In case you’ve been living under a pixilated cobblestone with no pickaxe with which to save yourself, you might not have heard about Minecraft’s recent arrival on Xbox Live Arcade. It isn’t the newest version PC players are currently enjoying, so there isn’t a hunger meter, weapon enchantment, or experience, but that doesn’t take much away from the overall experience. I’ve never touched the PC version of Minecraft, but over the months I’ve played my fair share of indie games it inspired, like Total Miner and Castle Miner Z. After a few hours with the one that started it all, I can say without a doubt that it is fucking terrifying.
Don’t let that deceptively charming world of adorable blocky animals and pixilated cubes fool you–underneath those vibrant colors lies a twisted underworld just waiting to for the sun to duck under the horizon so it can break your will to live. Just as Silent Hill becomes exponentially more dangerous once you transition into the Otherworld, Minecraft has its own terrors that come out at night. Anyone who’s played the game knows what I’m talking about. That feeling of dread that surfaces as soon as the sun starts to dip below the horizon and you realize you’ve strayed too far from the relative safety of your base.
I was going to write a list about the various reasons Minecraft could totally be classified as a survival horror game until I realized something. Lists are so last week, so why not give you a journal entry of sorts about a random adventurer’s first day in the game instead.
If you’re brave enough to read it, here are the final days of an explorer named Adam. He was a kind, delicate soul, until he was raped by Creepers and had his soul devoured by the Nether.
I awoke in a strange land today. I’m not sure where I am, but fuck if this place isn’t adorable. I think I’ll build a cabin on the beach, facing the ocean. Then I’ll get myself a farm and live off the earth until I die an old, fulfilled man.
Started scouting the beach for the perfect place to start working on my home. I think I’ll create a glass wall on the side of my house that faces the ocean. Yeah, that sounds nice.
Made friends with a pig while chopping down trees. I think I’ll name him Chartreuse, the fancy pig.
Slapped a saddle on Chartreuse and rode him off a cliff. Achievement unlocked.
Passed a cave on my way through a valley earlier. I considered going through it in search of some iron ore, but I think I saw something move in the shadows. I’ll skip this one and check the next instead.
Plucked some flowers so I could use them for dye. Now I need to find some sheep for wool.
Found a herd of sheep frolicking in a field of daisies next to a waterfall. I snuck up behind one and beat it with my bare fists until all I had all its wool. I dubbed him Patches and sent him on his way.
Fell through a hole in the ground on my way back to the beach. A shallow pool of water broke my fall. I thought I heard a moaning sound coming from a hole near me, but I could’ve just hit my head when I fell.
I’ve been looking for a way out of this system for an hour, my pickaxe broke and I definitely hear something coming from that hole. It sounds like it’s getting louder. I need to get out of here.
Finally, I punched my way out of that cave system. My knuckles are bloody, I’m exhausted, and the sun is getting low. I’ll need to find a place to stay for the night.
I just about made it to the beach when I saw an arrow fly by my head. My plan was to make it to the beach so I could start construction on my lavish beach condo, but then I took an arrow to the knee. Who is chasing me?
I found a cave system and quickly boarded up the entrance. It started raining outside and I can hear things moving outside my makeshift barricade. I think I hear whispering. Maybe I should explore deeper.
Followed a warm light until it led me to a big room bisected by a river of lava pouring from a hole in the far wall. I can see diamonds on the other end of the room! Now I need a way across.
I poured some water on the lava and it cooled into Obsidian. I tried mining it but I didn’t even make a dent, so I took the diamonds instead.
I crafted a pickaxe from the diamonds I mined, then I used it on the Obsidian and it worked! I am the fucking MacGyver of this blocky world. I mined all the Obsidian I could find then the whispering got louder. Am I losing my mind? I should get some sleep.
Realized the whispering was coming from my roommate who was cooing softly into my ear telling me to craft a Nether portal. I think I’ll do that.
The Obsidian gate is done! I used some flint to activate it and immediately the center of the gate was filled with a bright purple light. I walked through.
Immediately after I entered the hellish abyss that is The Nether, a bomb was thrown at me by a nearby Boo looking thing.
I think I’m bleeding out, but at least I was able to deflect the creature’s second bomb back at him. I’ve dug myself into a hole, but I fear I won’t make it much longer.
I can’t feel my legs. Everything’s going cold. TJ, if you ever read this, I just want to tell you… tell you… I…
The brave adventurer was never heard from again.