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11 Things We Want From The New ‘Friday The 13th’ Movie!!!

Last week it was announced that Paramount had regained the rights to the Friday The 13th franchise, and they have a five year window to make things happen. I’m not sure if this means that the rights will expire if they don’t make a movie in the next five years (deals like this are common) or if they simply have five years to make as many of these suckers as they can. If the latter is the case, and if their initial foray is lucrative enough, they can certainly get four out there if they follow the “one a year” release pattern from the 80’s.

It’s too late for them to make one in time for December 13th of this year, so I imagine that they’ll be aiming for the next available date – June 13th, 2014 – which gives them some time to get it right. While I genuinely dug the 2009 remake (and wouldn’t at all mind getting that rumored Shannon/Swift snowbound sequel), there are some ground rules we need to establish before moving forward in order to ensure we get the best F13 possible.

Head below for 11 Things We Want In The Next Friday The 13th!!!

NO BAGHEAD JASON

I LOVE baghead Jason, but any movie they put him in will also eventually require the signature hockey mask, and we’ve already seen Jason find his mask twice already. I’m not knocking the remake or Part 3 at all, we just don’t need another origin story. Let’s hit the ground running

NO ZOMBIE JASON

As much as I love Jason Lives, I think we could do with a few more great non-supernatural F13 movies. There’s always time to kill him and turn him into a zombie, but there’s no going back once we do that. So let’s keep things grounded in “reality” for a bit.

KEEP IT RELATABLE

By this I just mean don’t make the characters and their surrounding world brick stupid, just a modest request to put a minimum about of effort into things. The best entries (Part 2, The Final Chapter, Jason Lives) at least tried to populate the film with reasonably identifiable characters that more or less talked like human beings. I normally wouldn’t be concerned about this but then I saw Texas Chainsaw 3D, a film filled with people any reasonable dolphin could outsmart. I was still able to enjoy that movie, but would hate for those characters to make their way to Crystal Lake.

KEEP IT SIMPLE

No space, no jumping spirits, no telekineses, no vendetta infused ambulance drivers. No conspiracies. No “the town is in on it.” You know what we need? People in the woods getting killed by Jason. That’s it. Take those 3 chords and play the sh*t out of them.

CAMP CRYSTAL LAKE

In fact, why not go back to camp? While the ruins of Camp Crystal Lake figured into the remake, I still miss the place. Let’s try and set the film there. The layout of cabins (as opposed to one single structure like a house) adds some additional budget friendly scope and also makes it more plausible that our heroine will be genuinely shocked when she finds all the bodies in Act 3. Maybe we can up the stakes and even have kids there this time? That’s something only Jason Lives was able to pull off, and even then it was only at the very end.

NO FOUND FOOTAGE!

This is very, very important. I’ve heard some rumblings here and there that they might like to go the found footage route with this movie. While I don’t automatically dislike the POV aesthetic, it’s just not right for a Friday The 13th film. We go to these movies for a very specific experience and nostalgia plays a pretty big role in it. Don’t mess this up. Paramount, if you make a found footage F13 movie you have no idea the world of trouble you will get from the fans. No idea. I’m pretty easy going about these kinds of things but I think even I would lose my sh*t on this one.

I understand the desire to make these things cheaply, and that the $20-$30 million spent on the Platinum Dunes version was perhaps too much. But you could spend $10 million, hit all the bases you need to hit, and be assured of a decent financial return.

GREAT KILLS

Another issue a lot of people had with the 2009 entry was the lack of creativity behind the kills. While Jason’s slaughtering efforts have never really particularly been Rube Goldberg-ian in nature, I guess I can see some room for improvement. While I liked the brutality of the remake, there could have been a little more zip when it came to the dispatches. Although it was pretty nifty when the machete embedded in that girl’s skull beneath the dock lifted her out of the water for a second.

DEREK MEARS

I loved the 2009 film. But even if you didn’t, you pretty much have to admit he kicked ass in it. Give him another shot, he’s one of the best Jasons we’ve ever had.

A “FINDING ALL THE BODIES” SCENE

Come on! This is such an integral part of the earlier entries I’m surprised it’s not referenced more often as one of the key ingredients.

SEX, OF COURSE

T&A are an F13 staple. The series is basically about punishing young people for having sex, so it’s a foregone conclusion that it will be in there. So I defy you to top the Travis Van Winkle/Julianna Guill “perfect nipple placement” coupling from the last outing. That sh*t was hilarious.

KEVIN BACON CAMEO

If he’s up for it, have him play a Crazy Ralph style doomsayer. You’ll get some miles out of that one. Trust me.



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