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5 Romantic Comedy Characters That Should Have Died!

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Have you ever found yourself watching a film and wishing that someone would just come along and kill a particular character? I mean, you don’t want them strapped to the Hostel chair or anything, but maybe just a quick Jason or Michael Myers style dispatching to quickly neutralize whatever annoying personality is currently exasperating you?

I decided to think back to 5 rom-coms that could have used an extra kill here and there. I should note that I actually love these movies – and I know that actually killing a character off would throw their whole structure and tone out of whack, ruining the entire movie – but d*mn if I don’t want to see some of these folks killed onscreen.

Head inside to see who should die! And how they should die!

OVERBOARDThe Proffitt Kids

The kids. Yes, all four of the Proffitt children. The fact that they’re the sons of Kurt Russell’s Dean Proffitt doesn’t even make me stop to think twice about this. I love Overboard, and I’m sure the movie wouldn’t work without them, but they’re totally an argument against Goldie Hawn’s decision as Joanna Stayton to stay with the family. The Proffitt kids are unrelentingly terrible. They’re loud, obnoxious and look like they stay up all night farting just for the hell of it. I’m thinking you could quickly drop in the triple header paintball kill from Jason Lives – add an extra neck – and solve a whole lot of problems. Or maybe just toss them off the boat at the end? I dunno, I just want Goldie and Kurt to enjoy their wealth in peace and this seems like the easiest and most sustainable fix.

How? As stated above, one clean machete chop could take care of all four of these little monsters with minimal impact on the film’s running time.

NOTTING HILLHoney (Will’s sister)

Dear Honey,

What the f*ck are you thinking? There’s a reason we don’t hang out much, and this is it. You’re always scaring off my girlfriends. Things have been rough since the divorce, I own a failing bookshop and live with Spike so you know my prospects are low. I need a break and what happens when I finally get one? With Anna f*cking Scott of all people!? You go and “be yourself” all over the place! I can barely get laid, so when I bring home the world’s biggest movie star do me a favor and follow at least a few normal social cues, okay? I mean, you followed her into the f*cking bathroom and told her you could be soul mates! On night one!! I hope Spike strangles you in your sleep.

Love,

Will

How? I don’t think Spike should actually strangle her in her sleep. Maybe a dream sequence where Freddy turns her into an ostrich and plucks her?

CRAZY, STUPID, LOVEEveryone except Jessica (Analeigh Tipton)

Remember when I said I liked all of the movies on this list? I guess that was a lie. While Crazy, Stupid, Love is utterly watchable, I have to fault it for the fact that not one character in this film even remotely behaves like a human being. Cal (Steve Carell)? I can abide a certain amount of a wounded inability to confront those who treat you poorly, but this is just egregious. Jacob (Ryan Gosling)? You want Cal to reclaim his manhood by going on a shopping spree at the mall?! That’s like a 16 sided die of weird, convoluted messages. Emily (Julianne Moore)? You don’t get to cheat and then play the “you ruined our marriage” card. Robbie (Jonah Bobo)? Precocious advice was outlawed after (500) Days Of Summer and is now punishable by death. Jessica doesn’t really act much like a human either, but at least she’s a decent human being portrayed with a good degree of charm by Tipton.

How? Easy. Lock all of these people in a house and employ a home invasion/slasher scenario. They all make impossibly stupid choices anyway, so escape is unlikely.

This one lives. She can be our survivor girl.

BROADCAST NEWSTom Grunich

Not only is William Hurt’s Tom Grunich impossibly handsome and correspondingly vacant, but he’s able to abscond with Holly Hunter’s Jane, who is way too good for him. He’s not just interfering with Aaron’s (Albert Brooks) love life, he’s also interfering with the very idea of an informed electorate. He’s the hot dude who steals your girlfriend and precipitates the downfall of western society. It’s because of guys like Grunich, along with audiences who love to watch instead of listen, who have permanently destroyed the role of the News Anchor in our society. Way to go, Tom.

How? Leave him alone in a room full of sharp objects. Nature will take its course.

KNOCKED UPJodi

I love Knocked Up, and while I know it’s cool to wish ill upon Katherine Heigl’s character, she actually works for me in the movie (this movie, I can’t vouch for many of her other choices). But Jodi (Charlyne Yi), can you imagine what it would be like having her around the house all day? Go ahead and try, because that’s what pops into my mind when she shows up onscreen. I imagine her following me around, asking me questions in that weird “am I stoned or am I ‘touched'” voice all day. I kind of think she’s a casualty of that summer’s ongoing “dirty man contest”. If only Martin could have shaved that beard, maybe he could have met someone that didn’t grate so harshly.

How? Michael Myers. He doesn’t even have to stab her, he could just give her the silent treatment and rob her of the hipster validation she requires to live.

Editorials

Finding Faith and Violence in ‘The Book of Eli’ 14 Years Later

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Having grown up in a religious family, Christian movie night was something that happened a lot more often than I care to admit. However, back when I was a teenager, my parents showed up one night with an unusually cool-looking DVD of a movie that had been recommended to them by a church leader. Curious to see what new kind of evangelical propaganda my parents had rented this time, I proceeded to watch the film with them expecting a heavy-handed snoozefest.

To my surprise, I was a few minutes in when Denzel Washington proceeded to dismember a band of cannibal raiders when I realized that this was in fact a real movie. My mom was horrified by the flick’s extreme violence and dark subject matter, but I instantly became a fan of the Hughes Brothers’ faith-based 2010 thriller, The Book of Eli. And with the film’s atomic apocalypse having apparently taken place in 2024, I think this is the perfect time to dive into why this grim parable might also be entertaining for horror fans.

Originally penned by gaming journalist and The Walking Dead: The Game co-writer Gary Whitta, the spec script for The Book of Eli was already making waves back in 2007 when it appeared on the coveted Blacklist. It wasn’t long before Columbia and Warner Bros. snatched up the rights to the project, hiring From Hell directors Albert and Allen Hughes while also garnering attention from industry heavyweights like Denzel Washington and Gary Oldman.

After a series of revisions by Anthony Peckham meant to make the story more consumer-friendly, the picture was finally released in January of 2010, with the finished film following Denzel as a mysterious wanderer making his way across a post-apocalyptic America while protecting a sacred book. Along the way, he encounters a run-down settlement controlled by Bill Carnegie (Gary Oldman), a man desperate to get his hands on Eli’s book so he can motivate his underlings to expand his empire. Unwilling to let this power fall into the wrong hands, Eli embarks on a dangerous journey that will test the limits of his faith.


SO WHY IS IT WORTH WATCHING?

Judging by the film’s box-office success, mainstream audiences appear to have enjoyed the Hughes’ bleak vision of a future where everything went wrong, but critics were left divided by the flick’s trope-heavy narrative and unapologetic religious elements. And while I’ll be the first to admit that The Book of Eli isn’t particularly subtle or original, I appreciate the film’s earnest execution of familiar ideas.

For starters, I’d like to address the religious elephant in the room, as I understand the hesitation that some folks (myself included) might have about watching something that sounds like Christian propaganda. Faith does indeed play a huge part in the narrative here, but I’d argue that the film is more about the power of stories than a specific religion. The entire point of Oldman’s character is that he needs a unifying narrative that he can take advantage of in order to manipulate others, while Eli ultimately chooses to deliver his gift to a community of scholars. In fact, the movie even makes a point of placing the Bible in between equally culturally important books like the Torah and Quran, which I think is pretty poignant for a flick inspired by exploitation cinema.

Sure, the film has its fair share of logical inconsistencies (ranging from the extent of Eli’s Daredevil superpowers to his impossibly small Braille Bible), but I think the film more than makes up for these nitpicks with a genuine passion for classic post-apocalyptic cinema. Several critics accused the film of being a knockoff of superior productions, but I’d argue that both Whitta and the Hughes knowingly crafted a loving pastiche of genre influences like Mad Max and A Boy and His Dog.

Lastly, it’s no surprise that the cast here absolutely kicks ass. Denzel plays the title role of a stoic badass perfectly (going so far as to train with Bruce Lee’s protégée in order to perform his own stunts) while Oldman effortlessly assumes a surprisingly subdued yet incredibly intimidating persona. Even Mila Kunis is remarkably charming here, though I wish the script had taken the time to develop these secondary characters a little further. And hey, did I mention that Tom Waits is in this?


AND WHAT MAKES IT HORROR ADJACENT?

Denzel’s very first interaction with another human being in this movie results in a gory fight scene culminating in a face-off against a masked brute wielding a chainsaw (which he presumably uses to butcher travelers before eating them), so I think it’s safe to say that this dog-eat-dog vision of America will likely appeal to horror fans.

From diseased cannibals to hyper-violent motorcycle gangs roaming the wasteland, there’s plenty of disturbing R-rated material here – which is even more impressive when you remember that this story revolves around the bible. And while there are a few too many references to sexual assault for my taste, even if it does make sense in-universe, the flick does a great job of immersing you in this post-nuclear nightmare.

The excessively depressing color palette and obvious green screen effects may take some viewers out of the experience, but the beat-up and lived-in sets and costume design do their best to bring this dead world to life – which might just be the scariest part of the experience.

Ultimately, I believe your enjoyment of The Book of Eli will largely depend on how willing you are to overlook some ham-fisted biblical references in order to enjoy some brutal post-apocalyptic shenanigans. And while I can’t really blame folks who’d rather not deal with that, I think it would be a shame to miss out on a genuinely engaging thrill-ride because of one minor detail.

With that in mind, I’m incredibly curious to see what Whitta and the Hughes Brothers have planned for the upcoming prequel series starring John Boyega


There’s no understating the importance of a balanced media diet, and since bloody and disgusting entertainment isn’t exclusive to the horror genre, we’ve come up with Horror Adjacent – a recurring column where we recommend non-horror movies that horror fans might enjoy.

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