I’ll take two out of three any day. Entertainment Weekly confirms our exclusive breaking news that Robert De Niro and Michelle Rodriguez would be topling Robert Rodriguez’s Machete alongside Danny Trejo as the title character, a report some readers called “fan fiction” – welcome to reality. The sad news is that Jonah Hill will NOT be taking on a role as we previously reported. Although, EW confirms/adds that Lindsay Lohan, Steven Seagal, Jessica Alba, Don Johnson and Cheech Marin have al been locked into the film being helmed by Rodriguez and Ethan Maniquis. Machete is a Mexican (Trejo) ex-Federale with a gift for wielding a blade, who hides out as a day laborer, who is double-crossed by a corrupt state senator (De Niro). Watch the faux trailer from Grindhouse below.