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If They Made Horror… Hypothetical Horror Films From 8 Non-Horror Directors

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There are many directors out there who will probably never make a horror film, but are stylistically idiosyncratic enough that we can safely assume what it might be like if they tried. With any luck, someday one of these hypothetical films will become a reality. Except the Judd Apatow one. No one wants that.

Head inside for the breakdown!

Quentin Tarantino

*A Quentin Tarantino horror film will undoubtably have a great soundtrack filled with music both anachronistic and tonally mismatched with the material in just such a fashion that it becomes the coolest thing you’ve ever seen.

*It will be violent, but not body count wise. Each kill will matter more than we’re used to in horror films because the long conversations leading up to them will be filled with tension and dread.

*The killer will wear an outfit familiar to fans of 1970s cinema and utilize a weapon familiar to fans of 1980s cinema while struggling with mental issues familiar to fans of 1960s cinema.

*Everyone dies at the end. You think there’s going to be a final girl, but she dies too.

*Feet.

Wes Anderson

*Wes Anderson’s horror film will utilize a highly affected form of onscreen violence that at once looks silly and amateurish, yet chills thanks to its deadpan execution.

*The main character will likely be a well dressed, highly intelligent, deeply depressed female, born into a wealthy family plagued with issues stemming from a rascal patriarch who would rather go out and have fun than raise a family.

*The dad will be the first kill. Then, at the end, the dad will be revealed as the killer. He faked his death. He will be played by Bill Murray. Serial killer Bill Murray will seem funny at first, but in the film he will actually scare the crap out of you.

*Awesome soundtrack, but don’t listen to it around your redneck family members.

George Lucas

*A George Lucas horror film will utilize heavy green screen work and rely on special effects to tell the story in purely visual terms. As a result, not only will you not care about the characters, but the violence inflicted upon them will not even be clear due to all the busy noise onscreen.

*Actors will look and sound exactly like actors from any other bad horror film.

*No T. No A. And no B. And by ‘B’ I mean both Butts and Blood.

*Probably more horror film creatures on screen than we’ve seen since Nightbreed. Or Monsters Inc, which this film will be just as frightening as.

Christopher Nolan

*If Christopher Nolan directed a horror film it would take place in a dangerous prison where some of the inmates are insane and others are quite sane, but you never quite which characters are which. And you never will, either.

*6/9ths shot in IMAX.

*The killer is a woman. Actually, each kill in the film is from a different woman.

*At the end, the character you thought was the main character all along turns out not to have been the main character after all. The main character was someone not actually in the film.

Tyler Perry

*If Tyler Perry directed a horror film, it would totally scare the piss out of you. Like, it would make you question life’s worth.

*The killer is definitely a woman. As are all the people she kills. The guys in the film are just like, “Man you b*tches are crazy,” as they drink beer and talk about sports.

*Soundtrack written by Tyler Perry. The CD claims it has ten tracks, but it’s just the same song at ten different tempos.

*When someone gets stabbed, their blood looks like sweat.

*The killer’s murder weapon will be a sharpened tampon. The film will not appear to know how weird and messed up that is.

*Very likely to have the same ending as Psycho, if you catch my drift.

Judd Apatow

*If Judd Apatow directed a horror film it would be nearly three hours long with only a couple of kills.

*Lots of sex, though. Plus, everyone talks to each other with highly affected vulgarity. If not for these two factors, we’re looking at an easy PG rating.

*The killer would be a ghost that haunts a family. Each family member is a member of Judd Apatow’s actual family. Seth Rogen plays the dad, but he’s given a darker beard and larger nose, so he looks more like Judd Apatow. We’ll see his penis at one point, too.

*You think the killer is going to be nervous and unsteady Jason Segel, but it’s actually singer-songwriter Jackson Browne.

*Cut out the profanity and nepotism and add a better soundtrack and this could also be Cameron Crowe’s horror film. If it’s really super good, however, then it must be James L. Brooks’ horror film.

Michael Bay

*Michael Bay’s horror film will not screw around when it comes to gore, murder, and mayhem. The disrespect for human life on display will be remarkable.

*Everything looks orange, but it doesn’t matter because it takes place during Halloween.

*Typical slasher sex pot girls walk and talk like normal humans, except they’re constantly bent over, showing us their butts. So they look kind of like really hot elderly people.

*The killer is a mass murderer rather than a one at a time slasher type. Instead of having a traditional final girl, this film has a final Marine.

*Totally, 100% critic-proof.

J.J. Abrams

*The J.J. Abrams horror film will have a killer who fills you with fear and dread despite looking like someone you could easily beat up.

*Rather than be its own story, the film will instead pay homage to John Carpenter by copying the stuff he did without reverse engineering why any of it actually worked.

*Michael Giacchino’s score will be incredible, though hampered slightly by Abram’s demand that it emulate Carpenter’s synth scores as much as possible.

*Nothing regarding the killer and what he does will be revealed in marketing, leading everyone to hunger for knowledge regarding his identity. Turns out it was the gardener.

*Lens flares catch a priest on fire.

Editorials

‘A Haunted House’ and the Death of the Horror Spoof Movie

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Due to a complex series of anthropological mishaps, the Wayans Brothers are a huge deal in Brazil. Around these parts, White Chicks is considered a national treasure by a lot of people, so it stands to reason that Brazilian audiences would continue to accompany the Wayans’ comedic output long after North America had stopped taking them seriously as comedic titans.

This is the only reason why I originally watched Michael Tiddes and Marlon Wayans’ 2013 horror spoof A Haunted House – appropriately known as “Paranormal Inactivity” in South America – despite having abandoned this kind of movie shortly after the excellent Scary Movie 3. However, to my complete and utter amazement, I found myself mostly enjoying this unhinged parody of Found Footage films almost as much as the iconic spoofs that spear-headed the genre during the 2000s. And with Paramount having recently announced a reboot of the Scary Movie franchise, I think this is the perfect time to revisit the divisive humor of A Haunted House and maybe figure out why this kind of film hasn’t been popular in a long time.

Before we had memes and internet personalities to make fun of movie tropes for free on the internet, parody movies had been entertaining audiences with meta-humor since the very dawn of cinema. And since the genre attracted large audiences without the need for a serious budget, it made sense for studios to encourage parodies of their own productions – which is precisely what happened with Miramax when they commissioned a parody of the Scream franchise, the original Scary Movie.

The unprecedented success of the spoof (especially overseas) led to a series of sequels, spin-offs and rip-offs that came along throughout the 2000s. While some of these were still quite funny (I have a soft spot for 2008’s Superhero Movie), they ended up flooding the market much like the Guitar Hero games that plagued video game stores during that same timeframe.

You could really confuse someone by editing this scene into Paranormal Activity.

Of course, that didn’t stop Tiddes and Marlon Wayans from wanting to make another spoof meant to lampoon a sub-genre that had been mostly overlooked by the Scary Movie series – namely the second wave of Found Footage films inspired by Paranormal Activity. Wayans actually had an easier time than usual funding the picture due to the project’s Found Footage presentation, with the format allowing for a lower budget without compromising box office appeal.

In the finished film, we’re presented with supposedly real footage recovered from the home of Malcom Johnson (Wayans). The recordings themselves depict a series of unexplainable events that begin to plague his home when Kisha Davis (Essence Atkins) decides to move in, with the couple slowly realizing that the difficulties of a shared life are no match for demonic shenanigans.

In practice, this means that viewers are subjected to a series of familiar scares subverted by wacky hijinks, with the flick featuring everything from a humorous recreation of the iconic fan-camera from Paranormal Activity 3 to bizarre dance numbers replacing Katy’s late-night trances from Oren Peli’s original movie.

Your enjoyment of these antics will obviously depend on how accepting you are of Wayans’ patented brand of crass comedy. From advanced potty humor to some exaggerated racial commentary – including a clever moment where Malcom actually attempts to move out of the titular haunted house because he’s not white enough to deal with the haunting – it’s not all that surprising that the flick wound up with a 10% rating on Rotten Tomatoes despite making a killing at the box office.

However, while this isn’t my preferred kind of humor, I think the inherent limitations of Found Footage ended up curtailing the usual excesses present in this kind of parody, with the filmmakers being forced to focus on character-based comedy and a smaller scale story. This is why I mostly appreciate the love-hate rapport between Kisha and Malcom even if it wouldn’t translate to a healthy relationship in real life.

Of course, the jokes themselves can also be pretty entertaining on their own, with cartoony gags like the ghost getting high with the protagonists (complete with smoke-filled invisible lungs) and a series of silly The Exorcist homages towards the end of the movie. The major issue here is that these legitimately funny and genre-specific jokes are often accompanied by repetitive attempts at low-brow humor that you could find in any other cheap comedy.

Not a good idea.

Not only are some of these painfully drawn out “jokes” incredibly unfunny, but they can also be remarkably offensive in some cases. There are some pretty insensitive allusions to sexual assault here, as well as a collection of secondary characters defined by negative racial stereotypes (even though I chuckled heartily when the Latina maid was revealed to have been faking her poor English the entire time).

Cinephiles often claim that increasingly sloppy writing led to audiences giving up on spoof movies, but the fact is that many of the more beloved examples of the genre contain some of the same issues as later films like A Haunted House – it’s just that we as an audience have (mostly) grown up and are now demanding more from our comedy. However, this isn’t the case everywhere, as – much like the Elves from Lord of the Rings – spoof movies never really died, they simply diminished.

A Haunted House made so much money that they immediately started working on a second one that released the following year (to even worse reviews), and the same team would later collaborate once again on yet another spoof, 50 Shades of Black. This kind of film clearly still exists and still makes a lot of money (especially here in Brazil), they just don’t have the same cultural impact that they used to in a pre-social-media-humor world.

At the end of the day, A Haunted House is no comedic masterpiece, failing to live up to the laugh-out-loud thrills of films like Scary Movie 3, but it’s also not the trainwreck that most critics made it out to be back in 2013. Comedy is extremely subjective, and while the raunchy humor behind this flick definitely isn’t for everyone, I still think that this satirical romp is mostly harmless fun that might entertain Found Footage fans that don’t take themselves too seriously.

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