Movie commercials offer us a great service; they not only show us which upcoming movies look good, but also which ones to avoid. And if one looks closely, they often reveal more than intended about the film in question. In honor of this profound art, I give you TRAILER TRACKS, an examination of upcoming movie commercials: What they say, what they don’t say, and what they say on accident about the product being sold to you, the excited chump.

Today’s Entry:
The Lords of Salem (Dir. Rob Zombie)

Introduction:
Rob Zombie is a filmmaker you all know. He made some music videos for songs he wrote and sang about scary stuff like Bunnicula and Frankenberry.

Upon aging out of the music scene, Zombie turned to feature films with an entry into the Texas Chain Saw Massacre series entitled House of 1000 Corpses. After that he made the fake-grindhouse classic The Devil’s Rejects and then pivoted directly into two films celebrating and honoring John Carpenter’s Halloween the same way you celebrate and honor your best friend’s mom when you film her in the bathroom without her knowing it.

Now Zombie is back to making his own movies again. It’s been a while, so anticipation is high. Can The Lords of Salem deliver?

The Set Up:
Sheri Rob Zombie Moon plays a Rob Zombette named Sheri Rob Zombie Moon. She is a high ranking defense attorney at a prestigious law firm that allows beautiful women to dress up like Rob Zombie.

After moving into the Overlook Hotel, the Rob Zombette notices women down the hall but they always disappear before she can talk to them. They are very curious to her because they don’t have dreadlocks, tattoos, or gigantic beards. When she asks her landlord who they are, she looks confused and accuses the Rob Zombette of being delusional. Then Beverly D’Angelo shows up and masterbates at her.

The Problem:
It looks like the Overlook hotel might be haunted. As Sheri Rob Zombie Moon walks around her apartment there are apparently Rob Zombies just standing around in dark corners, waiting for her to finally see them.

These aren’t just ghosts, either, but rather Female Satan Worshipper Ghosts who are out for revenge because of tortures they endured way back in pilgrim days. We see a little of this in the trailer as two dreadlocked, tattooed pilgrims with giant beards wheel out a witch in an Iron Maiden.

So, from what I can understand, the Salem Witch Trials were not murders motivated by sexism and small wieners. Those were actual witches, mean ones. It was good that the Rob Zombie pilgrims tortured them. But now they’re back, and I guess they want to use Sheri Rob Zombie Moon as some kind of conduit to the living world. That’s bad news for us because people are way less into torturing women these days, so they’ll probably get away with it.

The Solution:
I wouldn’t count on there being much of a workable solution, so let’s instead discuss the attempted solution.

Late in trailer we meet three new Rob Zombies, one who Sheri Rob Zombie Moon talks to on a telephone. He might be her boyfriend, or filmmaking/musician husband. Then we have to academic Rob Zombies. These guys are beardless and have grey hair because they’re older and work indoors. They seem to know a thing or two about witches and demonic possession and stuff like that. So they offer Sheri Rob Zombie Moon a potential avenue for aide. They’re also probably only in the film so Rob Zombie has more people to murder. There’s also a scary Brad Dourif lady, but I don’t think she’s friendly.

I don’t want to be too blunt, but I’m pretty sure this film will end with a giant Witch Possessed Godzilla version of Sheri Rob Zombie Moon knocking over buildings and roasting Japanese people alive with her radioactive fire breath.

In Summation:
This movie is going to be crazy, and nothing but death could keep me from seeing it. A lot of people already have seen it. Even if they unanimously shot this down as one of the worst movies ever made, I’d still have to watch it. Rob Zombie is such a bizarre, potentially talented filmmaker that I have no choice. If nothing else, this trailer seems to be free of his overzealous redneck profanity. Perhaps he’s grown.