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Love Sick: 8 of Horror’s Most Twisted and Repulsive Romances

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romantic horror dead alive

Sick of love? Consider this the Anti-Valentine’s Day round-up of horror movies guaranteed to put you off romance for a while. The lovesick characters featured here push well past healthy boundaries into squeamish and taboo-breaking territory.

The polar opposite of relationship goals, these eight movies offer some of the most twisted and diseased explorations of “love” you’ll ever find within the horror genre.

Happy Valentine’s Day…


SLiTHER

Starla and Grant monster in Slither

Grant and Starla’s relatively happy marriage ended when an extraterrestrial parasite found its way into Grant’s body, taking over. As Grant helped spread the parasite across town, creating an army of mutated residents, he clung to his love of Starla. So much so that he, now an amorphous creature, builds a nest and attempts to seduce his wife. While there’s a charmingly pure sentiment buried underneath the grotesque thing that Grant has become, it’s played for maximum gross-out laughs. Nothing like a slimy, slug-like entity to dissolve a marriage.


Crimson Peak

Lucille and Thomas in Crimson Peak

When Edith married Thomas, she knew that meant relocating to a dilapidated mansion far from home. She didn’t realize that the place is filled with the ghosts of Thomas and his sister’s past victims or that the siblings’ relationship isn’t normal or healthy. Edith finds herself piecing together the family’s history as she becomes the next target, leading to some icky revelations about her new husband. While Crimson Peak is far from the first horror, or horror adjacent, movie to feature incest, it’s more covertly buried within a gorgeous Gothic romance that builds to an unhinged finale.


Bite

Bug woman holds romantic rival hostage in cocoon in BITE

Love triangles are tired, but love triangles with gross-out body horror is a different story. Before her wedding, Casey enjoys a bachelorette trip with her best friends in Costa Rica. Worried about her pending nuptials, she doesn’t pay any attention to a strange bug bite. Once home, however, that bug bite causes bizarre body changes. As she transforms into an insect-like creature with murderous impulses, it coincides with reveals about her friendships and fiancé that lead to a gruesome implosion of Casey’s life as she once knew it. It’s a love triangle nestled in a nest of bug eggs and body horror.


Dead Alive

Dead Alive, aka Braindead, may be centered around Lionel and Paquita’s love story, but a secondary love story threatens to steal the spotlight. After Father “I kick ass for the Lord” McGruder succumbs to a zombie bite and gets locked away in Lionel’s basement with other zombies, he finds undead love with Nurse McTavish. Attraction leads to gnawed faces in a moment of heightened passion, which leads to zombie copulation. Their love bore fruit in the form of one rambunctious zombie baby. Undead mom and dad prove to be better lovers than parents. Leave it to Peter Jackson to go full throttle on the splatstick romance, covering every possible angle.


The Skin I Live In

The Skin I Live In

Dr. Robert Lesgard is a renowned surgeon working on break-through synthetic skin. He’s also obsessed with his test subject, a woman named Vera, that he keeps locked in a room. Vera looks a lot like his deceased wife, Gal, which only fuels his fixation. The more his obsession grows, the more he’s haunted by memories of his daughter, who committed suicide after a long tenure at a mental facility post-sexual assault by a man named Vincente. Robert’s fixation appears to be of the unhealthy romantic sort until the connection between Vera and Vincente becomes disturbingly clear. Romance proves to be a guise for an even darker tale of skin-crawling revenge.


Beyond the Darkness

Beyond the Darkness

Anna dies from a mysterious illness that, unbeknownst to her fiancé Frank, is a voodoo curse placed on her by Frank’s jealous housekeeper Iris. So beside himself with grief, Frank decides to taxidermize her to keep her with him forever. It’s gory and gross, as expected by director Joe D’Amato (of Video Nasty Anthropophagus fame), and only gets weirder as the story progresses. There’s unsettling erotic breastfeeding, hacked up victims are dissolved in acid baths, and Frank even gets a little cannibalistic when victims don’t appreciate Anna’s preserved body. Sometimes losing the one you love can drive you insane, but Frank takes it to a whole new, twisted level.


Meatball Machine

From the special effects artist, Yoshihiro Nishimura, who handled the insane gore effects from Tokyo Gore Police and The Machine Girl, this wacky Japanese sci-fi splatter film centers around the love story between Yoji and Sachiko. Yoji is a shy factory worker with an unrequited crush on co-worker Sachiko. When he discovers Sachiko being sexually assaulted by another co-worker, his attempt to save her ends in dismal failure, but it’s the effort that counts, and she ends up going home with him. But Yoji’s been hiding a strange alien insect in his apartment, and the thing merges with Sachiko, turning her into a bio-mechanical monster. When Yoji is also infected, the two would-be lovers are forced to fight to the death. Yoji and Sachiko’s star-crossed love story delivers over the top ridiculous gore, violence, and sensory overload.


Deadgirl

As controversial as it is disconcerting, Deadgirl removes any semblance of a protagonist here as its two leads descend into increasing depravity. High school seniors Rickie and J.T. cut class one day and decide to explore an abandoned facility, where they find a naked woman chained to a table in the basement. J.T. wastes no time taking advantage and deduces she’s unable to die after attempting to murder her three times. From there, he proceeds to defile and assault her in every way, even bringing in a new pal to join in; and Rickie struggles with the morality of the acts while pining away for his long-time crush, Joann. As Rickie’s attempts to woo Joann grow less noble and more dangerous, well, don’t expect a happy ending for anyone. Deadgirl is an unpleasant and confrontational watch, and that’s by design.

Horror journalist, RT Top Critic, and Critics Choice Association member. Co-Host of the Bloody Disgusting Podcast. Has appeared on PBS series' Monstrum, served on the SXSW Midnighter shorts jury, and moderated horror panels for WonderCon and SeriesFest.

Editorials

‘A Haunted House’ and the Death of the Horror Spoof Movie

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Due to a complex series of anthropological mishaps, the Wayans Brothers are a huge deal in Brazil. Around these parts, White Chicks is considered a national treasure by a lot of people, so it stands to reason that Brazilian audiences would continue to accompany the Wayans’ comedic output long after North America had stopped taking them seriously as comedic titans.

This is the only reason why I originally watched Michael Tiddes and Marlon Wayans’ 2013 horror spoof A Haunted House – appropriately known as “Paranormal Inactivity” in South America – despite having abandoned this kind of movie shortly after the excellent Scary Movie 3. However, to my complete and utter amazement, I found myself mostly enjoying this unhinged parody of Found Footage films almost as much as the iconic spoofs that spear-headed the genre during the 2000s. And with Paramount having recently announced a reboot of the Scary Movie franchise, I think this is the perfect time to revisit the divisive humor of A Haunted House and maybe figure out why this kind of film hasn’t been popular in a long time.

Before we had memes and internet personalities to make fun of movie tropes for free on the internet, parody movies had been entertaining audiences with meta-humor since the very dawn of cinema. And since the genre attracted large audiences without the need for a serious budget, it made sense for studios to encourage parodies of their own productions – which is precisely what happened with Miramax when they commissioned a parody of the Scream franchise, the original Scary Movie.

The unprecedented success of the spoof (especially overseas) led to a series of sequels, spin-offs and rip-offs that came along throughout the 2000s. While some of these were still quite funny (I have a soft spot for 2008’s Superhero Movie), they ended up flooding the market much like the Guitar Hero games that plagued video game stores during that same timeframe.

You could really confuse someone by editing this scene into Paranormal Activity.

Of course, that didn’t stop Tiddes and Marlon Wayans from wanting to make another spoof meant to lampoon a sub-genre that had been mostly overlooked by the Scary Movie series – namely the second wave of Found Footage films inspired by Paranormal Activity. Wayans actually had an easier time than usual funding the picture due to the project’s Found Footage presentation, with the format allowing for a lower budget without compromising box office appeal.

In the finished film, we’re presented with supposedly real footage recovered from the home of Malcom Johnson (Wayans). The recordings themselves depict a series of unexplainable events that begin to plague his home when Kisha Davis (Essence Atkins) decides to move in, with the couple slowly realizing that the difficulties of a shared life are no match for demonic shenanigans.

In practice, this means that viewers are subjected to a series of familiar scares subverted by wacky hijinks, with the flick featuring everything from a humorous recreation of the iconic fan-camera from Paranormal Activity 3 to bizarre dance numbers replacing Katy’s late-night trances from Oren Peli’s original movie.

Your enjoyment of these antics will obviously depend on how accepting you are of Wayans’ patented brand of crass comedy. From advanced potty humor to some exaggerated racial commentary – including a clever moment where Malcom actually attempts to move out of the titular haunted house because he’s not white enough to deal with the haunting – it’s not all that surprising that the flick wound up with a 10% rating on Rotten Tomatoes despite making a killing at the box office.

However, while this isn’t my preferred kind of humor, I think the inherent limitations of Found Footage ended up curtailing the usual excesses present in this kind of parody, with the filmmakers being forced to focus on character-based comedy and a smaller scale story. This is why I mostly appreciate the love-hate rapport between Kisha and Malcom even if it wouldn’t translate to a healthy relationship in real life.

Of course, the jokes themselves can also be pretty entertaining on their own, with cartoony gags like the ghost getting high with the protagonists (complete with smoke-filled invisible lungs) and a series of silly The Exorcist homages towards the end of the movie. The major issue here is that these legitimately funny and genre-specific jokes are often accompanied by repetitive attempts at low-brow humor that you could find in any other cheap comedy.

Not a good idea.

Not only are some of these painfully drawn out “jokes” incredibly unfunny, but they can also be remarkably offensive in some cases. There are some pretty insensitive allusions to sexual assault here, as well as a collection of secondary characters defined by negative racial stereotypes (even though I chuckled heartily when the Latina maid was revealed to have been faking her poor English the entire time).

Cinephiles often claim that increasingly sloppy writing led to audiences giving up on spoof movies, but the fact is that many of the more beloved examples of the genre contain some of the same issues as later films like A Haunted House – it’s just that we as an audience have (mostly) grown up and are now demanding more from our comedy. However, this isn’t the case everywhere, as – much like the Elves from Lord of the Rings – spoof movies never really died, they simply diminished.

A Haunted House made so much money that they immediately started working on a second one that released the following year (to even worse reviews), and the same team would later collaborate once again on yet another spoof, 50 Shades of Black. This kind of film clearly still exists and still makes a lot of money (especially here in Brazil), they just don’t have the same cultural impact that they used to in a pre-social-media-humor world.

At the end of the day, A Haunted House is no comedic masterpiece, failing to live up to the laugh-out-loud thrills of films like Scary Movie 3, but it’s also not the trainwreck that most critics made it out to be back in 2013. Comedy is extremely subjective, and while the raunchy humor behind this flick definitely isn’t for everyone, I still think that this satirical romp is mostly harmless fun that might entertain Found Footage fans that don’t take themselves too seriously.

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