Hello. My name is Adam and I’m an addict. I’ve been hiding this shameful addiction for some time now but I feel my addiction has slowly begun to overcome me. It’s because of this that I’m reaching to you dear reader, in hopes of finding more hopeless souls like me. You see, I’m not addicted to alcohol or black tar heroin; instead I’ve been struggling with an addiction to something infinitely more destructive.
I’m addicted to Crack(down). No matter how hard I try I just can’t get enough of those orbs. Everything about them brings me in like a moth to a crack pipe. Their alluring glow, the way they tease me by hiding in crazy secluded locations or on the very top of insanely large buildings. I love the sound they emit when I finally get my trembling hands on one, as if to woo me into looking for its lost siblings. At first I put Crackdown into my Xbox so I could enjoy the pure awesome that comes with being a badass super agent. But no more, now I play it to satiate my undying appetite for those shiny things of pure beauty. Back in 2007, Crackdown introduced me to the glorious activity that is orb collecting and since then I’ve been hooked and falling into the abysmal hole that is the never ending search for orbs. No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t find every orb in the game, and so ended my affair with the game. Three years later and I thought I was in the clear, I hadn’t had any withdrawal symptoms or cravings. Then the worst thing that could possibly happen reared its ugly face: Crackdown 2 was here and it had even more orbs.
I was immediately thrown back in time, the lust for orbs overcame me and my hands shook with what I can only refer to as Orb Fever. My old self was back and there was no stopping him.
I don’t hate Ruffian for ruining what could have potentially become an amazing franchise; I don’t mind that they didn’t improve much over the original or that they recycled the environment from the first game and sprinkled a little destruction sauce on it. I don’t even mind that they somehow managed to
But I can’t gift my forgiveness for the ultimate crime of making the orb hunting exponentially more addictive. There were a lot of orbs in the first game, so what’s the obvious next step? Add a couple hundred more. Better yet, why not tease me and throw in orbs that actually run away from you. If this isn’t the materialization of South Park’s Heroin Hero, I don’t know what is.
Ruffian didn’t stop there, oh no sir. They weren’t content with throwing in teasing renegade orbs, so they tossed in several dozen online only orbs that forced me to share my addiction with my friends. This forced me to bring in friends with the promise of action packed mutant hunting kickassery and instead every few minutes I would yell for them to extract to my location so I could get the Live orb I just found.
Needless to say I lost some friends this way. Every time they would see that dreaded party invite from Baby Colada I pictured them making a face not unlike the one I make when I see a trailer for a new Twilight movie.
As soon as I located the final live orb and heard the satisfying Achievement Unlocked sound I was overcome with a wave of shame, a wave that quickly dissipated when I realized I only had ten more hidden orbs to find. I promised myself I would stop there, but this was the same promise I told myself after I collected every agility orb, renegade agility orb, and live orb after that. But this time’s different, I’m sure I’ll be able to stop after this.
On the other hand, I do only have thirteen renegade driving orbs left…
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This Week in Horror - June 12, 2017 - Starship Troopers, Godzi...
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