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[Through the Cracks] You May Have Missed 1982 Valentine’s Slasher ‘X-Ray’

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As hardcore horror fans, sometimes it feels like you’ve seen it all. There are no surprises left to discover, no classic slasher film waiting around the corner to thrill you and slap a childlike grin on your face. You try to feed the fix by searching through lists of “The Scariest Films You’ve Never Seen” only to come across titles like “May”, “The Descent”, and “Suspiria”. These are, of course, films that us diehards know and love all too well. That’s where I come in, dear reader. We’ll be taking a deep dive into the bowels of obscure horror from decades past and uncovering titles that might have fallen “Through the Cracks”.

X-Ray (1982)

AKA: Hospital Massacre and Be My Valentine, Or Else..

Directed By: Boaz Davidson

When it comes to Valentine’s Day horror flicks, you would think there’d be a heart-shaped box load of them cluttering your video shelf. However, outside of the V-Day hack-n-slash staples of My Bloody Valentine and it’s third-dimensional remake, there’s not much worth writing a sonnet about. In my attempt to Indiana Jones myself through the dusty underworld of unheralded gems, I began watching a little post-Scream DTV slasher called Lover’s Lane (streaming now on Amazon Prime). It features a before-she-was-famous performance from Anna Faris and an actress I swore I knew from one of the many Saved by the Bell rip-offs. Turns out, she was actually from Saved by the Bell: The New Class. Same diff. All of this is pointless because that little ditty was so unbearably bland that I had to hit the big white “X” in the top-right corner of my screen midway through. So, what VD gift do I come bearing for you fiends that will satisfy your craving for obscure horror goodness? I remembered there was at least one other Valentine’s slasher that I’d enjoyed a few years back. Maybe it was worth a revisit?

X-Ray is an early entry into the booming slasher cycle of the 80s, though, it’d be easy to mistake it for a late cycle cash-in. This is one of the few slasher films in the cannon of Cannon Films (alongside New Year’s Evil). Despite the somewhat glossy production, there’s a sense of murder by numbers to the overall exercise. The plot, as it stands, won’t be wooing anyone with its originality. Young Susan, Elizabeth Hoy (one of the psycho tots from the previous year’s Bloody Birthday), is sharing a playdate with a boy when neighborhood whacko, Harold, drops a personalized Valentine off at her door. Susan and her friend take the romantic gesture as a joke, wadding the card into a ball on the floor. Harold is creepily watching from the window…much like creeps are want to do. When Susan leaves her friend alone in order to cut two pieces of cake with the largest friggin’ kitchen knife ever (perhaps a nod to Bloody Birthday?), she returns to find her playmate has been hung from a coat rack while that dastardly Harold is laughing at her from outside the window.

That quick prologue is all you’re going to get in terms of motivation for the remainder of the film. We jump forward 19 years later, and Susan has grown into the gorgeous Barbi Benton (most well known for being a Playboy playmate) who has a daughter of her own, a sneering ex-husband, and a doting new beau, Jack. It’s Valentine’s Day and Susan has to pop into the hospital real quick to pick up test results from a routine physical that will clear her for a new position at work. When a man dressed as a doctor with surgical mask and cap concealing a [small] portion of his face starts knocking off people in the hospital, it doesn’t take much cognitive ability to determine Harold is back, and he’s still got the hots for Susan.

So, sure, this is “Slasher 101,” but that’s what us old school slasher fans love about these flicks. It’s like sitting down to a warm cup of chicken noodle soup for the horror lover’s soul. Of course, it’s not enough to just feature a final girl run afoul of a psycho with a knife. Screenwriter Marc Behm truly exploits the hospital setting. He’s not content to simply throw in a few medical inspired deaths. There are plenty of uncomfortable moments that play on the widespread fear of hospitals. Personally, I’ve always been skeeved out by hospitals due to several unpleasant childhood experiences with said establishments. What starts with Susan rushing in to grab a certificate proving her “clean bill of health” turns into a nauseating comedy of errors, all orchestrated by her loony slasher. From mixed medical records, tampered with test results, whispered conversations amongst doctors in plain sight, and an incredibly long, drawn-out physical exam, it all manages to crawl under the viewer’s skin as things get increasingly worse for Susan.

The exam scene, in particular, plays up the real world anxiety of such doctor’s visits (especially with women under the care of a male doctor). With some stranger’s roaming hands poking and prodding our bodies, it’s an unease inherent in us all. As this moment plays out, this anxiety is exploited right along with Ms. Benton herself. The camera lingers on her assets uncomfortably so. This is just one of many moments that perhaps I give director Boaz Davidson too much credit for. Is he using Benton’s nude form to heighten the unease, or is it just “Yay! Boobies!”? This uncertainty extends to the dark humor throughout. You could potentially read some of the funnier moments in the film as merely failed attempts at shock and horror (such as the hysterical moment Susan runs screaming for help only to stumble into a room of grunting men in full body casts). After all, the genre was still in the early stages. Would they already be picking apart the conventions?

A suspenseful scene involving a dropped zippo and a threadbare curtain that wouldn’t stand to conceal anybody is unbearably nerve-jangling despite the nonsensical logistics at play. It’s laughable if you put an iota of thought into it, so it’s best you don’t. Take the killer’s guise, for instance. The film is loaded with red herrings. From the ex to every single doctor and janitor in the building, they’re all suspects and act rightly so. This is, of course, despite the fact that we can clearly see the majority of the killer’s face and… QUASI-SPOILER ALERT FOR THOSE WHO, LIKE ME, DON’T PAY ATTENTION TO NAMES ALL THAT WELL…

…We know from the beginning that the killer is named Harold. Very early into Susan’s visit, she meets a doctor who introduces himself as Harry! Granted, I completely failed to notice his name, yet I still pegged him as the generically handsome white guy behind the surgical mask as opposed to the other generically handsome white guy suspects. Surely the filmmakers had no intention of trying to trick the audience with the killer’s identity, even if the reveal is treated as such. This is just a takeoff on slasher conventions, right? END SPOILERS

Whether intentionally humorous or not, X-Ray is a lot of fun. There are moments that might drag in the second act, but Boaz manages to kick things into high gear with the final reel’s nonstop chase. It all feels like the type of nightmare I’ve had too many time before. Overly bland lighting that slowly descends into harsh greens and blues, the over the top score that features totally out of place choral chanting, and the high body count – this is one Valentine’s gift worth giving to lovers of slasher cheese. Available from Scream Factory on a double disc with Schizoid.

Editorials

‘Leprechaun Returns’ – The Charm of the Franchise’s Legacy Sequel

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leprechaun returns

The erratic Leprechaun franchise is not known for sticking with a single concept for too long. The namesake (originally played by Warwick Davis) has gone to L.A., Las Vegas, space, and the ‘hood (not once but twice). And after an eleven-year holiday since the Davis era ended, the character received a drastic makeover in a now-unmentionable reboot. The critical failure of said film would have implied it was time to pack away the green top hat and shillelagh, and say goodbye to the nefarious imp. Instead, the Leprechaun series tried its luck again.

The general consensus for the Leprechaun films was never positive, and the darker yet blander Leprechaun: Origins certainly did not sway opinions. Just because the 2014 installment took itself seriously did not mean viewers would. After all, creator Mark Jones conceived a gruesome horror-comedy back in the early nineties, and that format is what was expected of any future ventures. So as horror legacy sequels (“legacyquels”) became more common in the 2010s, Leprechaun Returns followed suit while also going back to what made the ‘93 film work. This eighth entry echoed Halloween (2018) by ignoring all the previous sequels as well as being a direct continuation of the original. Even ardent fans can surely understand the decision to wipe the slate clean, so to speak.

Leprechaun Returns “continued the [franchise’s] trend of not being consistent by deciding to be consistent.” The retconning of Steven Kostanski and Suzanne Keilly’s film was met with little to no pushback from the fandom, who had already become accustomed to seeing something new and different with every chapter. Only now the “new and different” was familiar. With the severe route of Origins a mere speck in the rearview mirror, director Kotanski implemented a “back to basics” approach that garnered better reception than Zach Lipovsky’s own undertaking. The one-two punch of preposterous humor and grisly horror was in full force again.

LEPRECHAUN

Pictured: Linden Porco as The Leprechaun in Leprechaun Returns.

With Warwick Davis sitting this film out — his own choice — there was the foremost challenge of finding his replacement. Returns found Davis’ successor in Linden Porco, who admirably filled those blood-stained, buckled shoes. And what would a legacy sequel be without a returning character? Jennifer Aniston obviously did not reprise her final girl role of Tory Redding. So, the film did the next best thing and fetched another of Lubdan’s past victims: Ozzie, the likable oaf played by Mark Holton. Returns also created an extension of Tory’s character by giving her a teenage daughter, Lila (Taylor Spreitler).

It has been twenty-five years since the events of the ‘93 film. The incident is unknown to all but its survivors. Interested in her late mother’s history there in Devil’s Lake, North Dakota, Lila transferred to the local university and pledged a sorority — really the only one on campus — whose few members now reside in Tory Redding’s old home. The farmhouse-turned-sorority-house is still a work in progress; Lila’s fellow Alpha Epsilon sisters were in the midst of renovating the place when a ghost of the past found its way into the present.

The Psycho Goreman and The Void director’s penchant for visceral special effects is noted early on as the Leprechaun tears not only into the modern age, but also through poor Ozzie’s abdomen. The portal from 1993 to 2018 is soaked with blood and guts as the Leprechaun forces his way into the story. Davis’ iconic depiction of the wee antagonist is missed, however, Linden Porco is not simply keeping the seat warm in case his predecessor ever resumes the part. His enthusiastic performance is accentuated by a rotten-looking mug that adds to his innate menace.

LEPRECHAUN RETURNS sequel

Pictured: Taylor Spreitler, Pepi Sonuga, and Sai Bennett as Lila, Katie and Rose in Leprechaun Returns.

The obligatory fodder is mostly young this time around. Apart from one luckless postman and Ozzie — the premature passing of the latter character removed the chance of caring about anyone in the film — the Leprechaun’s potential prey are all college aged. Lila is this story’s token trauma kid with caregiver baggage; her mother thought “monsters were always trying to get her.” Lila’s habit of mentioning Tory’s mental health problem does not make a good first impression with the resident mean girl and apparent alcoholic of the sorority, Meredith (Emily Reid). Then there are the nicer but no less cursorily written of the Alpha Epsilon gals: eco-conscious and ex-obsessive Katie (Pepi Sonuga), and uptight overachiever Rose (Sai Bennett). Rounding out the main cast are a pair of destined-to-die bros (Oliver Llewellyn Jenkins, Ben McGregor). Lila and her peers range from disposable to plain irritating, so rooting for any one of them is next to impossible. Even so, their overstated personalities make their inevitable fates more satisfying.

Where Returns excels is its death sequences. Unlike Jones’ film, this one is not afraid of killing off members of the main cast. Lila, admittedly, wears too much plot armor, yet with her mother’s spirit looming over her and the whole story — comedian Heather McDonald put her bang-on Aniston impersonation to good use as well as provided a surprisingly emotional moment in the film — her immunity can be overlooked. Still, the other characters’ brutal demises make up for Lila’s imperviousness. The Leprechaun’s killer set-pieces also happen to demonstrate the time period, seeing as he uses solar panels and a drone in several supporting characters’ executions. A premortem selfie and the antagonist’s snarky mention of global warming additionally add to this film’s particular timestamp.

Critics were quick to say Leprechaun Returns did not break new ground. Sure, there is no one jetting off to space, or the wacky notion of Lubdan becoming a record producer. This reset, however, is still quite charming and entertaining despite its lack of risk-taking. And with yet another reboot in the works, who knows where the most wicked Leprechaun ever to exist will end up next.


Horror contemplates in great detail how young people handle inordinate situations and all of life’s unexpected challenges. While the genre forces characters of every age to face their fears, it is especially interested in how youths might fare in life-or-death scenarios.

The column Young Blood is dedicated to horror stories for and about teenagers, as well as other young folks on the brink of terror.

Leprechaun Returns movie

Pictured: Linden Porco as The Leprechaun in Leprechaun Returns.

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