If They Made Horror… Hypothetical Horror Films From 8 Non-Horror Directors

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There are many directors out there who will probably never make a horror film, but are stylistically idiosyncratic enough that we can safely assume what it might be like if they tried. With any luck, someday one of these hypothetical films will become a reality. Except the Judd Apatow one. No one wants that.

Head inside for the breakdown!

Quentin Tarantino

*A Quentin Tarantino horror film will undoubtably have a great soundtrack filled with music both anachronistic and tonally mismatched with the material in just such a fashion that it becomes the coolest thing you’ve ever seen.

*It will be violent, but not body count wise. Each kill will matter more than we’re used to in horror films because the long conversations leading up to them will be filled with tension and dread.

*The killer will wear an outfit familiar to fans of 1970s cinema and utilize a weapon familiar to fans of 1980s cinema while struggling with mental issues familiar to fans of 1960s cinema.

*Everyone dies at the end. You think there’s going to be a final girl, but she dies too.

*Feet.

Wes Anderson

*Wes Anderson’s horror film will utilize a highly affected form of onscreen violence that at once looks silly and amateurish, yet chills thanks to its deadpan execution.

*The main character will likely be a well dressed, highly intelligent, deeply depressed female, born into a wealthy family plagued with issues stemming from a rascal patriarch who would rather go out and have fun than raise a family.

*The dad will be the first kill. Then, at the end, the dad will be revealed as the killer. He faked his death. He will be played by Bill Murray. Serial killer Bill Murray will seem funny at first, but in the film he will actually scare the crap out of you.

*Awesome soundtrack, but don’t listen to it around your redneck family members.

George Lucas

*A George Lucas horror film will utilize heavy green screen work and rely on special effects to tell the story in purely visual terms. As a result, not only will you not care about the characters, but the violence inflicted upon them will not even be clear due to all the busy noise onscreen.

*Actors will look and sound exactly like actors from any other bad horror film.

*No T. No A. And no B. And by ‘B’ I mean both Butts and Blood.

*Probably more horror film creatures on screen than we’ve seen since Nightbreed. Or Monsters Inc, which this film will be just as frightening as.

Christopher Nolan

*If Christopher Nolan directed a horror film it would take place in a dangerous prison where some of the inmates are insane and others are quite sane, but you never quite which characters are which. And you never will, either.

*6/9ths shot in IMAX.

*The killer is a woman. Actually, each kill in the film is from a different woman.

*At the end, the character you thought was the main character all along turns out not to have been the main character after all. The main character was someone not actually in the film.

Tyler Perry

*If Tyler Perry directed a horror film, it would totally scare the piss out of you. Like, it would make you question life’s worth.

*The killer is definitely a woman. As are all the people she kills. The guys in the film are just like, “Man you b*tches are crazy,” as they drink beer and talk about sports.

*Soundtrack written by Tyler Perry. The CD claims it has ten tracks, but it’s just the same song at ten different tempos.

*When someone gets stabbed, their blood looks like sweat.

*The killer’s murder weapon will be a sharpened tampon. The film will not appear to know how weird and messed up that is.

*Very likely to have the same ending as Psycho, if you catch my drift.

Judd Apatow

*If Judd Apatow directed a horror film it would be nearly three hours long with only a couple of kills.

*Lots of sex, though. Plus, everyone talks to each other with highly affected vulgarity. If not for these two factors, we’re looking at an easy PG rating.

*The killer would be a ghost that haunts a family. Each family member is a member of Judd Apatow’s actual family. Seth Rogen plays the dad, but he’s given a darker beard and larger nose, so he looks more like Judd Apatow. We’ll see his penis at one point, too.

*You think the killer is going to be nervous and unsteady Jason Segel, but it’s actually singer-songwriter Jackson Browne.

*Cut out the profanity and nepotism and add a better soundtrack and this could also be Cameron Crowe’s horror film. If it’s really super good, however, then it must be James L. Brooks’ horror film.

Michael Bay

*Michael Bay’s horror film will not screw around when it comes to gore, murder, and mayhem. The disrespect for human life on display will be remarkable.

*Everything looks orange, but it doesn’t matter because it takes place during Halloween.

*Typical slasher sex pot girls walk and talk like normal humans, except they’re constantly bent over, showing us their butts. So they look kind of like really hot elderly people.

*The killer is a mass murderer rather than a one at a time slasher type. Instead of having a traditional final girl, this film has a final Marine.

*Totally, 100% critic-proof.

J.J. Abrams

*The J.J. Abrams horror film will have a killer who fills you with fear and dread despite looking like someone you could easily beat up.

*Rather than be its own story, the film will instead pay homage to John Carpenter by copying the stuff he did without reverse engineering why any of it actually worked.

*Michael Giacchino’s score will be incredible, though hampered slightly by Abram’s demand that it emulate Carpenter’s synth scores as much as possible.

*Nothing regarding the killer and what he does will be revealed in marketing, leading everyone to hunger for knowledge regarding his identity. Turns out it was the gardener.

*Lens flares catch a priest on fire.

  • Mater-Suspiriorum

    I assumed Death Proof was a horror film…

    My bad.

  • PeteyHalfSox

    Didnt Tarantino direct DeathProof? That wasnt horror?

  • Mater-Suspiriorum

    I assumed Death Proof was a horror movie…

    My bad.

  • Melissa

    Death Proof was more like a car action flick to me. I didn’t consider it horror at all. The first half of it almost was could have been horror until the switched to the girls in the second half and then made the first half lose any horror credibility it had. Great movie though!

  • divisionbell

    Nolan needs to adapt a lovecraft story. All that madness just seems so fitting!

    • Mr.Mirage

      Nolan plus Lovecraft (minus HPL racist bs) would equal serious need of therapy for generations to come. Yes. This one.

  • betz

    tarantino recently said Death Proof is his worst film, i was like what the fuck! for sure it was Jackie Brown!

    • PeteyHalfSox

      Django, by far the worst

      • weresmurf

        Woah, haven’t you got fucked taste. I’m sure there’s a Bieber documentary somewhere for you to watch…

  • DarrelDreadful

    Quentin Tarantino actually doesn’t consider Death Proof to be horror. He said this himself. If Nolan were to ever do a horror movie, witch I doubt, I hope its a slasher. Dont ask me why, its just been a fantasy of mine for some odd reason, Im not even sure if I know why.

  • WalkingDeadGuy

    I can see J.J. Abrams giving us an ‘Alien’ style horror movie; a much darker version of ‘Super 8′. But to the others on the list, I don’t think we’ll ever see the day.

  • GhettoWerewolf

    Tyler Perry, Judd Apatow, Micheal Bay, and George Lucas? When I first started reading this, I was expecting a serious, logical discussion about what directors would be the most likely to not only make a horror film in general, but who would be able to make a GOOD one. I don’t think this was ever stated, but it was just my assumption. Instead, the writer uses half of the article to talk about directors who would not only most likely never make anything in the genre, but to also rip on said directors. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t like any of the works of Perry, most of Apatow, any of Bay, and only some of Lucas, but, as I said before, I was hoping for more people like Tarantino or Nolan. These directors already have a very dark tone to their films, while creating good plots with interesting characters who you care about. They are also good at creating tension. In my opinion, I was seriously hoping to see the Coen brothers on this list. They could easily make a very interesting horror film that could breathe new life into the genre.

  • theodds22

    They consider Twilight & Hunger Games horror but not Deathproof because fuck logic, that’s why.

    • EvanDickson

      @theodds22 chillax! We don’t cover Twilight. Hunger Games is not horror but is of interest to some horror fans. Death Proof has some horror elements but Evan is talking about straight 100% horror. Death Proof, while structured like a slasher in some ways, doesn’t always feel like a horror film – though you could certainly make an argument for it being horror.

      • theodds22

        Lmao, I ain’t even mad. :)) I just want to point that out. I’ve been surfing BD for 3 years now so I believe you did cover Twilight and even called it guilty pleasure. lol

  • Aaron Emery

    Everyone is always ragging on Evan, shut up and enjoy the article or don’t read it! If you looked into you’d see he is actually trying to get a book published about Tyler Perry (correct me if I’m wrong Evan!).
    Anyhow, I would kind of like to see Nolan’s over complicated horror flick haha, it would be interesting to say the least.
    As GhettoWerewolf (lol) said, a Coen brothers horror film could potentially be great!
    “*Lens flares catch a priest on fire.”- fucking hilarious!

  • GoreFaceSupreme

    Although Tarantino did not direct it, he did write From Dusk til Dawn so that should give you an idea of how his horror brain works.

    • Incinerated

      Yes, and that one supports the notion that feet would be on display, ha.

      This was a really entertaining piece. Thanks.

    • Mr.Mirage

      That one went through my head too, but like Natural Born Killers someone else made it art. Could QT pull it off?

  • http://thefilmpolice.blogspot.com/ Armand DC

    Here’s a possibility: Tarantino would drop two oceans of blood in his horror film. Bay would direct a zombie movie…and every melee kill (decapitation particularly) would make the zombie’s head explode like bonkers. J.J. Abrams would put a shitload of optical flares on flashlights, bumper lights and everywhere else in the frame.

    Lol.

  • HorrorManiac666

    I kind of want to see a Tyler Perry horror movie.

  • Mr.Mirage

    Aronofsky. Imagine Requiem For A Dream notched to full over the top unrelenting horror… as if it weren’t already.

  • viking1983

    this made me laugh a lot as it is so true

  • NedZeplin

    I actually think Wes Anderson should do horror,everything after Tennenbaums sucked but his films have that old look, his photography, tint,the buildings, and clothing are unintentionally or intentionally creepy. I think that could bring the creep factor back that’s been missing since the 70′s