Editorials
5 Signs You Are Being Possessed By the Devil!!
I don’t know much about the Devil in the traditional sense. I haven’t been to Catholic school, I don’t think I’ve been baptized or confirmed. I’m, at my most optimistic, an agnostic. But I do believe in being possessed by The Devil. I’ll explain why in a second.
Tangentially, I also believe in The Devil’s Due, which is now available on DigitalHD (it hits Blu-ray on April 29th). You can read my review here. I dig the directors, Radio Silence, and I particularly like how the last act of the film builds on the gory promise they showed in V/H/S. So, while this is indeed a sponsored tie-in with that film, it’s a film I’m more than happy to support.
I don’t necessarily know exact how accurate my assessments are, but let’s have at it!
Head below for 5 Signs You Are Being Possessed By The Devil!!
1: You Let A Shady Cab Driver Take You To A Satanic Ritual
Let’s say you’re an otherwise smart, upper middle-class couple with a decent head on your shoulders. You’ve just gotten married. The world is at your fingertips. Letting a cab driver take you to a shady club in a foreign country, even if its for free, is pretty dumb. There must be some demonic force already at work to make you do such a thing.
2: You Crave Raw Meat
I eat a lot of meat. I’m trying to eat less, but it’s hard when I’ve just found all of these new BBQ restaurants in my neighborhood. That being said, eating raw meat – especially when pregnant – is a bad move, even to this heavily carnivorous writer. Is the Devil even a demon? I’m pretty sure he is. Though I’m even more sure that eating raw meat while pregnant is not in that Dr. Spock book. Thank God we can afford that book now.
3: You’re Telekinetic
While telekinesis isn’t always a sign of being possessed by the Devil, here it is because this is a movie about demonic cults, Devil worshippers and kids that, more likely than not, will grow up to be fairly familiar with Satan himself. If I was telekinetic I would use it to print money somehow.
4: You Punch Out The Windows Of Inconsiderate Drivers
I hate it when cars almost hit me. I hate it even more when they DO hit me. And if they hit my pregnant wife, I’d lost my sh*t. Unless my pregnant wife was possessed by the Devil or something and could practically disassemble the car with her bare hands. Luckily I’ve just ensured that all of our bills are paid and I can cover the deductible on the insurance!
5: You Make Your Priest Have A Stroke
Let’s face it. Strokes are common. But so are priests so no worries! Still, making one almost bleed out in front of a bunch of little kids isn’t very ladylike. In fact, it’s Devil-like. I’d say you’re possessed by the Devil in this case. Either that or you are *very* hot. But again, all your bases are covered for the month so send your husband over there with some expensive roses to get the real skinny on your condition.
From child-eating witches to village-burning dragons, fairy tales have always had a foot in the horror genre. That’s why it makes sense that, for every The Hobbit and The Chronicles of Narnia, there are also darker and more adult-oriented stories about magical worlds inhabited by ravenous monsters and cruel villains.
Funnily enough, these sinister tales were precisely the ones that I gravitated towards back when I was a kid, and I was reminded of this while watching Netflix’s recently released I Am Frankelda, Mexico’s first ever feature-length stop-motion animation and one hell of an entertaining parable about the intersection between fiction and reality.
In honor of this special kind of horror-adjacent fairy tale, today I’d like to share this list recommending six Dark Fantasy films that horror fans might enjoy.
For the purposes of this list, we’ll be defining Dark Fantasy as fantastical stories that don’t shy away from the more macabre elements that fuel classic fairy tales. That being said, don’t forget to comment below with your own grim favorites if you think we missed a particularly thrilling one.
With that out of the way, onto the list!
6. Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013)
I’m fascinated by bizarre attempts at blockbuster filmmaking – especially when the resulting movies are somehow still fun despite their corporate-mandated origins. Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters is precisely one of these strangely compelling studio projects, as this surprisingly successful action-thriller boasts a lot of heart (and tongue-in-cheek humor) for a CGI-heavy creature feature.
Directed by Dead Snow’s Tommy Wirkola, Witch Hunters re-frames the classic fairy tale as an origin story for a duo of badass monster-slayers. Of course, it’s the flick’s anachronistic aesthetic and overall visual flair that make it stand out from other action-horror endeavors from around the same time.
5. The Wolf House (2018)
Made in the tradition of faux cursed films in the same vein as Antrum: The Deadliest Film Ever Made, the eerie backstory to 2018’s Chilean animated flick The Wolf House (La Casa Lobo in the original Spanish) already makes it a nightmarish experience before the flick even really begins.
After all, the movie is presented to us as a faux propaganda film produced by the leader of a death cult (heavily inspired by the real life Colonia Dignidad), with this hybrid animated feature using complex movie magic to simulate a single uninterrupted shot as it tells the story of a lazy young girl who runs away from an isolated colony and encounters a creepy old house in the woods.
4. The Brothers Grimm (2005)
Out of all the Monty Python alumni, Terry Gilliam has had the most interesting career outside of the original comedy group. From fascinating canceled projects (such as his scrapped adaptation of Watchmen) to dystopian parodies that feel more relevant by the minute (1985’s Brazil), even his “lesser” films are still intriguing in their own way.
2005’s The Brothers Grimm is one such project, with this peculiar movie attempting to combine the comedian-turned-filmmaker’s unique visual style with a more blockbuster-oriented plot reimagining the titular brothers as con-artists rather than mere writers. The end result isn’t exactly a masterpiece, but it’s still a legitimately fun ride with plenty of memorable monsters and wonderful performances by both the late, great Heath Ledger and Matt Damon.
3. Dante’s Inferno: An Animated Epic (2010)
2010’s Dante’s Inferno game may have a reputation as something of an unapologetic God of War clone, but I’d argue that the now-obscure game was aesthetically unique enough to deserve a bigger fanbase. However, while the title remains trapped on the seventh console generation, its highly underrated anime adaptation is a lot easier to get a hold of!
Animated by 6 different studios in order to make the 9 circles of hell feel unique from each other, this may not be a completely faithful adaptation of Dante Alighieri’s poem, but it’s still one heck of a great (not to mention gory) time that I’d highly recommend to fans of Netflix’s take on Castlevania.
2. Underworld: Rise of the Lycans (2009)
My personal favorite entry in the Underworld franchise, Rise of the Lycans, is a highly ambitious prequel that actually works better if you haven’t had the story spoiled to you by the previous Underworld films.
While the rest of the series features plenty of urban fantasy elements as the movies combine machine guns and modern environments with gothic storytelling, Patrick Tatopoulos’ prequel fully embraces its fantastical origins and tells a classic tale about a doomed romance between a werewolf and a vampire amid a medieval uprising.
And the best part is that we get a lot more Michael Sheen as the fan-favorite Lucian.
1. Solomon Kane (2011)
One of my personal favorite movies on this list, MJ Basset’s criminally underseen adaptation of Robert E. Howard’s other iconic warrior is thoroughly steeped in horror ambience and features plenty of memorable monsters. However, it’s also a classic origin story for a swashbuckling hero that wouldn’t feel out of place in a tabletop RPG.
While I’ve already written about how the film deftly combines both horror and fantasy elements without breaking the bank, I’ll never pass up an opportunity to recommend the bizarre movie where James Purefoy expertly plays a puritan John Wick.
It’s just too bad that we never got the other films in this intended trilogy.
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