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Headlines in Horror: Zombie Mario! Metro 2034! Rage Quitters Rejoice! Dead Space Gets Its Move On!

How are you? Are you feeling okay? You’re staying hydrated I hope. We’re in the middle of the dreaded summer drought, where the sun reaches its maximum sun burn-inflicting power, and the heat seems nearly inescapable. But what makes all this worse is the lack of new releases. So while we’re hiding inside our houses careful to keep our pale gamer skin away from the sun’s glaring eye, anxiously waiting for autumn to arrive and save us with its slew of big releases, we have to find other things to keep our energy drink fueled minds busy.

Luckily, this is a rather great time for big news. June gifted us with E3 and all the goods that comes with it, and now we have arguably the second biggest event for gamers and geeks: Comic Con. So, assuming your mind hasn’t been fried by that evil yellow ball we call the sun, why don’t you read on to get caught up on the biggest happenings with Left 4 Dead, Resident Evil, Dead Space, Alan Wake, and slew of other amazing titles that will have you screaming like a tween girl (or grown man, no one’s judging here) at a Justin Bieber concert, assuming you’ve kept hydrated. If you haven’t you’ll probably just make a harsh croaking sound, and no one wants that.

Alan Wake Sends its Signal

What better way to escape the seething globe of burning death then by playing a game that takes place almost exclusively at night? Take that sun! The first bonus episode is out now for the game, entitled The Signal, and after having played it through I can say without a doubt its worth the price. Now, you might be wondering to yourself what that means since the DLC came free to those who bought the game new, but it’s also worth the 560 points ($7.00) it’ll cost everyone else.

The Signal is a little longer than the average Alan Wake episode (it took me a little under two hours to beat) and while it’s a little lacking in story, the extra flashlight kickassery alone makes it worthwhile. I should also mention the Verizon Wireless tagline (“Can you hear me now?”) that pops up during a phone conversation (on a Verizon phone no less) with that Big Daddy/Marshmallow Man hybrid that’s worthy of a serious facepalm.

Left 4 Dead Polishes its Rage-Inducing Kinks

Ever been in the middle of a L4D 2 match where your team is so far ahead it’s common knowledge that the other team has absolutely no chance of winning the game? Unfortunately, when a team discovers they won’t be winning they tend to quit. This issue of players quitting has become so prominent (apparently, all gamers are sore loser baby faces) we’ve given this sad event a name: rage quitting.

Now Rage Quitters can rejoice, because Valve is working on a patch that will make losing a little more bearable. Disclaimer: this patch will not affect your skill, so you’ll still suck at the game. Sorry.

Included in the patch are some fixes for the Charger, who will now be rewarded 300 points for insta-killing a survivor, 100 for insta-incapping, and now any infected that causes a survivor to stumble into a ledge hang will have 50 points bestowed upon their score. For the Tank, now he enters an invisible (for the survivors) stasis mode until he’s under the control of a human. This means you won’t spawn into a Tank that’s on fire or who’s lost health while it waited to be controlled. Also, bullets that hit an Infected before hitting a survivor will be ignored, so yay for that.

But that’s not all. For those among us who are huge fans of the game you should definitely consider checking out the Tank statue that’s currently in development by Gamingheads. It doesn’t have a price tag yet, but it’s sure to be awesome.

BioShock 2 Gives Us a Reason to Return to Rapture

Have the recent multiplayer map packs gotten a little dull? Looking for a reason to dust off your copy of BioShock 2? Next month we’ll be getting some new single-player DLC called the Protector Trials, that will include a lot more of something that’s already pretty damn common in the game: protecting Little Sisters.

Included in the DLC are six maps taken from locations in the campaign and some new achievements. So are you interested? I’m sure there are quite a few gamers out there that enjoyed that feature in the game and are therefore excited for this DLC, but I think I’m going to go ahead and wait for the story-driven single-player DLC that’s still “on the way.”

And in related news, the BioShock film is still on the way, though it is still having a few setbacks that are supposedly related to the R rating they’re trying to keep. I can’t imagine a PG-13 BioShock film being very good, so if that really is the only reason than I’m alright with waiting a little longer.

Metro 2033 Gets a Sequel and It’s Called Metro 2034

What were they going to call it? Metro 2033 2? Maybe they could’ve gone with a tagline; something along the lines of Metro 2033: Hey, We Fixed the Crappy Shooting? Or since the game will be 3D, they could’ve changed it to Metro 2033D? No, 2034 sounds better, but the cover art better be very different or I’m predicting some seriously pissed off gamers who accidentally bought the wrong game. I also predict me being one of those people, as I never did pay much attention.

What would you like to see in this sequel? Obviously, on the top of my list is the shooting, which was far from good. I’d also like to be able to ride some sort of mutated animal, something I can name, feed, and talk to when I’m lonely in the empty wasteland. But you know the best thing about this game? It takes place in a wasteland where the sun has been blotted out by a nuclear winter, and in the middle of the sweaty bum fileld summer, it’s nice to see the sun defeated.

Dead Space 2 Shows the PS3 Some Love

I own a PS3 and Xbox 360, but I tend to lean toward the latter when it comes to multiplatform games. For the most part, this can be blamed on my undying affection towards achievements. I love them and I can’t help it. Dead Space 2 might be an exception with the recently announced limited edition that’s exclusive to the PS3 and includes a Move enabled Dead Space: Extraction.

I’m also seriously considering getting a shiny new Rig backpack; despite its bordering on a too cartoony look, it’s just so amazing.

Zombie Mario, ‘Nuff Said.

Flickr user Mrksarri has taken the time to zombify the cast of Super Mario, showing us what Mario, Luigi, Toad and the like would look like if they were bitten by the undead. This makes me fantasize about how amazing a zombie Mario game would be. Just take a second and imagine this with me: you’ve just defeated Bowser only to realize you have a growing hunger for human flesh.

Thankfully, Peach is only a few feet away, so you take a bite out of her, ending this frustrating chase for the princess once and for all. Then, after you’ve completed the game, the camera pans to the mutilated, bite-ridden corpse of the once glorious Peach and stops on her face. As the camera zooms slowly toward her lifeless eyes, they suddenly rush open, and the credits roll. Did you feel that shiver of excitement that just crawled up your spine? This could usher in a new age of Mario games that aren’t so vibrant and adorable. When children hear Mario’s name they’ll fear it, and that’s the way it should be.



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