Adam from Pawtucket, RI asks: I’m worried that my girlfriend isn’t being completely honest with me. What do I do?
Wait, YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?!? What the hell are you complaining about? She won’t be honest?!? I’ll tell you what to do… go find her at her place of work, steal her, take her back to your studio apartment and get busy. Then ask “How was it?” and THEN see if honesty is what you want! Next question. Did I do this right?
Susie from Los Angeles, CA asks: When it comes to relationships, I know that I have a lot to offer. How do I find more confidence in myself?
Well, believe it or not, before I was internet famous I also struggled with my confidence with the ladies. Being green has its moments, but it can lead to a life depression, binge drinking and even chronic explosive diarrhea. Actually, that kind of sounds fun! Eh… ANYWHO! People always say “Just be yourself”, well buy that person the new John Mayer album and punch them in the neck. Being yourself is the worst!!! I highly recommend being a famous person and/or rockstar. They get ALL the babes.
Brad from Chicago, IL asks: I feel like I’m being smothered in my relationship. What can I do to get more freedom?
Freedom? First off, this ain’t America! Wait, is it? Crap. OK. Let me read this question again… Oh this is an easy one!!! Tell your girlfriend to find me on Tinder and I will happily be smothered whenever she wants. You can have all the freedom you want and I will have all the (fill in your girlfriends name) I want! Win/win pal!