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12 Bloody Days of Christmas: Day 8 ‘Top 10 Potential Holiday Weapons’

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Why is it that Christmas is littered with sharp, inventive and downright dangerous decorations? I can think of a million different ways for a serial killer to murder someone with a string of lights alone. Add in some candles, a couple of broken bulbs, and even Hanukkah’s Star of David and there could be some serious bloodshed during the days leading up to December 25th. On the eighth day of Christmas, Bloody-Disgusting gave to me – “Top 10 Potential Holiday Weapons.”

Day 1: Creepy Christmas Traditions
Day 2: Christmas Characters Gone Wrong
Day 3: Horrifying Holiday Decorations
Day 4: Twisted Yuletide Tales
Day 5: The Nightmare Before Christmas
Day 6: Creepy Christmas Movies
Day 7: Terrifying Toys
Day 8: Top 10 Potential Holiday Weapons
Day 9: Horror’s New Year’s Resolutions
Day 10: Top Picks for the New Year
Day 11: Ghosts of Christmas
Day 12: Happy Horror Holidays

Day 8: Top 10 Potential Holiday Weapons
10. BARGAIN HUNTERS

Laugh. Go on, I know you want to. Black Friday may be the start of the holiday shopping season, but it’s also a retailer’s worst nightmare. The financial benefits may be the lone perk out of this day of excess. Not only do cashiers, stock boys and merchandisers have to deal with attitude-prone shoppers, there’s also the fact that people have physically harmed others. This year, in Maryland, a woman was actually choked over a digital camera. I kid you not. Not to mention the poor guy that died at Wal*Mart a couple of years back. Talk about killer bargains.

9. STARS

Stars are weapons with or without the holidays. Sharp, pointed, large- they have the potential to be a really awesome murder weapon in a future horror flick.

8. REINDEER

First, they have out of control horns. Those things are gigantic, not to mention sharp. They could easily rival a star. But what’s scary about a reindeer is that they’re an animal; unpredictable, wild. Just ask this reporter- though this clip could be mistaken for a rape, not an attack.

7. FRUITCAKE

If it’s anything like the fruitcake my mother used to have around the house at Christmas, you could easily throw that thing through a window. Or bash in someone’s skull.

6. SNOWMEN

Snowmen can be pretty dangerous. Not only can they be taken over by the demonic soul of a serial killer, but you can easily turn them into an awesome distraction in a bloody to the death snowball fight!

5. CANDLES

Fire can easily ruin anything- houses, skin, cars. Christmas is full of candles…

4. MISTLETOE

Some varieties of mistletoe are actually poisonous. If your roommate reminds you of Norman Bates, I’d make sure that green thing is still hanging above the door and not sunk somewhere in your teacup.

3. CANDY CANES

Looking at a candy cane, I’m sure a serial killer or your average psycho could easily come up with some interesting ways to turn it into a weapon. Sharpening the ends, using those life-sized yard decorations to his advantage; the possibilities are endless.

2. BROKEN ORNAMENTS

This struck me as an awesome weapon because of Home Alone. Imagine how horrendous that must feel to step on broken ornaments backed by a hardwood floor. Actually, now that I think about it, just about everything in Home Alone could count as an awesome holiday weapon.

1. CHRISTMAS LIGHTS

Directly, indirectly, whichever way you hang it, CHRISTMAS LIGHTS are, by far, the most dangerous Christmas decoration around. I’ve heard of everything from hanging deaths, to falling deaths, to electrocution. It’s no joke- those cool light displays can literally take the life out of you.

(I’d also give it the number one spot on my top ten list of ways to prank your neighbor at Christmas, if such a list existed.)

Don’t forget to show your love for Andrea by visiting her blog: The Albin Way

Editorials

Not Another ‘Scary Movie’: Revisiting Forgotten Parody ‘Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday the 13th’

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Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday the 13th

After Scream (1996) made a killing at the box office, as well as won over critics and audiences, a lot of folks in the movie biz thought they could do the same thing (and yield similar results). That thing, of course, being a slasher. Most of these opportunists wound up being pretty straightforward; they were low on humor or commentary. Yet others, like Scary Movie (2000), saw the potential for spoofing Scream, and acted on that impulse with both haste and excitement.

A few months after the Wayans’ comedy first hit theaters, Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday the 13th landed on the USA Network, as part of the channel’s “Shriek Week” programming. That straight-to-cable (then home video) destination is possibly why many people still don’t know about this one. Or they simply chose to forget. Whatever the reason, only one of these two horror parodies came out on top—and it’s certainly not the movie where Coolio channeled Prince, and Tom Arnold saved the day.

Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday the 13th previously went by the name of I Know What You Screamed Last Semester. That Trimark acquisition then settled on a wordier title, just so it could avoid the litigious wrath of Miramax Films. Folks may or may not remember that Columbia Pictures was sued over the “implied connection” between I Know What You Did Last Summer (1997) and Scream. So, yeah, there was no way that this competing Scream parody wasn’t going to be kept on a tight rein.

A Heavy Reliance on Late ’90s TV References

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Simon Rex, Julie Benz, Majandra Delfino, Harley Cross, Danny Strong, Tom Arnold and Tiffani-Amber Thiesen in Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday the 13th.

Naturally, there would be similarities between Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday the 13th and Scary Movie—their scripts are built on the backs of the same two movies. It goes without saying that the other big slasher of the 1990s, I Know What You Did Last Summer, was as much of a target as Scream. However,the film pads itself with more TV references than Scary Movie did.

Half the cast coming off of (and in some cases, returning to) a WB show could be a reason why. Dawson’s Creek is particularly zeroed in on, based on how there’s a central character namedDawson Deery, and how the teen drama’s teacher-student affair plotline is satirized to the nth degree. As if there weren’t enough nods to television, Baywatch, VH1’s Pop Up Video, and even those cheesy Mentos commercials all serve as joke prompts.

Shriek director John Blanchard and writers Sue Bailey and Joe Nelms all hailed from television, so it’s understandable that they would stick close to home. The movie’s humor in general makes more sense, in light of learning that Blanchard worked on SCTV, Kids in the Hall, and MADtv. The writers, on the other hand, were each fairly green, with Bailey being the most experienced of the two; she wrote and produced the game show BattleBots. Nevertheless, they, plus Blanchard, churned out a passable, joke-a-minute movie. The whole thing is staggeringly of its time, but no one here was aiming for longevity.

Having seen enough of these kinds of movies, we know to expect jokes of the low-hanging fruit variety. That’s the parody’s whole prime directive. From the characters having names likeScrew FrombehindandDoughy Primesuspect, to stereotyping that feels taboo nowadays, this is a movie from a different era of comedy. Its coarse, corny, and unapologetic sense of humor won’t sit well with everyone in these more enlightened times. In which case, Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday the 13th can be treated as a time capsule.

Does Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday the 13th Humor Still Hold Up Today?

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“You may already be a victim”—Someone receives a most peculiar threatening piece of mail in Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday the 13th.

Although Shriek doesn’t live up to its own claims of being so funny that you’ll die of laughter, its bawdier parts could still lead to some nervous laughter. For instance, after this movie’s parallel to Drew Barrymore’s Scream character is done in—not by the killer but by a bug zapper—the movie throws a newspaper next to the victim’s fresh corpse. The headline?Popular slut killed! Football team mourns.

We then move on to the wacky and inappropriate goings-on at Bulimia Falls High School, home of the Hurlers. At this nexus of constant absurdity, indecency, and surrealism, students are seen fornicating on the lawn, cheerleading squad applicants are advised to be comfortable with partial nudity, and terrorists openly prepare for an anthrax attack. It can be a tad jarring to watch, especially if you didn’t grow up witnessing this style of comedy firsthand. Hell, even if you did, you may still have awhat the hell were they thinking?reaction.

It’s not just the aggressively edgy humor here that can make you chuckle—the slapstick, the sight gags, and the ribaldry all have a decent chance of landing. The movie’s own villain, whose hockey mask was instantly transformed into a crudely Ghostface-esque one after coming in contact with an open flame, commits more cheap laughs than kills. His and his victims’ chase sequences, most of which are cartoonish in nature, left this writer grinning. The Scooby-Doo fan in me also totally ate up that clever unmasking joke.

Final Thoughts on This Forgotten Horror Parody

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Shriek If You Know What Did Last Friday the 13th

Now, the jury is still out on whether these comedies are to blame for the death of the first slasher revival. There is more to consider than some parodies. At the very least, the likes of Scary Movie didn’t exactly encourage big studios to put their money on a trend that was being derided to death (and not as profitable as the spoofs). These sorts of movies also felt unnecessary at the time, given how their principal inspiration is already a deconstruction of the genre. But like anything else that quickly becomes popular, mockery is unavoidable.

Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday the 13th is indeed a movie nobody asked for, much less needed. As a sample of pre-millennium humor and cultural attitudes, it’s not always precise. But as I’ve laid out, your mileage may vary. Horror parodies typically don’t have the best track record, so managing one’s own expectations here is recommended.

Upon rewatching, I for one laughed a bit more than I did back then. Only this time, I responded to the jokes that my younger self didn’t notice or find all that amusing. So it just goes to show that the movies don’t change—we do.

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Harley Cross and Majandra Delfino must unmask the killer a number of times in Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday the 13th before learning their true identity.

 

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