fast forward again (or are we in a normal order? I don’t know at this point…) and we’re at the party! Oh crap! Scott’s turning as he’s dancing with Allison! This can’t happen! Noooo! He rushes home and, as Stiles tries to talk to him through a closed door, Scott jumps slo-mo from a window.

And as he hits the ground – he begins to growl.
Ooo, baby.

Then he’s in the woods again (with the worst werewolf makeup I’ve ever seen – and that’s saying a lot – but we have to keep it sexy, you know) and he’s being hunted by werewolf hunters. And it’s just totally crazy. But Scott makes it and Stiles knows he’s a werewolf and it’s all good again! Scott even makes up with Allison at school – you know, since he left her at the party alone.

Her dad is there to pick her up…
Oh no…it can’t be!
He’s one of the werewolf hunters!!!!!!!
*doomed music*

Dear god. I can’t believe I lost 40 minutes of my life. This shows just how much I love you all. Remember that.

Basically, here is the review – if you are ready to waste time thinking that werewolves are sexy – then go ahead and enjoy this show. I promise not to laugh too loud at you.

For those of us who know better, please, go watch the original and remember when the human race still had hope.

0/5 Skulls