That’s right folks, hold onto your butts, your loved ones and your gaming console because come May 21st we’ll all be goners. Because that’s what a few people are saying, that the apocalypse is just around the corner. Whether or not this is true doesn’t really matter because one day, whether it’s this weekend or a hundred years from now when we’re all busy having sex with Cylons, the world will end. It could be an earthquake, tsunami, dying sun or the inevitable zombie apocalypse, the only thing we know for sure is we all have an expiration date.
Lucky for us, gamers have an edge over the common folk because we’ve all survived some form of apocalyptic event at least once over the course of our gaming careers. Resident Evil and Left 4 Dead gave us the know how to make it if zombies ruled the world, Fallout offered invaluable tips for surviving in a nuclear war-induced wasteland and there are plenty of other games that covered more post-apocalyptic scenarios. So if you care about yourself, and I’m sure you do, I suggest reading this handy little guide to surviving whatever it is that’s thrown at us when the world inevitably ends.
The creepiest signs are coming in the form of mass animal deaths all across the world.
You heard about the bees, right? And the birds? If you haven’t, let me take a second to fill your mind with something I call knowledge. For years honeybees have been mysteriously disappearing and while many of us associate these annoying fuckers with their ability to sting your unsuspecting ass when you walk outside (one of the numerous reasons I never leave the safety of the cave I call a home), they’re actually pretty important. According to experts we have roughly four years after bees go extinct to make some robotic bee replacements before we join them in the afterlife. And that is not an afterlife you’ll want to find yourself in because it’s going to be filled with fucking bees.
Birds also don’t seem to have things easy since it was only this January when roughly five thousand blackbirds simply dropped out of the sky in Arkansas. That same month thousands of turtle doves fell in Italy, several hundred rained from the sky in Louisiana, 450 in Kentucky and another 50 in Sweden. Hell, even the water has proven itself to be a damned scary place to live as around two million fish were found dead in Maryland and tens of thousands of dead devil crabs washed ashore in England.
Add to this the terrifying reality that I have a fondness for seafood and this is turning out to be one scary apocalypse. But ok, millions of animals are dying, maybe it was just their time or maybe us humans with our miraculous ability to destroy the sea and air with garbage, car exhaust and Justin Bieber are simply crapping things up for the rest of the world. What are the possible apocalyptic scenarios and how can I loosely tie this to video games so it’s worthy of being posted on a gaming site? Well, let’s find out.
Unless the aforementioned dead animals get up and start walking around again with a hunger for human flesh, a zombie apocalypse might not be the thing that’s waiting for us this weekend. But I’ve covered this before and since this is inevitable I feel it’s worth going over again. Plus, the CDC just issued a few tips for surviving in a zombie apocalypse, and they’re pretty smart so we should probably listen to them.
If the undead do end up walking amongst us, this is really the one situation where we are the most prepared for. If you’re a gamer, there’s a pretty good chance you’ve played one of the five billion zombie games, like: Resident Evil, Left 4 Dead, Dead Rising or any number of games where your sole mission is to survive against hordes of the undead.
The only thing you need to worry about when the world is turned into a Necropolis is what type of creature you’re fighting. If the type of zombies we find ourselves fighting against are the classic, George Romero zombies that can be found in games like Dead Rising and Resident Evil, the most important thing is to not get too cocky. If these games taught us anything it’s that while these things may not pose much of a threat alone, they’ll sure as shit ruin your day in large groups.
Another possible zombie scenario replaces the shambler with the hyper-violent and far more agile undead made popular in 28 Days Later and Left 4 Dead. Even one of these crazy fuckers poses a serious threat since they’re usually occupied with curb stomping your face as opposed to trying to eat it. These guys might also be capable of climbing over walls or breaking through them in their rage so in this situation I feel it’s best to follow the cast of Left 4 Dead and find yourself some guys with guns. Just remember, as fun as their games are Valve did lie to us: there aren’t safe rooms strategically placed around the world so you might want to conserve ammo.
The third possibility is the smart zombie, and if Resident Evil 4 and 5 taught us anything, it’s that these things will likely be able to use guns and drive vehicles. Should this be the situation that unfolds I suggest saying goodbye to your loved ones because unless you’re built like Chris Redfield or are as pretty as Leon Kennedy, you probably won’t last too long. Me, I’m like a bizarre fusion of the two characters, with abs you can wash clothes on and the wit and charm that would make James Bond soil himself. Get it? It’s funny because it’s not true.
If zombies are gaming’s most prevalent scenario than humans versus aliens comes in at a close second. Unfortunately, this is where the lies are the thickest because we won’t have any strong, silent supersoldiers with snarky AI companions to save our asses when E.T. arrives to blow shit up. And unless you’re a damn talented craftsman we also won’t have any machine guns with chainsaws attached to them, so that leaves us with one other option: hide and hope that if they do find you they aren’t in the mood to do a little probing.
In video games, aliens are usually very hostile. They aren’t interested in using us for testing, instead they’re usually content with tearing us to pieces. There are a few exceptions of course, games like Half-Life showed us what more intelligent, calculating aliens would do but for the most part aliens seem to want us really, really dead. Games like Resistance, Gears of War and Halo almost exclusively put us in the shoes of an overpowered, bulky tower of a man that either had special weaponry, a crazy high-tech suit or special abilities. Suffice to say, unless some of you are secretly superheroes, most of us won’t have any of these at our disposal.
In conclusion: if aliens come to probe/destroy/maim/enslave us normal, everyday civilians are almost always fucked. But don’t feel too bad, the next scenario is one you can do something against.
Ha! I hope you didn’t fall for that because if the bombs drop you and I are almost certainly goners, and assuming you’re not a four-star general or a crazy person with a fallout shelter in their back yard, there’s absolutely nada you can do about this.
However, if you do somehow manage to survive games have taught us plenty of critical skills for surviving in a post-apocalyptic wasteland. Fallout is the best source for mastering your wasteland skills, but here are a few of the more important ones:
First, nowhere is safe. Radiation will be everywhere and mutant humans/animals are going to start popping up at any second. The best strategy for surviving is to start hoarding bottlecaps NOW because come next week they’re going to be worth more than gold.
Second, start scavenging. You’re going to need everything you can to barter with the other remaining humans so for food, water, first aid and weapons.
Lastly, get a dog. Now, it can’t be any dog, because a pug isn’t going to help much when your ass is getting chased by enraged manbearpigs; instead you need a dog that can find items for you and give you a decent heads up when something bad is coming your way.
Didn’t see this one coming? I can’t say I blame you. Few people have realized the growing troll threat but I’m one of the few and I’m here to bestow some gems of knowledge on you. And no, I’m not talking about the troll that hides under a bridge eating goats, oh no sir, this is far more terrifying. I’m talking about a more menacing threat, the kind that sits at a computer in their parents’ basement and uses the anonymity of being online to be a complete ass to everyone else.
Many consider the Fanboy to be one of the greatest, or at least the more annoying threats facing the world today (I’m pretty sure they rank higher than Osama before he was fish food), and while fanboys have almost single-handedly depleted my Tylenol reserves there is something else that stalks this infinite bundle of tubes we call the Internet. It can be found everywhere; its pale, nerdy influence is all over the web.
It is the Boogeyman of the interwebs; it hunts its prey waiting for the perfect moment when it will strike without any trace of mercy or intelligence. Unfortunately, there’s no way to defend against such a creature because its skills have been honed over years of sitting in its parent’s basement. Even the mildest of opinions (like, for example, whether the recent Resident Evil titles can still be considered “horror”) will anger the creature, forcing it to unleash its nerd fury on others. Its name can be heard in hushed tones deep within the back alleyways of no-name gaming blogs to the lush golden fields of IGN, and while it can go by many names we call it the Troll.
Did you feel that? The cold shiver that just crawled down your spine as if Death itself just placed its bony hand on your shoulder and told you to bend over and take it? That’s the effect Trolls have on decent people who visit the Internet in search of laughs, news, knowledge, or let’s be honest here, insanely raunchy porn. The Troll’s sole purpose it seems is to attack others, it doesn’t matter how insignificant the argument is.
I’m going to assume a large majority of you aren’t of the troll persuasion, though like all features there’s bound to be at least one lone troll reading this, its nerdfury building up. So let’s get this thing going so you can defend against this antisocial fiend.
Their numbers are growing and there’s really no way to find out how many of them there really are, but if/when they decide to invade, there is a way to combat them. I’ve dealt with trolls for years, it’s one of the many dangers that comes with being an online Editor Extraordinaire, and I’ve found the best way to vanquish a troll is by simply ignoring it. So, should the trolls decide they’re time for virtual world domination is here, I suggest picking up a hobby. Anything that keeps you far from the Troll’s grasp. Maybe you could go outside? I hear there are things to do out there.