Quantcast
Connect with us

Editorials

Anti-Valentine’s Day: 5 Horror Movies That Will Make You Swear Off Romance

Published

on

Antichrist

Another year, and with it another Valentine’s Day, a commercial holiday dedicated to love. Or rather, a holiday that markets spending a lot of money on flowers, chocolate, and prix fixe dinners to show you care. Luckily horror isn’t interested in saccharine feelings and romantic tradition. When it comes to love, horror often conveys how petrifying romance can really be. The sting of unrequited love, the pain of betrayal, and the despair of lost love are downright brutal and bloody in horror. But if even the idea of romance, no matter how gory or twisted, still induces eye-rolling, then these horror movies are the perfect antidote. Devoid of romance altogether, these movies offer up the ugliest aspects of relationships, or sometimes they just leave you feeling so repulsed romance will never even cross your mind. Either way, these 5 horror movies are perfect for an Anti-Valentine’s viewing and will have you swearing off romance.


Rosemary’s Baby

Rosemary Woodhouse’s husband Guy seems like a doting fellow interested in making his wife happy. He lands them a nice apartment in the Bramford apartment building in New York City, and sends her over the moon with the suggestion that they have a baby together. Their night of passion turns into a hallucinogenic nightmare for Rosemary, who wakes up to find scratches all over her body. Guy simply shrugs it off, and explains her unconscious state wasn’t going to get in the way of potential conception. What? That alone would be enough of a red flag, but throughout the film he continues to gaslight her until the horrifying truth is revealed – he sold out his wife’s womb to the devil for a chance at a successful acting career. Guy Woodhouse is the worst, and Rosemary’s Baby shatters any image you may have of idyllic marriages.


Basket Case

The perfect antidote to the romcom, Frank Henenlotter’s Basket Case is a comedic yet scary slice of low budget horror. Duane Bradley carries around a large, locked wicker basket in New York City, which contains his deformed Siamese twin Belial. The brothers are seeking revenge against the doctors that separated them against their will, but the only problem is that Duane might have also found love. The rage-filled Belial is having none of it, though, and his resentment toward his normal-looking brother grows. This is especially bad news for Sharon, the nurse that Duane has gotten involved with. Dating is scary stuff in general, but especially so if the seemingly sweet person your dating is carrying around their homicidal sibling in a basket. Sometimes dating isn’t worth it.


Teeth

Teeth may be a horror comedy, but it successfully induces anxiety on all levels. For teen Dawn, she’s a firm believer in abstinence with a major crush on fellow Christian abstinence group member Toby. When Toby gets way too aggressive in his reciprocation of her feelings, to the point of physical violence and assault, Dawn discovers she has a vagina dentata – her lady bits have one vicious defense mechanism. Toby’s penis is severed and he’s left for dead, but that’s only the beginning of Dawn’s troubles with sexually aggressive men. Navigating burgeoning teen sexuality and unwanted sexual advances has never had such, well, vicious bite.


Gerald’s Game

Jessie and her husband Gerald are looking to rekindle their marriage via isolated cabin getaway, a pair handcuffs, and a rape fantasy. It doesn’t take long at all before the scenario becomes too uncomfortable for Jessie, who pleads with her husband to free her from the handcuffs locked on to the bedframe. Gerald isn’t happy with her refusal to play along, and winds up dying from a heart attack mid-argument.  With no one around for miles to save her, Jessie faces starvation, dehydration, inner demons from her past, and much, much worse. So, Gerald’s Game serves as a reminder that romance eventually fades, and that perhaps it’s best to start small when trying to spice up your love life.


Antichrist

Where to even begin with Lars von Trier’s experimental horror film on tragedy, nature, and inherent evil? At the center of this hallucinatory descent into madness is a couple attempting to revive their troubled marriage after the tragic death of their toddler. Because this is a von Trier film, it’s never quite that simple and clear cut. Genital mutilation, sexual violence, self-disemboweling foxes, and ever-looming dread and darkness ensues as von Trier seems to plead a case for the evil nature of womanhood. It’s graphic, often cringe-worthy, and an absolute journey into despair. Few cinematic depictions of struggling marriages will have your stomach in knots quite like this one. Chaos reigns.

Horror journalist, RT Top Critic, and Critics Choice Association member. Has appeared on PBS series' Monstrum, served on the SXSW Midnighter shorts jury, and moderated horror panels for WonderCon, SeriesFest, and Popcorn Frights Film Fest.

Click to comment

Editorials

Tales from ‘Tales from the Crypt’: Exhuming Season Six’s “Only Skin Deep” Episode

Published

on

tales from the crypt only skin deep
Sherrie Rose as Molly and Peter Onorati as Carl in "Only Skin Deep".

The penultimate season of Tales from the Crypt (1989–1996) aired its first three episodes on October 31, so it’s understandable that at least one of those three stories is set on Halloween.

Sandwiched between “Let the Punishment Fit the Crime” (Russell Mulcahy, Ron Finley) and “Whirlpool” (Mick Garris, A. L. Katz & Gilbert Adler) is the most severe episode of the bunch. Maybe the entire series? William Malone and Dick Beebe’s “Only Skin Deep” traded the show’s typical sense of fun for startling amounts of bleakness and kink.

“Only Skin Deep” is, apart from the Crypt Keeper’s intro and outro, noticeably unfunny. There are no considerable attempts at making the viewer laugh. Come to think of it, if those bookends had been replaced, and there was more of a sci-fi element in the story, HBO could have easily squeezed this tale into that successor anthology, Perversions of Science (1997). In Crypt, though, “Only Skin Deep” is much too grim for an audience that had become accustomed to campiness and levity.

What makes “Only Skin Deep” feel dark, among other things, is its protagonist. Showing up to a Halloween party where he’s not welcome, and where his former girlfriend (Diane DiLasco) is attending, Carl Schlag (Peter Onorati) first comes across as your standard bitter ex. You soon realize it’s much worse than that, once Carl threatens Linda (“You know, silly me, thinking I gave you what you deserved. If I’d have done that, I’d have killed you”). Now, I haven’t forgotten that Tales from the Crypt was teeming with vile men who did women harm. Yet Carl’s brand of misogynistic menace hits differently—it borders on being too realistic for this kind of series.

tales from the crypt

Mike Vosburg’s EC-style comic cover for “Only Skin Deep”, as seen in the Tales from the Crypt episode.

Despite donning a party mask for much of the episode, Carl can’t ever mask his true nature. The invitation did saycome as you are, after all. That inability to change and be better, however, is why Carl ends up in such a karmic predicament. His outburst of anger at the party attracts the attention of one loner partygoer named Molly (Sherrie Rose, who was also in Season Four’sOn a Deadman’s Chest). Her bone-white, featurelessmaskand body-bag costume don’t initially register as too strange, especially on a night like this. But at a party chock-full of colorful, cartoonish, and lighthearted ensembles, it does look out of place.

Darkness attracts darkness as Carl ditches the party and accompanies the mysterious Molly to her place. Which, by the way, should have been an immediate red flag. But perhaps she’s so hot, he doesn’t seem to mind the serial killer aesthetic. Resembling a warehouse that has been converted into living spaces, but never then decorated to remove the cold, industrial look, Molly’s home (or lair) is as gloomy as this whole episode feels. It’s like the set of a grungy music video, albeit a tad cleaner. The environments in a typical Crypt episode tend to be small, overfilled, and broken-in. Warm, regardless of any weird goings-on. All that empty space in Molly’s hovel, on the other hand, elicits a creepy feeling that Carl was unwise to ignore.

Tales from the Crypt featured more sex than it didn’t, but hands down,Only Skin Deepboasts the steamiest scene in the show’s history. Pushing it over the line, in addition to Onorati showing bare buns and the camera never turning down one of his pelvic thrusts, is the twisted dirty talk. Carl stays in the moment, whereas Molly unleashes charged lines likethe hurt, the anger, give it to meandtake it out on my flesh like you want to. It’s all quite kinky, as well as tied into the story’s theme of pain.

How elseOnly Skin Deepdiffers from other episodes is its twists. Or rather, its lack thereof. Nothing comes as a great surprise here, particularly because the deuteragonist’s ulterior motives are so obvious. By no means is Molly a wolf in sheep’s clothing; her face is a fright mask, she practically reeks of death, and she lives in what can best be described as a serial killer’s hideout. That last-act revelation of Molly’s mask really being her face is also nothing shocking. Cleverness is certainly not this episode’s strength.

tales from the crypt

A page from “…Only Skin Deep!”, as seen in EC Comics’ Tales from the Crypt.

WhileOnly Skin Deepisn’t the most universally loved episode of Tales from the Crypt, it’s an interesting preview of William Malone’s future as a director. Most notably, he went on to helm House on Haunted Hill (1999) and FeardotCom (2002), the former of which was co-written by Dick Beebe, this episode’s writer. Dark Castle Entertainment, that genre house founded by Crypt producers Joel Silver, Robert Zemeckis, and Gilbert Adler, was instrumental in bringing out Malone’s gruesome, over-the-top vision in House on Haunted Hill. However, FeardotCom and Malone’s Masters of Horror episode,Fair-Haired Child, are the most stylistically compatible withOnly Skin Deep.

As one might guess, this episode is nothing like its source material. TheOnly Skin Deep!found in the pages of EC Comics is set during Mardi Gras in New Orleans, and save for its last couple of pages, is pretty sweet in nature. There, a man named Herbert is enamored with a woman he met five years prior to the present-day story. Every year, he has come down to Mardi Gras to see Suzanne, who’s always dressed as a hag-faced witch. Well, this time, Herbert plans on popping the question and marrying someone who is, for the most part, a total stranger. Suzanne accepts his proposal, but with one condition: they stay in costume until they’re officially hitched. You can probably see where this is going

Once they are married, Suzanne remains incognito, even when she and Herbert have consummated their vows. A semi-predictive nightmare then rattles Herbert; he dreamt that Suzanne’s real face was as wizened as her mask. Finally, in his haste to find out the truth, Herbert winds up killing his new wife. Faceless and well on her way to bleeding out, the dying Suzanne manages to say she never wore a mask.

For more traditional EC-style ghastliness, your best bet is reading the comic. It’s wickedly sad. For something less conventional, as far as Tales from the Crypt goes, the role-reversing adaptation is worth watching. It’s not the best this show had to offer, although Malone’s visual style, plus the sexual abandon, does set the episode apart. If nothing else,Only Skin Deepleaves an impression that, even years later, shows no signs of fading.

Season Six of Tales from the Crypt can be streamed on Shudder, starting on June 5.


Tales from Tales from the Crypt celebrates the show’s Shudder premiere by singling out one episode from each season. So don’t even think about changing that dial, boys and ghouls. More spot-“frights” are to come.

tales from the crypt

Carl discovers Molly’s collection of human ‘masks’ in the Tales from the Crypt episode, “Only Skin Deep”.

Continue Reading