As we near the dawn of a new year, it’s understandable that you might want to mark the occasion by making it the first day for a brand new you. Perhaps you want to have more money, or you’d like to get in shape. Maybe you have finally grown tired of being a big jerk that everyone hates. Who knows what your problem is? But, as I intend to illustrate, it is sometimes better to accept who you are now rather than go find some “better” version of yourself. Some New Year’s resolutions are far more dangerous than they seem.
Head inside for more!
“I’m Going to Lose Weight”
Easy there, fatboy. You may get sick with disgust every time you look in the mirror, but keep in mind how much work it will take to get rid of all that flab. You’ll have to eat plants, and pretty much only plants, for the duration of your weight loss. This can lead to suicide.
But then there’s the obvious exercise. Our bodies do not like strenuous activity. That’s why working out sucks. You’re body is telling you “Ow!” You can only ignore a body saying “Oh!” so long before it blows up internally, committing suicide without your permission.
And let’s say you lose your weight and get real attractive. Guess what. Now you’re going to have a stalker problem. Often these cases end in death, if not for you then at least your pets. It’s just not worth the risk.
“I’m Going to be Nicer”
They say you’ll catch more flies with honey than vinegar. That’s true so long as we’re just talking about catching flies. As far as people are concerned, many find vinegar preferable to honey, particularly on salads.
If it’s people you’re after, you’ll catch more with money, which rhymes with honey and can buy honey, but in all other ways has nothing to do with honey. To get money, you need to be a jerk. Everyone knows this. If you truly succeed at being a nicer person, you run a greater risk of being poor, which, I mean, you might as well sign your death warrant right now.
Nice people face all kinds of dangers. They refrain from honking in traffic. They have to wait for things to be offered to them instead of just grabbing whatever they want. They must swallow all anger and frustration and fart out a rainbow of happiness, the process of which puts extraordinary stress on the heart. So if you don’t want to die of a happiness heart attack, stick with being a nasty douchebag.
“I’m Going to Spend More Time With My Family”
What a wonderful thought! Family, after all, is what the holidays are all about.
The things is, if this is you, your family might have already learned to get on without your presence. You can’t just jump back in the game after years of neglect and expect everyone to be happy about it. They’re just as likely to kill you dead and get back to the way things were before you got all sentimental.
“I’m Going to Quit Drinking/Smoking”
People always say this, and it’s easy to see why. Smoking and drinking is not only very hazardous to your health but affects your social standing as well. You can’t hold a job while reeking of Jack Daniels, and no one likes hanging out with someone who constantly smells like chimneys and cough drops.
But consider the difficulty of going straight. The strain of detoxing might be enough to kill you way earlier than expected. But more than that, it will make you really mean and hard to be around for a long time, a couple weeks if you’re lucky. In that amount of time, you’re very likely to get murdered.
And then there’s the point no one wants to make: Life sucks. Life without booze and smokes is nearly unbearable. Your chances for relapse are beaten only by your chances for suicide.
“I’m Going to Get More Organized”
If you’re a person with homes chaotic enough to utter these words, take heed. Things in your massive piles of unsorted crap may seem ugly and inspire nasty faces from parents and possible girlfriends, but it is your natural living condition. Going against that grain might seem nice but could easily prove fatal.
Let’s say you’re walking around with no lights on. You used to know the way around, what you had to climb over and what you had to duck underneath. Now, it’s all clear and the freedom of movement makes you walk faster than you normally would have. Whoops! You just ran into your broadsword wall display. Whoops! You just fell down the stairs. Whoops! You just tripped on a piece of furniture positioned to emit the highest amount of feng shui, and there are no twenty year old newspapers to break your fall. If you take medication, good luck finding them in an organized house. It’s hiding in one of 20-30 drawers and sub-drawers.
You need your mess. Without it, you’ll be lucky to make it a week.
“I’m Going to Learn Spanish”
Bad idea. Let’s say you go to the bookstore and buy all the Learn Spanish gear known to man: Books, CDs, Computer Software, the works. Sounds pretty harmless so far. But soon you’ll want to practice what you learned. Naturally, this urge will take you to a Mexican restaurant.
Nachos and burritos and good, but too much of that stuff will put you in the hospital. All the time you spend practicing Spanish will alienate friends and family you do have, most of whom probably love you regardless of how many languages you speak. You may be able to watch El Mariachi without subtitles, but there’s no one left to identify your body when your lungs fill with refried beans.
This fate is not limited to Spanish, by the way. Substitute which ever language and its main stereotypical food, and you’ll find the same results. In the case of Japanese, it might actually be worth it.
“I’m Going to Climb a Mountain”
Good for you! You want to do something physically difficult that puts you in the beautiful outdoors. Unfortunately, you’re probably not going to live through the ordeal, but your spirit is in the right place.
Mountain climbing is very dangerous. Obviously, you might fall to your death. But few people understand the hidden threats that come with the activity. It’s way worse than you think.
First off: The Goats. They don’t like people and aren’t shy about butting you off cliff edges. Birds of prey also don’t like you, and some are big enough to pick you up by the shoulders and drop you straight into the mouth of Hell.
On top of that, many mountains are closed for climbing, so park rangers might shoot you for trespassing. Also, those people who hunt fellow humans for fun and/or meat often take post on mountains, since climbers are so likely to die anyway. Additionally, and this is a long shot, your mountain might be alive and in the middle of battle with another mountain, as seen in The Hobbit.
All in all, mountain climbing may look good on the outset, but in reality it’s more like a one way ticket to buying the farm. Actually, buying a farm would be a much safer New Year’s resolution, so long as it has no goats.
“I’m Going to Become a Snake Handler”
So many innocent, mild mannered people make this odd and increasingly popular New Year’s resolution. They think some sort of happiness and life improvement will come from the handling of and playing with poisonous snakes.
Well, snakes are fun, but they like to bite when frightened, that fills their handlers with often lethal doses of venom. This kills you. I mean, I don’t know what else I can possible say on the matter. Don’t juggle snakes.
“I’m Going to Play More Russian Roulette”
I don’t really get where you’re coming from, but please do not do this. Your life is not worth just throwing away for no reason. Granted, it looks like something maybe tough guys do, but you have so much to live for. Just because I can’t think of anything specific, that doesn’t mean I’m only saying what you want to hear in order to dissuade you from blowing your brains out.
You may think the math is on your side, but that’s an illusion. If you’ve ever seen Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, you know how the math can lie to you. There are other, better ways to have fun and be a daredevil.
“I’m Going to Jump Off a Skyscraper”
Okay. Please stop making New Year’s resolutions. You clearly want to kill yourself and there’s nothing I nor anyone else can say to dissuade you. What an awful waste.
You will die when the force of gravity crushes you against whatever hard surface stops your fall. Maybe it will be a car. Maybe it will be another person. Maybe you’ll fall directly through an open manhole and become a fun bit of trivia. One way or another, this New Year’s resolution turns you into a jelly covered pancake.
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