Movies
10 Strange Things You’d Better Not Eat or Drink!
Admit it, foodies, deep inside there’s a tiny little part of you that loves to feast on these random lists of horror classics just as much as a ravenous zombie loves to feast on the bloody intestines of a freshly butchered human being… so why dontcha just open up your hungry mouths and take a huge bite out of this totally nonobjective (but hopefully all the more entertaining) list of strange and weird substances you’d better not eat or drink under any circumstances at all… bon appetite!
10 Strange Things You’d Better Not Eat or Drink!
Honestly guys, can you think of a lamer way to kick of such a list than starting it with an entry that hardly anything can be said about at all!? Well, at least I can’t… but I’d like to stick to it anyway, cause after all SUPERNATURAL is still one of the coolest horror/mystery shows out there and being a total fan of the Winchester boys, it just wouldn’t feel right to me to leave `em outta here for good. On the other hand, it would feel just as wrong to me to spoil one of the show’s major angles for all those of you who haven’t seen it yet and hence I will neither go into detail on the whole demon blood thingie nor will I give you any cool pics that would reveal too much… all I’m gonna say is this: demon blood is a very bad son-of-a-bitch and when push comes to shove you really wouldn’t wanna have that sucker running through your curcuits at all!
Here’s the million dollar question: Imagine you’re a little kid and you gotta witness firsthand how a gang of devil-worshipping hippies rape your sister, drug your grandpa and spread fear and havoc in your town just for kicks `n fun. What would you do to pay those bastards back? Yeah, you’re right, there’s only on way to give `em what they deserve and that’s what little Pete did in David E. Durston’s exploitation classic I DRINK YOUR BLOOD from 1970… he extracted the diseased blood of a rabid dog, infused it in the meat pies in his mommy’s baker shop and sold `em to the rowdies dirt cheap… with consequences he’d never even dreamed of!
If you’re a white guy, you don’t have to worry at all and can drink as much Anaconda Malt Liquor as you want. But if you’re black, you’d better stay as far away as possible from this devilish liquid! Unless, of course, you’re eager to see your boa constrictor turn into a slow-worm within just a couple of hours… dammit, those sly `n sleazy republicans really outdid themselves this time when it comes to setting up a truely fiendish conspiracy. Thanks God there’s still one highly explosive muthafucka out there who’s got the muscles, the guts and the will to put an end to their evil doings and make sure not a single bottle of Anaconda Malt Liquor will ever get sold on this planet again. Can you dig it, sucka?
Just in case you ever decide to spend your holidays in a peculiar little town called Nilbog, there’s really only one advice you gotta keep in mind. No matter how yummy they might look, never–under any circumstances–eat any of the viciously green things the locals are going to offer you for dinner… or you’ll end up as slimey, vegan-based Troll food faster than you can say “My dad will cut off your little nuts and eat them!”
If you play by the rules and don’t upsaid any witches, warlocks and ghosties, Halloween’s one helluva night of fun and excitement… however, if you’re a grumbly brat who doesn’t dress up, smashes pumpkins and steals candy, it’s gonna be slightly less enjoyable. Especially if the candybars you’ve stolen are poisoned and the fountain of vomit, that’s about to erupt from your mouth after you’ve eaten them, is the least thing you gotta worry about, cause the real nightmare is only about to start after you’ve passed out…
C’mon! If there’s anything you should have learned from the bible, it’s never ever to taste a forbidden fruit, no matter how delicious it may look! Well, at least in the bible all that Eve got for her faux-pas was getting kicked out of paradise for good, which is a rather mild punishment compared to what little Ophelia had to endure after she ate a forbidden grape in Guillermo Del Toro’s surreal fright’n’fantasy epic PAN’S LABYRINTH… cause all of a sudden the poor girl had a creepy, fairy-eating fiend with eyes in his hands hard on your heels and God knows what that creature would have done to her if he had gotten her into his spikey fingers!?
Fried chicken is awesome! But only if the restaurant that sells it hasn’t been build on an ancient Tromahawk indian graveyard. Cause in that case the restless spirits of the deceased natives might think it’s a good idea to haunt the place and curse the food in such a way that whoever eats it will turn into a blood-thristy chicken zombie faster than he can say “Cock-A-Doodle-Doo!” And if there’s one thing everybody and his mother knows about chicken zombies, it’s that they are really unpleasant fellas through and through who noone really likes around at all!
If there’s one thing you should have learned from watching TROLL 2, it’s never ever to eat anything green. Well, if only the film had been made three years ealier, then SLIME CITY’s charming protagonist Alex could have watched it and maybe he would have said no when his shady neighbour Roman sealed his fate once and for all by offering him a yummy cup of suspiciously greenish himalayan yogurt, a weird substance whose secret ingredient is the ectoplasm of a crazy cult leader who commited suicide years ago and who now takes possession of Alex’ body step by step and turns him into an unsightly slimefreak with a constant urge to kill… believe me, unless you’re a really crazy bastard, you definitely don’t want this to happen to you at all!
Yeah, I know, strictly speaking INDIANA JONES AND THE LAST CRUSADE is as far from being a horror movie than it can get, but who cares. Cause at the end of the day, good ol’ Indy is still one of the coolest characters to ever crack the whip at the silverscreen, so I hope you’re not gonna be too mad at me for including this legendary scene from his third cinematic adventure here in this list as well. And let’s face it, what can be more frightening then taking a sip of water from a not-so-holy fake-grail and, instead of becoming immortal, turning age-old within just a matter of seconds… guess in such a case all that can still be said is “You chose poor…”
If there’s one thing that every horror fan knows to avoid like the plague and keep out of their mouths at any cost, it’s a devilish brew called Viper. Honestly fellas, don’t let the “one buck a bottle” offer fool you cause once you’ve taken a single sip of this hellish liquid, you can kiss your ass goodbye in the most cruel and horrible ways imaginable… your belly might inflate til you explode, your whole body might melt til nothing but a puddle of molten flesh is left or your burning skin might peel right off of your skull. Noone can say exactly what would happen to you if you’d pour some Viper down your throat, the only thing that’s for sure is that it’s gonna get pretty damn messy and that you wouldn’t like the outcome one single bit! So the next time you wanna get hammered, chose whatever hootch you can lay your hands on… just make sure it ain’t some goddam Viper!
In this day and age, the word “troll” is often used to describe various online nuisances. Yet as abundant and irksome as the modern troll can be, they aren’t usually as fearsome as their mythological counterparts. I’m not talking about the small and gentler versions that have become more common to see in media. No, there are much bigger and scarier trolls out there—and André Øvredal’s movie Troll Hunter is one of the best places to find them.
It doesn’t take long for Troll Hunter (or Trolljegeren) to dump the Blair Witch Project-esque setup and aim for something a lot fresher. The trajectory of the story is augmented by Otto Jespersen’s character Hans, the titular Troll Hunter. The second he comes barreling out of the deep, dark woods and shouts “troll” at the camera, this movie takes a turn into what feels like uncharted territory. Not only subject-wise, but also conceptually.
For fantastical and made-up subject matter in cinema, found footage is a fast way to add a guise of believability. After all, what we accept to be the most crucial aspect of documentaries—the truth—rubs off on pseudo-documentaries, despite our understanding of the pretense involved. That is what Øvredal delivered with Troll Hunter: a movie so convincing that some viewers wondered if trolls really do exist. So, had this been straightforwardly made, it likely wouldn’t have been as effective. Conventional narratives would be more inclined to treat something like trolls as flat out unreal, and never try to convince the audience to think otherwise.
Hans petrifies the three-headed Tusseladd troll.
The viewers, like the characters trailing Hans, are quickly thrown into the deeper end of that extraordinary story. They have to process all this new information while staying on the go. So, although there is no significant amount of meandering, narratively or physically, there is still a good amount of atmosphere, not to mention tension building. It’s never anything frightful, but then again, Troll Hunter isn’t your standard offering of horror; it’s more on the low end of the dark fantasy spectrum. We aren’t ever spirited away to a faraway world—we stay in rather familiar surroundings, as well as dip into those less so. The outcome is a movie where you’re constantly more in awe than in terror.
As fantasy fiction might do, Troll Hunter prefers not to deal with incredulity. There is no time to waste on doubt, as interviewer Thomas (Glenn Erland Tosterud), soundperson Johanna (Johanna Mørck), and cameraman Kalle (Tomas Alf Larsen) all follow Hans around, recording whatever this character is willing to reveal about his bizarre job. Of course, the Troll Hunter himself is not an open book; in that respect, the diegetic documentary fails to fully capture and unpack the more interesting of its two subjects. Yes, all those giant, monstrous trolls are indeed incredible, but understandably, your mind wanders to their pursuer. What kind of person signs up for this gig and then chooses to stick with it for so long?
Reviews have called out Troll Hunter for its lack of character development. In regard to Thomas and his fellow documentarians, that criticism is valid, but bear in mind, they aren’t the focus of the story, either. Meanwhile, Hans is a well-crafted character. At least better than first realized. Before he was introduced, Hans had already grown tired of the troll grind. Fed up with that low compensation for his services, resentful of the bureaucracy, and wanting to expose his employer on a large scale, Hans’ discontent is glaring.
Then there are those finer details about the Troll Hunter, such as that indifference to both the natural splendor of his everyday surroundings and the affections of an obviously smitten colleague, that also suggest some level of despondency. So it is fair to say this movie doesn’t feature any sizable growth for its characters; however, the namesake isn’t underwritten. No doubt, putting a real-life character like Otto Jespersen in that role is partly why Hans is so fascinating—maybe even relatable.
Otto Jespersen as Hans the Troll Hunter.
There is always a small risk whenever using the term “mockumentary” to describe a found-footage movie, as the word could imply humor where there is none. In the case of Troll Hunter, the term’s usage is appropriate. Some folks have claimed the English-dubbed version has the more comedic tone, however, the Norwegian cut isn’t exactly humorless. Apart from the trolls’ absurd appearances, this is a movie where the characters nearly choke on the monsters’ farts, and Christians are like walking targets. Hans’ complete apathy towards everything is another cause of laughter. Overall, the comedy is intentionally dry and inconsistent. Unfunny, though? Absolutely not.
In a movie where endemic creatures are maltreated, as well as disavowed from living freely and peacefully, it’s hard not to notice the ecological message buried beneath the story. In addition to that is the unmistakable political satire. There is this whole business about intrusive and unsightly power lines—like trolls, they’re big blemishes on the land—that leads to what is perhaps the movie’s funniest moment. The scene in question is that one where certain electric lines, the ones secretly being used to keep the trolls at bay, go in a loop and don’t actually send power to any residents. Yet the monitors of said lines don’t find this at all weird. So it stands to reason that Øvredal was having a go at those who accept the government’s doings without question.
Looking past the fact that trolls aren’t actually real, this movie is an enlightening source of information. And not just for international audiences; Norwegians, too, get schooled about their homeland’s own mythology. It’s also evident from everything on screen that Øvredal and his crew were enthusiastic about the topic. The creature designs are the most indicative of that zeal; those imaginative yet myth-accurate manifestations are equally amusing and grotesque. One second you’re laughing at their phallic noses, the next you’re white-knuckling during a hairy sequence. Most surprisingly is how well the trolls’ visual effects hold up after fifteen years. It’s not all spotless, but on the whole, they remain impressive.
Vouching for a mockumentary about trolls isn’t easy, but those who do come around and give it a shot will more than likely be grateful for the recommendation. For Troll Hunter is a real find in that vast and varied genre we call “found footage“.
A bridge troll reaches up for food and finds Hans decked out in armor.
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