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[Review] ‘Vampire Academy’ Is a Tedious and Lame School to Attend

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Vampire Academy Peacock

Half Harry Potter, half “2 Broke Girls”, Dan Waters’ big-screen adaptation of Vampire Academy is a tedium of heavy exposition, tired pop culture humor, and some of the lamest vampires ever (one guy looks like a cross between Blade and Kevin Smith). It’s actually ironic that the movie takes a jab at Twilight, considering it may be an even worse movie.

The movie opens with a ten-minute purge of exposition explaining the three types of vampires, the rules, and how the two main characters are connected. Once the runaway duo (played by Zoey Dutch and Lucy Fry) are apprehended, they’re taken back to St. Vladimir’s Academy where they’re now outcasts. There, the class of teen vamps zing each other as they move from snooze-inducing scene after scene, pointlessly taking the viewer deeper and deeper into the lame traditions of the school. In a world that has Facebook and hashtags (and even malls), these vampires insist on living in the past for unknown reasons and doing things in a ridiculous and asinine way (the way they dress and act are completely void of any realism). The difference between this fantasy world and the one in Harry Potter is that Potter is FUN. Vampire Academy is just awful.

Even worse, by the time the conflict is introduced (and everything is over-explained, again), the movie already feels like it’s been on for an eternity. You’ll be begging to get out of the theater and into the sunlight.

On a weekend where you have a choice between two very bad movies, Vampire Academy and Nurse 3D, you should make the strong effort to at least see one that’s enjoyable – the sleazy, fun and cheesy Nurse 3D. At the very least, you’ll want to skip out of Vampire Academy – any kind of punishment you’ll get is better than this school.

Horror movie fanatic who co-founded Bloody Disgusting in 2001. Producer on Southbound, V/H/S/2/3/94, SiREN, Under the Bed, and A Horrible Way to Die. Chicago-based. Horror, pizza and basketball connoisseur. Taco Bell daily. Franchise favs: Hellraiser, Child's Play, A Nightmare on Elm Street, Halloween, Scream and Friday the 13th. Horror 365 days a year.

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SCREAMBOX Investigates UFOs and Extraterrestrials: Several Documentaries Streaming Right Now!

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As someone who is obsessed with UFOS (or more recently known as UAPs) and the concept of extraterrestrials, I love a good documentary. Sightings have been on the rise since the 1940s, with the atomic bomb seemingly acting as a catalyst for new visitors. But what are these UFOs/UAPs? Is there an explanation or are they simply beyond our explanation? Why are they here? Who are they? How much do our governments know? The questions are endless and so are the documentaries that attempt to uncover the secrets behind decades of sightings and alleged confrontations.

Whether you’re a seasoned viewer or new to the rabbit hole, there’s always a handful of interesting documentaries to get your neurons firing and leave you with sleepless nights. SCREAMBOX is investigating with the addition of several docs, all streaming now on the Bloody Disgusting-powered service. Here’s the breakdown:

Aliens (2021): Beam into this unidentified streaming documentary for a glimpse into Extraterrestrial life. Aliens are hypothetical life forms that may occur outside Earth or that did not originate on Earth.

Aliens Uncovered: Origins (2021): Before Area 51, hidden deep in the desert, the military discovered a hidden gem that helped them create Project Bluebook.

Aliens Uncovered: ET or Man-Made (2022): The crash of Roswell wasn’t meant for New Mexico. In 1947, a neighboring state had 3 major sightings that were swept under the rug.

Aliens Uncovered: The Golden Record (2023): In the late 70s, the US government launched a message to our distant neighbors.

Roswell (2021): This high-flying documentary examines the July 1947 crash of a United States Army Air Forces balloon at a ranch near Roswell, New Mexico. Theories claim the crash was actually that of a flying saucer, but what is the truth?

Also check out:

The British UFO Files (2004): Since the 1940’s the British Government has been investigating the Flying Saucer phenomenon. High-ranking military and government personnel, speak out for the first time, offering unique eyewitness accounts and inside information.

Alien Abductions and Paranormal Sightings (2016): Amazing Footage and stories from real people as they reveal their personal encounters of being abducted by Aliens.

And do not miss Hellier (2019): A crew of paranormal researchers find themselves in a dying coal town, where a series of strange coincidences lead them to a decades-old mystery.

These documentaries join SCREAMBOX’s growing library of unique horror content, including Onyx the Fortuitous and the Talisman of Souls, Here for Blood, Terrifier 2, RoboDoc: The Creation of RoboCop, Hollywood Dreams & Nightmares: The Robert Englund Story, The Outwaters, Living with Chucky, Project Wolf Hunting, and Pennywise: The Story of IT.

Start screaming now with SCREAMBOX on iOS, Android, Apple TV, Prime Video, Roku, YouTube TV, Samsung, Comcast, Cox, and Screambox.com.

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