Half Harry Potter, half “2 Broke Girls”, Dan Waters’ Vampire Academy is a tedium of heavy exposition, tired pop culture humor and some of the lamest vampires ever (one guy looks like a cross between Blade and Kevin Smith). It’s actually ironic that the movie takes a jab at Twilight, considering it may be even be worse than that abomination.
The movie opens with a ten minute purge of exposition explaining the three types of vampires, the rules, and how the two main characters are connected. Once the runaway duo (played by Zoey Dutch and Lucy Fry) are apprehended, they’re taken back to St. Vladimir’s Academy where they’re now outcasts. There, the class of teen vamps zing each other as they move from snooze-inducing scene after scene, pointlessly taking the viewer deeper and deeper into the lame traditions of the school. In a world that has Facebook and hashtags (and even malls), these vampires insist on living in the past for unknown reasons and doing things in a ridiculous and asinine way (the way they dress and act are completely void of any realism). The difference between this fantasy world and the one in Harry Potter is that Potter is FUN. Vampire Academy is just awful.
Even worse, by the time the conflict is introduced (and everything is over-explained, again), the movie already feels like it’s been on for an eternity. You’ll be begging to get out of the theater and into the sunlight.
On a weekend where you have a choice between two very bad movies, Vampire Academy and Nurse 3D, you should make the strong effort to at least see one that’s enjoyable – the sleazy, fun and cheesy Nurse 3D. At the very least, you’ll want to skip out of Vampire Academy – any kind of punishment you’ll get is better than this school.
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