Have you ever found yourself watching a film and wishing that someone would just come along and kill a particular character? I mean, you don’t want them strapped to the Hostel chair or anything, but maybe just a quick Jason or Michael Myers style dispatching to quickly neutralize whatever annoying personality is currently exasperating you?
I decided to think back to 5 rom-coms that could have used an extra kill here and there. I should note that I actually love these movies – and I know that actually killing a character off would throw their whole structure and tone out of whack, ruining the entire movie – but d*mn if I don’t want to see some of these folks killed onscreen.
Head inside to see who should die! And how they should die!
OVERBOARD – The Proffitt Kids
The kids. Yes, all four of the Proffitt children. The fact that they’re the sons of Kurt Russell’s Dean Proffitt doesn’t even make me stop to think twice about this. I love Overboard, and I’m sure the movie wouldn’t work without them, but they’re totally an argument against Goldie Hawn’s decision as Joanna Stayton to stay with the family. The Proffitt kids are unrelentingly terrible. They’re loud, obnoxious and look like they stay up all night farting just for the hell of it. I’m thinking you could quickly drop in the triple header paintball kill from Jason Lives – add an extra neck – and solve a whole lot of problems. Or maybe just toss them off the boat at the end? I dunno, I just want Goldie and Kurt to enjoy their wealth in peace and this seems like the easiest and most sustainable fix.
How? As stated above, one clean machete chop could take care of all four of these little monsters with minimal impact on the film’s running time.
What the f*ck are you thinking? There’s a reason we don’t hang out much, and this is it. You’re always scaring off my girlfriends. Things have been rough since the divorce, I own a failing bookshop and live with Spike so you know my prospects are low. I need a break and what happens when I finally get one? With Anna f*cking Scott of all people!? You go and “be yourself” all over the place! I can barely get laid, so when I bring home the world’s biggest movie star do me a favor and follow at least a few normal social cues, okay? I mean, you followed her into the f*cking bathroom and told her you could be soul mates! On night one!! I hope Spike strangles you in your sleep.
How? I don’t think Spike should actually strangle her in her sleep. Maybe a dream sequence where Freddy turns her into an ostrich and plucks her?
CRAZY, STUPID, LOVE – Everyone except Jessica (Analeigh Tipton)
Remember when I said I liked all of the movies on this list? I guess that was a lie. While Crazy, Stupid, Love is utterly watchable, I have to fault it for the fact that not one character in this film even remotely behaves like a human being. Cal (Steve Carell)? I can abide a certain amount of a wounded inability to confront those who treat you poorly, but this is just egregious. Jacob (Ryan Gosling)? You want Cal to reclaim his manhood by going on a shopping spree at the mall?! That’s like a 16 sided die of weird, convoluted messages. Emily (Julianne Moore)? You don’t get to cheat and then play the “you ruined our marriage” card. Robbie (Jonah Bobo)? Precocious advice was outlawed after (500) Days Of Summer and is now punishable by death. Jessica doesn’t really act much like a human either, but at least she’s a decent human being portrayed with a good degree of charm by Tipton.
How? Easy. Lock all of these people in a house and employ a home invasion/slasher scenario. They all make impossibly stupid choices anyway, so escape is unlikely.
This one lives. She can be our survivor girl.
BROADCAST NEWS – Tom Grunich
Not only is William Hurt’s Tom Grunich impossibly handsome and correspondingly vacant, but he’s able to abscond with Holly Hunter’s Jane, who is way too good for him. He’s not just interfering with Aaron’s (Albert Brooks) love life, he’s also interfering with the very idea of an informed electorate. He’s the hot dude who steals your girlfriend and precipitates the downfall of western society. It’s because of guys like Grunich, along with audiences who love to watch instead of listen, who have permanently destroyed the role of the News Anchor in our society. Way to go, Tom.
How? Leave him alone in a room full of sharp objects. Nature will take its course.
KNOCKED UP – Jodi
I love Knocked Up, and while I know it’s cool to wish ill upon Katherine Heigl’s character, she actually works for me in the movie (this movie, I can’t vouch for many of her other choices). But Jodi (Charlyne Yi), can you imagine what it would be like having her around the house all day? Go ahead and try, because that’s what pops into my mind when she shows up onscreen. I imagine her following me around, asking me questions in that weird “am I stoned or am I ‘touched'” voice all day. I kind of think she’s a casualty of that summer’s ongoing “dirty man contest”. If only Martin could have shaved that beard, maybe he could have met someone that didn’t grate so harshly.
How? Michael Myers. He doesn’t even have to stab her, he could just give her the silent treatment and rob her of the hipster validation she requires to live.
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