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Just Hear Those Slay Bells Jingling…

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Dashing through some films, I’ll give a quick review a write.
Oh, what will we see? Hope we get a fright.
Some may give a thrill, while some will have a fight.
If it has anything to do with me, we’ll watch Christmas horror that’s done right.

As we enter December, let us have a quick look at a few Christmas themed horror films!

Silent Night, Deadly Night

In 1985, a video store opened down the street from my house. As I’ve stated in reviews before, this exposed me to a large amount of horror films, or more accurately, a large amount of box art. I remember the Silent Night, Deadly Night cover with what I thought was Santa’s arm hanging out of a chimney, holding an ax. Hey, I was a little kid. Years later, when I finally saw this movie, I didn’t understand why the box art had creeped me out so much.

Silent Night, Deadly Night tells the story of a young boy who watches his parents get murdered by a dude in a Santa suit on Christmas. He grows up in an orphanage, has an issue, obviously, with Santa, and ends up on a killing spree. While it isn’t the greatest movie ever, it holds a secret place in my heart. Maybe it’s because I grew up going to Catholic school, and the ending of this film makes me smile a bit. I highly suggest checking it out if you never have seen it.

And All Through The House from the 1972 Tales from the Crypt

I saw this anthology when I was around 10 years old. And it still has some sort of great meaning to me today. It is not to be confused with the 1989 remake of this segment for the television series.

Starring Joan Collins as the ultimate the rich bitch wife, All Through The House encompasses a sick version of Murphy’s Law. Joanne Clayton (Collins) kills her husband with a fireplace poker only to have a psycho dressed as Santa tries to get inside the house. She can’t call the police because they would find out she killed her own husband, and chaos ensues. The entire anthology deserves watching as it includes one of my favorite stories, Blind Alleys

P2

This may get some reaction. Ok, a lot of reaction. I think I am one of the few people on earth that saw this film and didn’t hate it. Ok, yes, the plot is silly and it seems longwinded, but perhaps I watched it from a different standpoint.

Angela is a businesswoman who gets kidnapped by a crazy security guard on Christmas Eve. He keeps her locked in the parking garage and wants to have a lovely holiday with her, but she struggles and ends up having to kill him. If Wes Bentley went through the trouble of kidnapping me, hell, I’d be more than happy to give him an unforgettable Christmas.

Black Christmas

No, not the remake – though it was fun in a campy sort of way. I am talking the original 1974 beauty.

Inspired by the babysitter urban legend of calls coming from inside the house, this classic stars Olivia Hussey, Margot Kidder and even Andrea Martin from SCTV (who also stars in the remake). These poor sorority girls get creepy calls and stalked during a Christmas party. Unlike the remake, this twisted story never truly gives the killer a motive, making it a terrifying and definitive little jewel.

Gremlins

Ahh…Gremlins. How many parents took their children to see this movie not knowing it was half as scary as it was. Well, my parents sure did. I am still terrified of cold fried chicken and motorized chair lifts on stairs.

Billy’s inventor dad wants to get his son the ultimate gift in China Town. When the local shopkeeper will not sell the mysterious Mogwai, Randell does what he has to get it. Unfortunately, the pet comes with some rules, like don’t feed it after midnight, don’t expose it to bright light, don’t get it wet – you know, all the rules you know will be broken. Once wet, this cute little button of a creature shoots multiple furballs off its back, which, once they eat after midnight, turn into disgusting pods that then sprout some nasty green creatures who just want to, well, ruin Christmas.

Gremlins also has the most odd monologue ever, performed by Phoebe Cates.

If you haven’t seen Gremlins – there is something severely wrong with you and you need to run now and somehow obtain a copy and watch.

Rare Exports

I had the pleasure of seeing this movie last year when Danny and I discussed it on Double Murder. It is a beautiful little film with a great big ending full of gasps and cheers. It should be on everyone’s Christmas watch list!

A group of local reindeer herders start finding their sole income dead when excavations of the mountain nearby are underway. Some call it a burial mound, some a sacred grave. Either way, as the reindeer show up dead, children also start disappearing. Perhaps what is residing in the mountain is Santa Claus – and not the Coca Cola kind. The original mean guy who definitely knows if you’ve been bad or good. When Pietari’s family finds whom they think is responsible, they slowly discover they’ve actually just opened a can of worms. A big can.

Don’t fear the inevitable slay, don’t make a sound, not a whistle,
Otherwise the killer may cut you down to the gristle.
Grab your nog and your blanket and watch one of these films tonight,
Merry Christmas from me and to all a good fright!

Editorials

‘A Haunted House’ and the Death of the Horror Spoof Movie

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Due to a complex series of anthropological mishaps, the Wayans Brothers are a huge deal in Brazil. Around these parts, White Chicks is considered a national treasure by a lot of people, so it stands to reason that Brazilian audiences would continue to accompany the Wayans’ comedic output long after North America had stopped taking them seriously as comedic titans.

This is the only reason why I originally watched Michael Tiddes and Marlon Wayans’ 2013 horror spoof A Haunted House – appropriately known as “Paranormal Inactivity” in South America – despite having abandoned this kind of movie shortly after the excellent Scary Movie 3. However, to my complete and utter amazement, I found myself mostly enjoying this unhinged parody of Found Footage films almost as much as the iconic spoofs that spear-headed the genre during the 2000s. And with Paramount having recently announced a reboot of the Scary Movie franchise, I think this is the perfect time to revisit the divisive humor of A Haunted House and maybe figure out why this kind of film hasn’t been popular in a long time.

Before we had memes and internet personalities to make fun of movie tropes for free on the internet, parody movies had been entertaining audiences with meta-humor since the very dawn of cinema. And since the genre attracted large audiences without the need for a serious budget, it made sense for studios to encourage parodies of their own productions – which is precisely what happened with Miramax when they commissioned a parody of the Scream franchise, the original Scary Movie.

The unprecedented success of the spoof (especially overseas) led to a series of sequels, spin-offs and rip-offs that came along throughout the 2000s. While some of these were still quite funny (I have a soft spot for 2008’s Superhero Movie), they ended up flooding the market much like the Guitar Hero games that plagued video game stores during that same timeframe.

You could really confuse someone by editing this scene into Paranormal Activity.

Of course, that didn’t stop Tiddes and Marlon Wayans from wanting to make another spoof meant to lampoon a sub-genre that had been mostly overlooked by the Scary Movie series – namely the second wave of Found Footage films inspired by Paranormal Activity. Wayans actually had an easier time than usual funding the picture due to the project’s Found Footage presentation, with the format allowing for a lower budget without compromising box office appeal.

In the finished film, we’re presented with supposedly real footage recovered from the home of Malcom Johnson (Wayans). The recordings themselves depict a series of unexplainable events that begin to plague his home when Kisha Davis (Essence Atkins) decides to move in, with the couple slowly realizing that the difficulties of a shared life are no match for demonic shenanigans.

In practice, this means that viewers are subjected to a series of familiar scares subverted by wacky hijinks, with the flick featuring everything from a humorous recreation of the iconic fan-camera from Paranormal Activity 3 to bizarre dance numbers replacing Katy’s late-night trances from Oren Peli’s original movie.

Your enjoyment of these antics will obviously depend on how accepting you are of Wayans’ patented brand of crass comedy. From advanced potty humor to some exaggerated racial commentary – including a clever moment where Malcom actually attempts to move out of the titular haunted house because he’s not white enough to deal with the haunting – it’s not all that surprising that the flick wound up with a 10% rating on Rotten Tomatoes despite making a killing at the box office.

However, while this isn’t my preferred kind of humor, I think the inherent limitations of Found Footage ended up curtailing the usual excesses present in this kind of parody, with the filmmakers being forced to focus on character-based comedy and a smaller scale story. This is why I mostly appreciate the love-hate rapport between Kisha and Malcom even if it wouldn’t translate to a healthy relationship in real life.

Of course, the jokes themselves can also be pretty entertaining on their own, with cartoony gags like the ghost getting high with the protagonists (complete with smoke-filled invisible lungs) and a series of silly The Exorcist homages towards the end of the movie. The major issue here is that these legitimately funny and genre-specific jokes are often accompanied by repetitive attempts at low-brow humor that you could find in any other cheap comedy.

Not a good idea.

Not only are some of these painfully drawn out “jokes” incredibly unfunny, but they can also be remarkably offensive in some cases. There are some pretty insensitive allusions to sexual assault here, as well as a collection of secondary characters defined by negative racial stereotypes (even though I chuckled heartily when the Latina maid was revealed to have been faking her poor English the entire time).

Cinephiles often claim that increasingly sloppy writing led to audiences giving up on spoof movies, but the fact is that many of the more beloved examples of the genre contain some of the same issues as later films like A Haunted House – it’s just that we as an audience have (mostly) grown up and are now demanding more from our comedy. However, this isn’t the case everywhere, as – much like the Elves from Lord of the Rings – spoof movies never really died, they simply diminished.

A Haunted House made so much money that they immediately started working on a second one that released the following year (to even worse reviews), and the same team would later collaborate once again on yet another spoof, 50 Shades of Black. This kind of film clearly still exists and still makes a lot of money (especially here in Brazil), they just don’t have the same cultural impact that they used to in a pre-social-media-humor world.

At the end of the day, A Haunted House is no comedic masterpiece, failing to live up to the laugh-out-loud thrills of films like Scary Movie 3, but it’s also not the trainwreck that most critics made it out to be back in 2013. Comedy is extremely subjective, and while the raunchy humor behind this flick definitely isn’t for everyone, I still think that this satirical romp is mostly harmless fun that might entertain Found Footage fans that don’t take themselves too seriously.

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