Connect with us

Editorials

The Top Ten Devil-Themed Horror Films for Christmas!

Published

on

It’s easy to forget the true meaning of the Christmas holiday amidst all the bustle and forced calorie-laden cheer. At every turn, it seems we’re assaulted by sparkly displays in store windows, Perry Como songs on a loop, and those super annoying Gap TV ads with the blandly attractive dancing models. But see, all of that’s just a distraction – because the holiday was originally celebrated to commemorate the birth of this little guy named Jesus, you might have heard of him. Tall, bearded, long hair, white robes, Birkenstocks. Yeah, that dude. The one you’re supposed to accept into your heart if you’re to be saved from burning in hellfire for all eternity (or so I’ve heard). Ah, whatever. Forget Jesus – the Dark One is calling you. See, genre fans know what the holiday is really all about: bad-ass religion-themed horror films that utilize the fear of Hell and the Devil to leave us grabbing for those phantom rosary beads. Here’s a list of the ten best.

The Top Ten Devil-Themed Horror Films for Christmas!

10. The Beyond (1981)


When you think about it, Lucio Fulci movies are sort of like top-shelf pornography for gore-hounds. The dialogue is terrible, the acting is sub-par, and the plots are something of an afterthought, but they look great. And the money shots, well…they don’t come much better. This one involves an old hotel in Louisiana that just so happens to be built over one of the seven gateways to Hell (get out your crucifixes!). My favorite kill is probably the one with the man-eating spiders, but there’s a host of other great ones here.

Choice sacrilegious dialogue: “Woe be unto him who opens one of the seven gateways to Hell, because through that gateway, evil will invade the world.” – Emily (Cinzia Monreale), reading from the book of Eibon

9. The Sentinel (1977)


Think Models, Inc. meets Rosemary’s Baby, and you’ll have a pretty good idea of what’s in store here. Cristina Raines (who?) stars as a supermodel moving into an old apartment building that just so happens to be the gateway to Hell. The final sequence – featuring a host of actual deformed people portraying demons – is kinda awesome in a horribly offensive way. Added bonus: it features the mom from National Lampoon’s Vacation masturbating through a leotard!

Choice sacrilegious dialogue: “You are the chosen of the lord God, the tyrant and our enemy.” – Charles Chazen (Burgess Meredith)

8. Blood on Satan’s Claw (1971)


This period British horror movie – in the tradition of films like The Wicker Man and Eye of the Devil — concerns a group of youngsters, led by the seductive Angel Blake (Linda Hayden), who have taken to Devil worship. The movie is relatively creepy, with a good evocation of the period and some fine performances. While by today’s standards it’s pretty tame, there are a few genuinely unnerving sequences, one that concerns the brutal rape and ritual sacrifice of a young girl.

Choice sacrilegious dialogue: “Spirit of the Dark, take thou my blood, my flesh, my skin and walk.” – Random Devil-worshipping chick chanting just before a virgin sacrifice

7. The House of the Devil (2009)


A special shout-out to this recent offering by auteur Ti West, which offers a period `80s horror film that looks as if it could have been shot during the early days of John Carpenter. Jocelin Donahue stars as Samantha, the unlucky girl who answers an ad for a babysitter and gets way more than she bargained for. The movie is a slow build, but the climax is a doozy. Particularly for children of the Satanic-ritual-abuse obsessed 1980s, this one is likely to stir up some long-dormant fears.

Choice sacrilegious dialogue: “Talk to me, Lord. Talk to me.” – Mrs. Ulman (Mary Woronov), praying to that other God

6. The Devil’s Advocate (1997)


Despite being burdened with the wooden presence of Keanu Reeves (although this is one of his better performances), The Devil’s Advocate is damn good fun, thanks to a boisterous over-the-top performance by Al Pacino (as Lucifer), a smart script, and some great visuals. Charlize Theron does her best Rosemary Woodhouse impersonation (complete with fab new short hairdo!) playing Reeves’ wife as she slowly descends into madness.

Choice sacrilegious dialogue: “Who, in their right mind Kevin, could possibly deny the twentieth century was entirely mine?” – John Milton aka Lucifer (Al Pacino)

5. The Omen (1976)


The hokiest and possibly the most dated of the three American-made late-`60s/`70s Satanic blockbusters (including The Exorcist and Rosemary’s Baby), The Omen still stands head and shoulders above most other horror films. Young Harvey Stephens is genius as Damien, the cherubic little boy with the big bad secret (he’s the Antichrist, in case you didn’t know). The final shot still chills my blood.

Choice sacrilegious dialogue: “Look at me, Damien! It’s all for you!” – Nanny (Holly Palance), just before hanging herself from the roof of the house

4. Drag Me To Hell (2009)


This film is pretty much a literal interpretation of every God-fearing Christian’s worst nightmare – the pits of Hell opening up to devour their sinful asses. Yeah it’s PG-13, but there’s still plenty of gross-out material to rank with Raimi’s best. Overall the movie has a lot of fun with its premise, but the final twist is still liable to send all the good Catholics rushing for the confession box.

Choice sacrilegious dialogue: “I desire the SOUL of Christine Brown. We will FEAST upon it while she festers in the grave!” – Shaun San Dena [possessed by the Lamia] (Adriana Barraza)

3. Hellraiser (1987)


Hellraiser may not be your typical Christian-themed horror movie, but any film where a character utters the phrase “Jesus wept” before being ripped to pieces is just begging to be included on a list like this. The main idea behind the film is that pain and pleasure (those two seemingly contradictory sensations functioning as tidy metaphors for good and evil) are essentially indivisible. Confirming the suspicions of many of us that all those hours spent seat-squirming in Sunday school were a total waste of our time.

Choice sacrilegious dialogue: “We’ll tear your soul apart!” – Pinhead (Doug Bradley)

2. Rosemary’s Baby (1968)


Possibly director/child-rapist Roman Polanski’s greatest film, Rosemary’s Baby manages to do what most horror movies fail at: it gets right under your skin. It also functions as the blackest of comedies, helped along by a game cast including John Cassavetes as the actor willing to do anything – and I mean anything – to become a movie star. Not showing the Devil child at the end was a masterstroke (the film is a genius exercise in less-is-more filmmaking); Polanski understands that what viewers work up in their minds is more terrifying than any visual he could have come up with.

Choice sacrilegious dialogue: “God is dead! Satan Lives!” – Roman Castevet (Sidney Blackmer)

1. The Exorcist (1973)


Not only the best Christian-themed horror film of all time, but one of the best horror films of all time period, The Exorcist retains its power to disturb and fan the flames of religious fear to this day. You’re all gonna gripe that this is an obvious choice, but it’s an obvious choice for a reason: because it’s a great film that holds up like a champion, 36 years after its debut.

Choice sacrilegious dialogue: “Let Jesus fuck you! Let Jesus fuck you!” – Regan MacNeil (Linda Blair), whilst masturbating with a crucifix

Advertisement
2 Comments

Editorials

‘A Haunted House’ and the Death of the Horror Spoof Movie

Published

on

Due to a complex series of anthropological mishaps, the Wayans Brothers are a huge deal in Brazil. Around these parts, White Chicks is considered a national treasure by a lot of people, so it stands to reason that Brazilian audiences would continue to accompany the Wayans’ comedic output long after North America had stopped taking them seriously as comedic titans.

This is the only reason why I originally watched Michael Tiddes and Marlon Wayans’ 2013 horror spoof A Haunted House – appropriately known as “Paranormal Inactivity” in South America – despite having abandoned this kind of movie shortly after the excellent Scary Movie 3. However, to my complete and utter amazement, I found myself mostly enjoying this unhinged parody of Found Footage films almost as much as the iconic spoofs that spear-headed the genre during the 2000s. And with Paramount having recently announced a reboot of the Scary Movie franchise, I think this is the perfect time to revisit the divisive humor of A Haunted House and maybe figure out why this kind of film hasn’t been popular in a long time.

Before we had memes and internet personalities to make fun of movie tropes for free on the internet, parody movies had been entertaining audiences with meta-humor since the very dawn of cinema. And since the genre attracted large audiences without the need for a serious budget, it made sense for studios to encourage parodies of their own productions – which is precisely what happened with Miramax when they commissioned a parody of the Scream franchise, the original Scary Movie.

The unprecedented success of the spoof (especially overseas) led to a series of sequels, spin-offs and rip-offs that came along throughout the 2000s. While some of these were still quite funny (I have a soft spot for 2008’s Superhero Movie), they ended up flooding the market much like the Guitar Hero games that plagued video game stores during that same timeframe.

You could really confuse someone by editing this scene into Paranormal Activity.

Of course, that didn’t stop Tiddes and Marlon Wayans from wanting to make another spoof meant to lampoon a sub-genre that had been mostly overlooked by the Scary Movie series – namely the second wave of Found Footage films inspired by Paranormal Activity. Wayans actually had an easier time than usual funding the picture due to the project’s Found Footage presentation, with the format allowing for a lower budget without compromising box office appeal.

In the finished film, we’re presented with supposedly real footage recovered from the home of Malcom Johnson (Wayans). The recordings themselves depict a series of unexplainable events that begin to plague his home when Kisha Davis (Essence Atkins) decides to move in, with the couple slowly realizing that the difficulties of a shared life are no match for demonic shenanigans.

In practice, this means that viewers are subjected to a series of familiar scares subverted by wacky hijinks, with the flick featuring everything from a humorous recreation of the iconic fan-camera from Paranormal Activity 3 to bizarre dance numbers replacing Katy’s late-night trances from Oren Peli’s original movie.

Your enjoyment of these antics will obviously depend on how accepting you are of Wayans’ patented brand of crass comedy. From advanced potty humor to some exaggerated racial commentary – including a clever moment where Malcom actually attempts to move out of the titular haunted house because he’s not white enough to deal with the haunting – it’s not all that surprising that the flick wound up with a 10% rating on Rotten Tomatoes despite making a killing at the box office.

However, while this isn’t my preferred kind of humor, I think the inherent limitations of Found Footage ended up curtailing the usual excesses present in this kind of parody, with the filmmakers being forced to focus on character-based comedy and a smaller scale story. This is why I mostly appreciate the love-hate rapport between Kisha and Malcom even if it wouldn’t translate to a healthy relationship in real life.

Of course, the jokes themselves can also be pretty entertaining on their own, with cartoony gags like the ghost getting high with the protagonists (complete with smoke-filled invisible lungs) and a series of silly The Exorcist homages towards the end of the movie. The major issue here is that these legitimately funny and genre-specific jokes are often accompanied by repetitive attempts at low-brow humor that you could find in any other cheap comedy.

Not a good idea.

Not only are some of these painfully drawn out “jokes” incredibly unfunny, but they can also be remarkably offensive in some cases. There are some pretty insensitive allusions to sexual assault here, as well as a collection of secondary characters defined by negative racial stereotypes (even though I chuckled heartily when the Latina maid was revealed to have been faking her poor English the entire time).

Cinephiles often claim that increasingly sloppy writing led to audiences giving up on spoof movies, but the fact is that many of the more beloved examples of the genre contain some of the same issues as later films like A Haunted House – it’s just that we as an audience have (mostly) grown up and are now demanding more from our comedy. However, this isn’t the case everywhere, as – much like the Elves from Lord of the Rings – spoof movies never really died, they simply diminished.

A Haunted House made so much money that they immediately started working on a second one that released the following year (to even worse reviews), and the same team would later collaborate once again on yet another spoof, 50 Shades of Black. This kind of film clearly still exists and still makes a lot of money (especially here in Brazil), they just don’t have the same cultural impact that they used to in a pre-social-media-humor world.

At the end of the day, A Haunted House is no comedic masterpiece, failing to live up to the laugh-out-loud thrills of films like Scary Movie 3, but it’s also not the trainwreck that most critics made it out to be back in 2013. Comedy is extremely subjective, and while the raunchy humor behind this flick definitely isn’t for everyone, I still think that this satirical romp is mostly harmless fun that might entertain Found Footage fans that don’t take themselves too seriously.

Continue Reading