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11 Things We Want From The New ‘Friday The 13th’ Movie!!!

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Last week it was announced that Paramount had regained the rights to the Friday The 13th franchise, and they have a five year window to make things happen. I’m not sure if this means that the rights will expire if they don’t make a movie in the next five years (deals like this are common) or if they simply have five years to make as many of these suckers as they can. If the latter is the case, and if their initial foray is lucrative enough, they can certainly get four out there if they follow the “one a year” release pattern from the 80’s.

It’s too late for them to make one in time for December 13th of this year, so I imagine that they’ll be aiming for the next available date – June 13th, 2014 – which gives them some time to get it right. While I genuinely dug the 2009 remake (and wouldn’t at all mind getting that rumored Shannon/Swift snowbound sequel), there are some ground rules we need to establish before moving forward in order to ensure we get the best F13 possible.

Head below for 11 Things We Want In The Next Friday The 13th!!!

NO BAGHEAD JASON

I LOVE baghead Jason, but any movie they put him in will also eventually require the signature hockey mask, and we’ve already seen Jason find his mask twice already. I’m not knocking the remake or Part 3 at all, we just don’t need another origin story. Let’s hit the ground running

NO ZOMBIE JASON

As much as I love Jason Lives, I think we could do with a few more great non-supernatural F13 movies. There’s always time to kill him and turn him into a zombie, but there’s no going back once we do that. So let’s keep things grounded in “reality” for a bit.

KEEP IT RELATABLE

By this I just mean don’t make the characters and their surrounding world brick stupid, just a modest request to put a minimum about of effort into things. The best entries (Part 2, The Final Chapter, Jason Lives) at least tried to populate the film with reasonably identifiable characters that more or less talked like human beings. I normally wouldn’t be concerned about this but then I saw Texas Chainsaw 3D, a film filled with people any reasonable dolphin could outsmart. I was still able to enjoy that movie, but would hate for those characters to make their way to Crystal Lake.

KEEP IT SIMPLE

No space, no jumping spirits, no telekineses, no vendetta infused ambulance drivers. No conspiracies. No “the town is in on it.” You know what we need? People in the woods getting killed by Jason. That’s it. Take those 3 chords and play the sh*t out of them.

CAMP CRYSTAL LAKE

In fact, why not go back to camp? While the ruins of Camp Crystal Lake figured into the remake, I still miss the place. Let’s try and set the film there. The layout of cabins (as opposed to one single structure like a house) adds some additional budget friendly scope and also makes it more plausible that our heroine will be genuinely shocked when she finds all the bodies in Act 3. Maybe we can up the stakes and even have kids there this time? That’s something only Jason Lives was able to pull off, and even then it was only at the very end.

NO FOUND FOOTAGE!

This is very, very important. I’ve heard some rumblings here and there that they might like to go the found footage route with this movie. While I don’t automatically dislike the POV aesthetic, it’s just not right for a Friday The 13th film. We go to these movies for a very specific experience and nostalgia plays a pretty big role in it. Don’t mess this up. Paramount, if you make a found footage F13 movie you have no idea the world of trouble you will get from the fans. No idea. I’m pretty easy going about these kinds of things but I think even I would lose my sh*t on this one.

I understand the desire to make these things cheaply, and that the $20-$30 million spent on the Platinum Dunes version was perhaps too much. But you could spend $10 million, hit all the bases you need to hit, and be assured of a decent financial return.

GREAT KILLS

Another issue a lot of people had with the 2009 entry was the lack of creativity behind the kills. While Jason’s slaughtering efforts have never really particularly been Rube Goldberg-ian in nature, I guess I can see some room for improvement. While I liked the brutality of the remake, there could have been a little more zip when it came to the dispatches. Although it was pretty nifty when the machete embedded in that girl’s skull beneath the dock lifted her out of the water for a second.

DEREK MEARS

I loved the 2009 film. But even if you didn’t, you pretty much have to admit he kicked ass in it. Give him another shot, he’s one of the best Jasons we’ve ever had.

A “FINDING ALL THE BODIES” SCENE

Come on! This is such an integral part of the earlier entries I’m surprised it’s not referenced more often as one of the key ingredients.

SEX, OF COURSE

T&A are an F13 staple. The series is basically about punishing young people for having sex, so it’s a foregone conclusion that it will be in there. So I defy you to top the Travis Van Winkle/Julianna Guill “perfect nipple placement” coupling from the last outing. That sh*t was hilarious.

KEVIN BACON CAMEO

If he’s up for it, have him play a Crazy Ralph style doomsayer. You’ll get some miles out of that one. Trust me.

Editorials

Finding Faith and Violence in ‘The Book of Eli’ 14 Years Later

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Having grown up in a religious family, Christian movie night was something that happened a lot more often than I care to admit. However, back when I was a teenager, my parents showed up one night with an unusually cool-looking DVD of a movie that had been recommended to them by a church leader. Curious to see what new kind of evangelical propaganda my parents had rented this time, I proceeded to watch the film with them expecting a heavy-handed snoozefest.

To my surprise, I was a few minutes in when Denzel Washington proceeded to dismember a band of cannibal raiders when I realized that this was in fact a real movie. My mom was horrified by the flick’s extreme violence and dark subject matter, but I instantly became a fan of the Hughes Brothers’ faith-based 2010 thriller, The Book of Eli. And with the film’s atomic apocalypse having apparently taken place in 2024, I think this is the perfect time to dive into why this grim parable might also be entertaining for horror fans.

Originally penned by gaming journalist and The Walking Dead: The Game co-writer Gary Whitta, the spec script for The Book of Eli was already making waves back in 2007 when it appeared on the coveted Blacklist. It wasn’t long before Columbia and Warner Bros. snatched up the rights to the project, hiring From Hell directors Albert and Allen Hughes while also garnering attention from industry heavyweights like Denzel Washington and Gary Oldman.

After a series of revisions by Anthony Peckham meant to make the story more consumer-friendly, the picture was finally released in January of 2010, with the finished film following Denzel as a mysterious wanderer making his way across a post-apocalyptic America while protecting a sacred book. Along the way, he encounters a run-down settlement controlled by Bill Carnegie (Gary Oldman), a man desperate to get his hands on Eli’s book so he can motivate his underlings to expand his empire. Unwilling to let this power fall into the wrong hands, Eli embarks on a dangerous journey that will test the limits of his faith.


SO WHY IS IT WORTH WATCHING?

Judging by the film’s box-office success, mainstream audiences appear to have enjoyed the Hughes’ bleak vision of a future where everything went wrong, but critics were left divided by the flick’s trope-heavy narrative and unapologetic religious elements. And while I’ll be the first to admit that The Book of Eli isn’t particularly subtle or original, I appreciate the film’s earnest execution of familiar ideas.

For starters, I’d like to address the religious elephant in the room, as I understand the hesitation that some folks (myself included) might have about watching something that sounds like Christian propaganda. Faith does indeed play a huge part in the narrative here, but I’d argue that the film is more about the power of stories than a specific religion. The entire point of Oldman’s character is that he needs a unifying narrative that he can take advantage of in order to manipulate others, while Eli ultimately chooses to deliver his gift to a community of scholars. In fact, the movie even makes a point of placing the Bible in between equally culturally important books like the Torah and Quran, which I think is pretty poignant for a flick inspired by exploitation cinema.

Sure, the film has its fair share of logical inconsistencies (ranging from the extent of Eli’s Daredevil superpowers to his impossibly small Braille Bible), but I think the film more than makes up for these nitpicks with a genuine passion for classic post-apocalyptic cinema. Several critics accused the film of being a knockoff of superior productions, but I’d argue that both Whitta and the Hughes knowingly crafted a loving pastiche of genre influences like Mad Max and A Boy and His Dog.

Lastly, it’s no surprise that the cast here absolutely kicks ass. Denzel plays the title role of a stoic badass perfectly (going so far as to train with Bruce Lee’s protégée in order to perform his own stunts) while Oldman effortlessly assumes a surprisingly subdued yet incredibly intimidating persona. Even Mila Kunis is remarkably charming here, though I wish the script had taken the time to develop these secondary characters a little further. And hey, did I mention that Tom Waits is in this?


AND WHAT MAKES IT HORROR ADJACENT?

Denzel’s very first interaction with another human being in this movie results in a gory fight scene culminating in a face-off against a masked brute wielding a chainsaw (which he presumably uses to butcher travelers before eating them), so I think it’s safe to say that this dog-eat-dog vision of America will likely appeal to horror fans.

From diseased cannibals to hyper-violent motorcycle gangs roaming the wasteland, there’s plenty of disturbing R-rated material here – which is even more impressive when you remember that this story revolves around the bible. And while there are a few too many references to sexual assault for my taste, even if it does make sense in-universe, the flick does a great job of immersing you in this post-nuclear nightmare.

The excessively depressing color palette and obvious green screen effects may take some viewers out of the experience, but the beat-up and lived-in sets and costume design do their best to bring this dead world to life – which might just be the scariest part of the experience.

Ultimately, I believe your enjoyment of The Book of Eli will largely depend on how willing you are to overlook some ham-fisted biblical references in order to enjoy some brutal post-apocalyptic shenanigans. And while I can’t really blame folks who’d rather not deal with that, I think it would be a shame to miss out on a genuinely engaging thrill-ride because of one minor detail.

With that in mind, I’m incredibly curious to see what Whitta and the Hughes Brothers have planned for the upcoming prequel series starring John Boyega


There’s no understating the importance of a balanced media diet, and since bloody and disgusting entertainment isn’t exclusive to the horror genre, we’ve come up with Horror Adjacent – a recurring column where we recommend non-horror movies that horror fans might enjoy.

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