[BD Review] ‘Vampire Academy’ A Tedious and Lame School

VAMPIRE ACADEMY

Half Harry Potter, half “2 Broke Girls”, Dan Waters’ Vampire Academy is a tedium of heavy exposition, tired pop culture humor and some of the lamest vampires ever (one guy looks like a cross between Blade and Kevin Smith). It’s actually ironic that the movie takes a jab at Twilight, considering it may be even be worse than that abomination.

The movie opens with a ten minute purge of exposition explaining the three types of vampires, the rules, and how the two main characters are connected. Once the runaway duo (played by Zoey Dutch and Lucy Fry) are apprehended, they’re taken back to St. Vladimir’s Academy where they’re now outcasts. There, the class of teen vamps zing each other as they move from snooze-inducing scene after scene, pointlessly taking the viewer deeper and deeper into the lame traditions of the school. In a world that has Facebook and hashtags (and even malls), these vampires insist on living in the past for unknown reasons and doing things in a ridiculous and asinine way (the way they dress and act are completely void of any realism). The difference between this fantasy world and the one in Harry Potter is that Potter is FUN. Vampire Academy is just awful.

Even worse, by the time the conflict is introduced (and everything is over-explained, again), the movie already feels like it’s been on for an eternity. You’ll be begging to get out of the theater and into the sunlight.

On a weekend where you have a choice between two very bad movies, Vampire Academy and Nurse 3D, you should make the strong effort to at least see one that’s enjoyable – the sleazy, fun and cheesy Nurse 3D. At the very least, you’ll want to skip out of Vampire Academy – any kind of punishment you’ll get is better than this school.

Official Score

  • CC

    I find it comical that *this* site – Bloody Disgusting, the #1 horror site – has done a review of Vampire Academy. Are you for real? This movie doesn’t even come *close* to horror. Why not stick with what you know?

    • Henry F.

      I agree completely! I left a comment regarding this on the last BD article on this movie, and some guy got all pissed off at me. You know those people who say if it doesn’t interest you, don’t click the link? Well when it’s something like “Vampire Academy,” I feel the need to click on it, just to comment something like what you’ve just said.

    • GothicGuido

      Give them a break, this site couldn’t exist on hardcore horror alone. Same goes for those end of the year list’s everyone complained about.

  • http://mitchmacready.blogspot.com/ Zombie-Killa

    Going by the trailers and TV spots, you could tell this would be an awful film. Myabe it’ll please the teenie booper crowd, but I’m not surprised so many people are slamming it.

  • GothicGuido

    Twilight is horrible but I can almost let it be because it basically made it’s own (horrible) vampire lore. The problem with this, is it takes existing ideas and applies the twilight formula to it. Hopefully “The Strain” will kill the teen vampires genre for good.

  • dirtyghettok

    See, this is a teen movie, not for the experienced horror movie enthusiast. If you’re to blind to see from the previews that this is a Twilight styled film, then maybe horror isn’t your thing. Try, I don’t know, Knocked Up.. that one shocked me on how bad it still sucks to this day. But for anyone who see’s this anyways, Dr. Dirty prescribes you 30 views of the brilliant film Martyrs,, Stat!!

  • woodchuck

    everything said in this review is exactly what I figured from seeing the trailer, someone needs to make a real vampire movie again, one where the vamps are fucking evil and viscous like 30 Days of Night or Stakeland

  • Amaranthine

    I think teenagers these days should see what real vampyres would be like then this thing. I have to admit using the name Saint Vladimir (from the beautiful king Vlad(imir) Tepes aka Dracul/Dracula) is very nice but the entire concept seems really childish. Prefer to see Anne Rice over this any day. At least Anne knew how to make vampyres into something worth knowing. Stephanie Meyer and this author of these series that the movie is “supposedly” based off of need some knowledge in vampyre culture.

  • EvilHead1981

    I think reviews of these kinds of movies are welcome, because even to the layman of horror, at least they are a big, glaring neon sign revealing this crap for what it is. Really don’t care of this teenage horror drama(teeny bopper horror lite) gets stamped out completely, though. Never been into teen drama, even when I was a teen myself I found it extremely vapid. It’s kinda like a parody of what teens SHOULD like, as you see on sitcoms or such(when they make fun of teenagers as being stupid and liking stupid things). At that age, I just thought I was above all that.

  • maxseed

    obvious crap.

  • http://7daysageek.net ★The UNCANNY Oz★™

    And who didn’t see THAT coming? Great review!

  • Joker Girl

    The book is interestin,g, a story about slut shaming. A pity it didn’t work out