|release date||September 9 2011|
|director||Fred M. Andrews|
|writer||Fred M. Andrews|
|starring||Mehcad Brooks, Serinda Swan, Sid Haig, Daniel Bernhardt, Amanda Fuller, Dillon Casey, Lauren Schneider|
|trailer 1||Trailer #1|
Over the past few months I haven’t been very kind to Fred Andrews’ Creature, in fact, I’d say I’ve been borderline malicious. Every single thing done to promote the film rubbed me the wrong way; it all pointed to “bad.” Still, as a horror fan – and someone who loves man-in-rubber-suit creature features – I desperately wanted Creature to be awesome. In fact, I promised that if I enjoyed the film I would record myself screaming so from my roof. The only screaming that will take place is that of horror fans demanding a refund upon final credits.
Creature (also known as Lockjaw and Blood is Blood) is a bad movie, but that’s not what’s infuriating – it’s that the monster movie is an absolutely appalling piece of work, deserving of a public stoning for having the audacity to believe its worthy of a 1,500 theater release. THE BALLS they must have to even call it “complete”. More on that soon…
Andrews’ movie is another one of those backwoods horror compellations that mixes obnoxious yokels into a creature feature. It’s as if Andrews or co-writer Tracy Morse have never seen classic films such as Deliverance or The Hills Have Eyes. Their idea of character development is overalls and dirt, because from their feeble scope of life, small town folk don’t shower, brush their teeth, nor drink water: It’s beer, “f*ck this”-“f*ck that,” and gross, yellow wife beaters that have been worn for 365 days straight. The teens, introduced via the atypical “car ride”, are about as faceless and unlikeable as anyone ever caught on film. As you may have guessed, the two groups intersect when the (30-year-old) teens stop for some snackages at a place owned by low class locals (headed by Sid Haig).
After a rough, exposition heavy 30 minutes, the super friends head off for more car conversations where one of them recites a local legend about “Grimley,” the town’s boogeyman riddled with a moronic back story. How bad is the origin of “Grimley” you ask? It’s so f*cking stupid that even one of the characters exclaims: “That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard.” Boy was she was right. What’s that? You want to know the origin of said creature? OK, why not? Grimley was f*cking his sister to keep the bloodline alive, she was pregnant and a white alligator ate her. He was so angry he hunted down the alligator, killed it, and then ate rotted flesh until he became a half alligator-half man creature. What’s that? You think I’m being sarcastic? No, no, no, I swear, this is the plot! He’s so angry that his sister was eaten that he’s going to hunt these kids down and kill them… sigh.
Even more bizarre is the filmmaker’s attempt to throw in red herrings with a regular ol’ alligator. Because, you know, you’re seeing a movie called Creature, but you still may believe a regular alligator is the killer… sigh (again).
But let’s be realistic here, we’re horror fans, as long as there are some cool kills we’ll play along. What if I were to tell you every single death scene occurs off camera, some of which we never even see the result? The one that had me falling out of my seat in laughter is when an AD (or someone) throws a bloody piece of clothing in the water from off screen.
Speaking of death scenes, one of the best things about a creature feature is seeing the creative way the teens will destroy the monster. In a complete attempt to ruin the finale, because at this point I really don’t give a sh*t, Grimley pulls the protagonist into a mud hole. Her friend proceeds to dive in after her. Moments later, the girl lifts her way out of the hole, followed by our hero who proceeds to throw Grimley’s jaw on the ground. Yes, you read that correctly, the entire fight sequence took place off camera.
To go on about the filmmakers poor decisions (like the constant, obnoxious use of slow motion, lack of camera work, and hefty sequences of barf-inducing exposition) would be to filibuster more than necessary. The point has been made, Creature is the worst theatrical movie of the year. It’s so bad that, if rated by Rotten Tomatoes, it won’t score above 0%. And if the filmmakers think they’re fooling anyone, they’re straight up delusional. The footage for Creature should have been left in the swamp for the alligators to eat.