Another confession. In addition to the House Of Wax remake from last week’s article, I’ve never seen the Ghost Ship either. By most accounts it is terrible. However, that doesn’t necessarily mean every single frame of it is bad! I know there are plenty of moments I love in otherwsie sh*tty movies. And that’s precisely the point The Wolfman (@TheWolfmanCometh – on the boards) aims to illustrate here in his first column for Bloody-Disgusting!
If you’ve seen this movie before, you know the exact scene that I’m talking about. If you haven’t seen this movie before, then I know a great way for you to spend the next few minutes. HINT: it’s to read this article! Maybe I’ve seen John Carpenter’s The Fog one too many times, but man, isn’t the ocean creepy? Whether you think about all the monsters that could be hiding in its vastness or you think about all the people who have died at sea and are looking for a reason to come back and spook you, there’s something inherently creepy about the ocean’s endlessness. If you take that spookiness and throw in an abandoned, haunted cruise ship, what could possibly go wrong?! Pretty much everything, other than the opening scene.
Tell you what, I’m going to tell you who the main actors in this movie are, and I’ll let you fill in the year it was made. Juliana Marguiles, Gabriel Byrne, and Ron Eldard. You probably even only know two of those people, and you’ll also know those two actors hit their prime in the late 90’s, so you’d be right to assume this movie took place after their fall from grace in the early 2000’s. Juliana Marguiles and Ron Eldard are pirates, which makes perfect sense because when I think of pirates, I think of that one kind of pretty woman who I saw in ER. Anyways, this gang of salvagers is given information on this floating cruise ship and of course, the crew investigates. Rather than easily finding gold, they find ghosts and all the crew hallucinates and Julianna Marguiles is the only one to survive, and we realize that the source of the information on this haunted ship came from a character similar to Charon from Greek mythology. Charon’s job was to provide souls to Hell, so the character that informed our beloved crew is some sort of immortal who has been leading souls to their own demise for as long as we can all imagine. Doesn’t sound that bad on paper, does it? That’s probably because it took you two minutes to read, rather than watch this 90 minute pile of garbage.
I thought there was only one memorable thing about this movie, but according to the internet, there are two memorable things. While all of the crew was having hallucinations and visions, one woman in a red dress made frequent appearances. Not only did this woman remove her clothing in this movie, but more notably, seduced multiple men to their deaths. One of these deaths was a scene where she is just so sexy that one of the crew lunges towards her, but seeing as she’s just a ghost, he falls right through her and down an elevator shaft. Yes, female readers, some men are really THAT desperate that we will lunge towards naked women, even if they’re standing on the edge of an elevator shaft. Through my own personal blog, I’ve found that lots of people search the internet for “woman in the red dress”, so it seems some people took a different something different from this cinematic atrocity. What stood out for me? Why, the incredibly violent opening scene, of course!
Considering we have an abandoned, haunted cruise ship, we need to know what happened to everyone on board. The film starts with a dinner party in the 1960’s with a bunch of rich people acting like rich idiots. Wearing fancy clothes, drinking fancy drinks, and probably sexually harassing women and trying to take away their right to vote. Maybe some of that stuff is just implied, but I digress. Running around the amidst the rich old people is a little girl who starts to dance with an old man. While these rich people are celebrating, we see an unknown individual messing around with some wire cables and a wench that’s pulling the cable taught. The people keep dancing, the cable gets pulled tighter and tighter against two poles trying to hold it back, but eventually those poles give way and that metal cable slices through the entire dance floor. All the dancers freeze, seemingly confused by what just happened. When the little girl looks up at the old man, she sees his wine glass fall in half, which is when the audience realizes every person on the dance floor has been sliced in half, and the top halves of everyone just kind of slide off the bottom half and plop on the dance floor. NOW THAT’S HOW YOU START A MOVIE! Granted, when you look at the aftermath of all the body parts on the floor, there are arms and heads and torsos laying there, which is a little confusing. I’m no rocket surgeon, but I would think that everyone would just be cut laterally through their torso, so the only explanation for all the diagonal cuts through some individuals is that there was some SERIOUS dancing going on back in the 1960’s, or that maybe this was a cruise specifically for breakdancers. Now THAT’S an episode of “Mad Men” I can’t wait to see! The infamous breakdancing craze of 1968!