The last time we did a casting call, for the Platinum Dunes remake of A Nightmare on Elm Street, rumors of our choices being approached for real (Jackie Earl Haley) actually started brewing on the web. While we didn’t start the rumors, we’re glad to see our choices got somebody going. We can only hope for half as much free press as we take a crack at another remake of an `80s horror classic, Hellraiser. The remake currently being scripted by Pascal Laugier (Martyrs) and Clive Barker recently told us Laugier plans to turn a draft in over the next week. Casting won’t be far behind, so just in case they need a hand, here’s who we’d pick.

Michael Shannon

You might not know the name, but one viewing of BUG or REVOLUTIONARY ROAD should have you convinced. Shannon is a terrific actor and there aren’t many others who can pull of his level of fearsome intensity more convincingly. Just watch some of Shannon’s work and then picture his piercing eyes as he stares into your soul and warns, “No tears, please. It’s a waste of good suffering.”

alternate: Hugo Weaving

Linda Fiorentino

Kevin Smith broke the news that the reason Fiorentino is so good at playing a bitch is because she has natural abilities in that area. Nevertheless, there’s nothing wrong with typecasting if it works. Fiorentino is the perfect wicked witch, although she’s kind of gone off the radar for the past decade so we might want to see how she’s kept herself up before deciding for sure.

alternate: Lauren Graham

Megan Fox

Is there really any part the ridiculously sexy Megan Fox is wrong for? Yeah, she might not be the greatest actress out there, but its not like Ashley Laurence was a master thespian by any means. Just skim down the original wardrobe as much as possible, bath Fox in blood and let us enjoy.

alternate: Mary Elizabeth Winstead

Dominic West

Yes, West was a bit over the top as Jigsaw in PUNISHER: WAR ZONE. But dial that performance down a bit and take a look at his extraordinary work on THE WIRE. PUNISHER proves West is willing to do genre material, so a role like this might not be such a long shot.

alternate: Joaquin Phoenix

Bill Pullman

Anyone who’s seen an episode of BIG LOVE knows Pullman could make a great choice for Frank. He plays the family man well and can easily bring on the crazy when the time comes for Frank to dress up in his skin.

alternate: Bill Paxton

Danny DeVito

Who else could possibly play Butterball as well as the original butterball of acting, Danny DeVito? The production could save a ton on cosmetics and he might look even scarier than the original.

alternate: Slimer

Samantha Morton

She looked pretty good as a baldy in MINORITY REPORT. Plus, she’s got some undeniable acting chops that would give Laugier the chance to expand this scant role from the original.

alternate: Scarlett Johansson

Matthew Lillard

Okay, this one is probably going to be an actor caked in a ton of makeup and prosthetics (see Doug Jones below), but its fun to think who might be cast if they were actually looking for an actor to actually fit the original look a bit. I can’t remember the last thing I saw Lillard in (and probably don’t want to) so what the heck, give the guy a job!

alternate: Doug Jones