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[Special Feature] 11 Things Horror Movies Have Taught Me!

I recently realized something about myself that actually scares me a little bit. I don’t know if it’s because I watch too many movies — which I’m positive I do — or perhaps I didn’t pay enough attention in school so my mind is so desperate for knowledge that it’s actively seeking out information from unreliable sources, but a startling majority of what I know is stuff I’ve “learned” from movies. To me, an impromptu dance number can spring up at literally any second, you can be knocked unconscious and wake up several hours later without any trauma to your brain, and should you narrowly escape a massive explosion, all you have to do is get up and shrug it off.

So there’s a very good chance that no less than 80% of what I know is information I gleaned from films, but add to this my near obsessive love for horror films, and it’s a safe bet that roughly half of my accumulated life knowledge was taught to me by the likes of Freddy, Jason, Michael, and friends. Also, Freddy, Jason, Michael, and friends is a fantastic name for a horror sitcom. Head past the break so I can share my knowledge with you. Come on, it’ll be a learning experience for us all.

11. Do Your Research Before Buying A House

As seen in: Poltergeist, The Amityville Horror, The Grudge (Ju-On)

I’m the type of guy that if I were buying a house I wouldn’t necessarily remember to ask if any murder-suicides had happened on the premises or if any rapey demons had already rented out the attic. You’d think asking about the plumbing, pipes — those could be the same thing, I don’t know — electricity and… flooring (?) would suffice, but these days it really isn’t. Do your research, people. Go to your local library and use one of those machines that have every newspaper ever printed, and you’ll be able to dig up every dirty detail about your home’s history, and if you’re lucky you might even uncover a dark secret the town would rather you didn’t know about.

10. Children Are Evil

As seen in: Pet Sematary, Orphan, The Ring (Ringu), The Shining, Village of the Damned

Now, you might be saying to yourself, Duh, Adam, of course all children are creatures that must be destroyed before they kill us all, to which I’ll reply, you sir or madam are so very correct. They’re all evil, I have no doubt about it, but they’re also everywhere. Seriously people, slow down. If humanity keeps reproducing at this pace there’s no way in hell we’re going to be able to fend off the hordes of children when they finally do decide to enslave everyone sixteen and older.

9. Ghosts Aren’t Cool

As seen in: Paranormal Activity, Insidious, Poltergeist, Grave Encounters

I have a bizarre, perhaps even borderline obsessive fascination with cemeteries. That might sound a little strange to a majority of you, but to the two or three who share my fondness for the unusual, just know that I’m sending you a virtual fist bump right now. I spent my 21st birthday in a necropolis, completely toasted I might add — that’s how bad it is. I’m the type of person who would drop literally everything to join one of those ghost hunting troops that I’m pretty sure have made it onto every television network by now. With that said, if the recent slew of ghostly-themed films has taught me anything, it’s that ghosts aren’t something to be studied; they’re something to be feared, and, if possible, sent straight to deepest festering pits of hell.

8. Never Go Ass to Mouth

As seen in: The Human Centipede

This might also fall under the No Shit category, but when you’re drunk and feeling frisky, weird sexual experiments are bound to happen. I only just watched The Human Centipede 2 a few days ago, and once the credits started rolling I couldn’t shake the feeling that I really needed a shower. After watching that stout, buggy-eyed man crudely staple the mouths of several screaming strangers to the shivering asses of the person in front of them, I felt like I could cross that off my list of weird shit I may or may not do in my life.

7. Being A Virgin Is A Good Thing

As seen in: Practically every horror movie with horny teens

There’s a downside to living a life of junk food, gaming marathons, and horror movie nights, and that’s the lack of sex people who live this life receive. Thankfully, according to all the horror movies I’ve seen, being a sex-depraved virgin is actually a good thing, because it increases your chances of living a longer life of celibacy. For those of you who don’t know what it feels like to play Call of Duty for eight hours straight while consuming nothing but Cheetos and Mountain Dew, you’re already screwed because you, well, screwed. What you need to do is hump everything that moves, because you’re going to die, so you might as well enjoy yourself.

6. Face Blindness Is A Thing

As seen in: Faces in the Crowd

My memory is awful. Like, immediately after meeting someone I’ve already forgotten their face, name, story, the clothing they wore, everything. For some reason, roughly 3-5 seconds after I’ve met someone my mind completely erases them, like they never existed.. It’s weird. Thanks to Milla Jovovich, I now have an excuse for why I can’t remember anyone, and that’s face blindness, or Prosopagnosia, a condition that just saved me from a ton of potential awkward situations when someone walks up to me, expecting me to remember them only to have their hopes dashed when they recognize my confused gaze.

5. Exorcisms Can Be Boring

As seen in: The Rite, The Devil Inside

When I think of exorcisms, I imagine Regan crawling down the stairs backward, or spewing green pea soup like she just watched a man staple mouths to asses for ten minutes. What doesn’t come to mind is all the mundane filler that can be found in some recent exorcism films. If the recent slew of boring-as-hell exorcism flicks is any indication, there’s a chance that not all exorcisms are film worthy events.

4. Tires Are Terrifying

As seen in: Rubber

Now I have to add tires to my growing list of things that make me want to curl up and die, right up there with hospitals and the sound vacuum cleaners make. The scariest thing about Rubber, a French horror-comedy flick that asked the important question: What if a tire could fucking kill people? The answer is a resounding yes, so long as said tire has superpowers or is attached to a car.

3. …But Not As Terrifying As Clowns

As seen in: It, that creepy clown doll from Poltergeist, Captain Spaulding in House of 1,000 Corpses and The Devil’s Rejects

I don’t think I need to expand too much on this, because this just a fact: clowns are the most terrifying things on the planet. Forget spiders, war, and politicians, because clowns are always terrifying, and always hungry for your innocent soul. Now, you could argue that some freakish clown/politician/spider hybrid would be scarier, but that’s just silly. That could never exist, right? Right?

2. It Actually Is Important To Wash Your Hands

As seen in: Contagion (Before you start commenting on how this isn’t a horror movie, I’m going to beat you to it by saying you’re certifiably insane if you don’t think this is a terrifying film)

Admit it, you don’t always wash your hands after using the restroom. Maybe you were in a hurry, or you forgot, or something distracted you on your way from the stall to the bathroom door. Sometimes you just forget, right? You fell into my trap — I got you to admit you don’t wash your hands! You disgust me.

Oh, and wash your hands or you and everyone you love will die.

1. Have A Camera On You At All Times

As seen in: Grave Encounters, Apollo 18, Atrocious, Paranormal Activity 3, [REC]/Quarantine, Trollhunter

Some people watch flicks like Paranormal Activity and The Blair Witch Project for entertainment, but I use them as research. Like it or not, the found footage subgenre is huge. Oren Peli’s a trillionaire after he decided to start filming the ghosts that haunted his apartment (also, none of that last sentence is true), so when scary, unexplainable things start happening to me I’m going to make sure I’m adequately prepared for it. If I hear even the slightest of noises I always have a camera team ready to film the source from no less than five different angles. I suggest you do the same.

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