No matter where you hide, they will find you. What at first glance looks like a deliciously cheesy tagline for an indie horror flick is actually a common feature in horror films. Look back at every horror film you’ve ever watched and you’ll notice it. The half-naked chick hides in a closet, under a bed, inside a hollowed out cow, and the killer always finds her. They can see you, that’s why.

Confused? Let me massage the doubt from your mind. My only proof of this, besides the killers that actually are telekinetic, is the abundance of tripping found in horror films. This is obviously a cleverly hidden skill found in many horror icons so we won’t know of their ability to place objects in our path. This is really the only reason I can think of as to what could cause all the tripping in horror films. Either these people are excruciatingly uncoordinated or the killer chasing them is throwing shit in their way to slow them down.

In case you weren’t aware, Chimpanzees are strong, and the ones who ride the short bus are infinitely stronger. You can see evidence of this in almost every horror film; they can decapitate and sometimes even bisect people with a single swipe of their knife and lift impossibly heavy objects (Michael Myers flipped a fucking car in Rob Zombie’s Halloween 2!)

Sequel after sequel, death after death and these persistent bastards keep coming back. Why? Because they have many lives. Sometimes the bad guy can die more than one time in a single film. I’m not entirely sure how this compares to the realm of superheroes since I can’t think of any that have multiple lives so I’ll leave that clarification up to the Uber Nerds.

I saw that. You just cocked your head like I just told you that Santa is, in fact, real and wants to have your babies. I should clarify this comparison to mules because comparing killers to tiny horses might seem a little strange. What I meant was they’re like scary, bloodthirsty mules, and with the exception of an elite few, have no sense of humor. If any mules are reading this and find that hurtful, please don’t get angry. I’m not mule racist, it’s just that out of all the mules I’ve met none have laughed at my jokes so, naturally, I’ve decided none of them have a sense of humor (because everyone laughs at my jokes. Everyone.)

But I digress, so let’s get to the point of this comparison. What I meant, before I demeaned the entire mule race, was that the serial killers we’ve come to know and love have the endurance of a mule. This mule-like trait (God, how many times have I said mule in this paragraph?) is the only reason a fat man wearing a mask and apron can wield a chainsaw while chasing multitudes of screaming people through several films.

Notice how they walk towards their desperately fleeting prey and still manage to catch up at the last second? That’s because of the super speed, my friend. They deceive us into thinking they’re slow, or possibly that they are just asthmatic, so we underestimate their agility. Just when the seeds of confidence have been sewn they strike out from the darkness and scare the living hell out of everyone.

Despite several of these guys weighing more than the average person they can come up behind you without anyone noticing the giant machete-wielding dude. But that’s not the only time they employ this technique: sometimes they even vanish into thin air as you’re staring right at them.

Again, the connection between heroes and killers is weak here but I really wanted to say ’12 Abilities’ because ’11 Abilities’ just doesn’t have that pizzazz, you know? Anyways, while most of these dudes favor the sharpened blade approach when they do their killing, sometimes you just can’t find a suitable kitchen utensil. This is when these guys use the environment to their advantage by drowning, crushing, choking, or coming up with other, more clever ways to kill.

Scary thought, right? Well, stop thinking because they can read your fucking mind! If they don’t have x-ray vision or the ability to turn invisible how else would they know where you are? Duh. They’re telepathic. This is the only way they could possibly know where you are, where you’re going, what scares you, and what you did last Summer. Alright, maybe not that last one, but it’s still the only explanation.

Ever notice how they can get punched, drowned, kicked, stabbed, shot, set on fire, blown up, crushed, or maimed and still keep coming at you as if they felt nothing? That’s because they probably didn’t. Were they born with Congenital Analgia or are they simply the spawn of Satan and therefore, are impervious to pain? You decide.

Very few, well only one that I can think of, has this ability: the Creeper from the Jeeper’s Creepers films. You know you’re royally fucked when you’re being chased by a serial killer who has the ability to swoop down and kill you from above. Or better yet, he doesn’t even have to get close, he can just throw one of his demon themed ninja stars and kill you from a mile away.

The scariest enemy of all is one who can outsmart you. You may have observed they’re uncanny ability to take out hordes of horny teens without breaking a sweat. That’s because of some serious strategizing (and the aforementioned qualities can’t hurt). They also realize that you’ll be a lot easier, and hell of a lot more entertaining to kill when you’re shitting your pants with fear and that’s why they like to hide your friend’s carcasses around the area like a messed up Easter Egg hunt to really fuck with your mind. The newer killers, for example the ones without a pedigree like Jason, Myers, and Freddy, are able to enjoy messing with us even more by manipulating everyone to think the killer is among them. When you don’t trust anyone, you tend to separate, making you easier to pick off one by one.

Now that you’ve finished reading this inspiring bundle of wisdom and bad grammar, why don’t you head on over to the comments section and let me know how much you disagree.