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Best & Worst of 2009: Mr. Disgusting’s Bottom 5 of 2009!

A typical year consists of ten bad horror films to one good one. The quality of 2009 was quite impressive, although there were still a fair share of dookies floating in the pot. Beyond the break you’ll find a list of the worst 5 films of the year, with a bunch of dishonorable mentions. Get your debate hat on, it’s time to go to war.

Mr. Disgusting (Best/Worst) | Tim Anderson (Best/Worst) | BC (Best/Worst)
David Harley (Best/Worst) | Ryan Daley (Best/Worst)

MR. DISGUSTING’S BOTTOM 5 OF 2009

Editor’s Note: The following list counts for movies I SAW this year.

5. Knowing (March 20; Summit)


I’m a huge fan of Alex Proyas, but the constant delays and the casting of Nicolas Cage (what happened man?) made me hyper-aware of what was coming. Even with those lowered expectations I still found this to be one of the most disappointing movies in years. Sure, it has incredible F/X work (the plane crash is astounding), but the left-field ending is beyond mindboggling. Did M. Night Shyamalan write this?


Even before Universal attempted to make the film look like it lived in the same universe as TWILIGHT, I thought this adaptation looked horrendous. Still, it’s always nice to have a new franchise to get into, so I gave it a go. Unfortunately, CIRQUE is a heartless, cold and intensely boring movie that doesn’t appeal to anyone, let alone children. A complete failure.

3. The Canyon (October 23; Magnet Releasing)


Talk about the most moronic and idiotic human beings on the entire planet. “Hey, if I climb this mountain and hang off a cliff, maybe I’ll get reception?” Beyond the horrid characters, the screenplay is an abysmal mess. When I say nothing happens, I mean NOTHING happens.

2. Haunting in Connecticut (March 27; Lionsgate)


An incredibly incoherent movie with illogical characters doing jackassy things. The first half is promising, but by the time serious poltergeist occurrences begin, it falls apart quicker than you can say “Boo!” In fact, the finale is so ridiculous it made my brain hurt. Ghost cures cancer. Yeah.

1. Blood: The Last Vampire (July 10, Samuel Goldwyn)


Is there a word that transcends abysmal? BLOOD is the lowest form of cinematic garbage that carries not a single shred of redeemable screen time. It’s shocking to me that the movie even got the “go ahead”, as the core of the problem is the screenplay penned by Chris Chow. Hoping for a little blood? If you enjoy video game gore in your feature films then maybe you’ll enjoy this?

HORRIBLE MENTIONS

As much as I hated George A. Romero’s heartless SURVIVAL OF THE DEAD, I couldn’t help but have some fun watching it, which is why I opted to keep it off the actual list. I desperately wanted to include SOLOMON KANE but it unfortunately took the #6 slot. The movie was such an epic disappointment considering how cool all of the images, clips and trailer were. It blows my mind that people like CARRIERS. I have a little trick I pull on everyone that works like a charm every single time. I ask, “Did you also see THE ROAD?” Thus far the answer has always been “Yes.” So my follow-up question is, “Did you love THE ROAD?” The answer thus far, “No.” So my final question to them is, “If CARRIERS is a cheap, crappy version of THE ROAD, why do you love it so much?” Think on that. As for JENNIFER’S BODY, I can understand why people enjoy it. The satire has its merits, but I simply couldn’t stand the dialogue — err “Jen Speak” as I call it. A PERFECT GETAWAY carries one of the most obvious twists of the decade, and is fairly weak in its story structure. Beautifully shot, but who cares when there’s nothing all that enjoyable happening on screen? I’m one of the few who actually enjoy watching HALLOWEEN II, but much like SURVIVAL OF THE DEAD, it’s a terrible, terrible movie. Fun does not always equal good. The same goes for H2′s rival THE FINAL DESTINATION; fun movie, but what a piece of crap. Jesus.