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5 Romantic Comedy Characters That Should Have Died!

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Have you ever found yourself watching a film and wishing that someone would just come along and kill a particular character? I mean, you don’t want them strapped to the Hostel chair or anything, but maybe just a quick Jason or Michael Myers style dispatching to quickly neutralize whatever annoying personality is currently exasperating you?

I decided to think back to 5 rom-coms that could have used an extra kill here and there. I should note that I actually love these movies – and I know that actually killing a character off would throw their whole structure and tone out of whack, ruining the entire movie – but d*mn if I don’t want to see some of these folks killed onscreen.

Head inside to see who should die! And how they should die!

OVERBOARDThe Proffitt Kids

The kids. Yes, all four of the Proffitt children. The fact that they’re the sons of Kurt Russell’s Dean Proffitt doesn’t even make me stop to think twice about this. I love Overboard, and I’m sure the movie wouldn’t work without them, but they’re totally an argument against Goldie Hawn’s decision as Joanna Stayton to stay with the family. The Proffitt kids are unrelentingly terrible. They’re loud, obnoxious and look like they stay up all night farting just for the hell of it. I’m thinking you could quickly drop in the triple header paintball kill from Jason Lives – add an extra neck – and solve a whole lot of problems. Or maybe just toss them off the boat at the end? I dunno, I just want Goldie and Kurt to enjoy their wealth in peace and this seems like the easiest and most sustainable fix.

How? As stated above, one clean machete chop could take care of all four of these little monsters with minimal impact on the film’s running time.

NOTTING HILLHoney (Will’s sister)

Dear Honey,

What the f*ck are you thinking? There’s a reason we don’t hang out much, and this is it. You’re always scaring off my girlfriends. Things have been rough since the divorce, I own a failing bookshop and live with Spike so you know my prospects are low. I need a break and what happens when I finally get one? With Anna f*cking Scott of all people!? You go and “be yourself” all over the place! I can barely get laid, so when I bring home the world’s biggest movie star do me a favor and follow at least a few normal social cues, okay? I mean, you followed her into the f*cking bathroom and told her you could be soul mates! On night one!! I hope Spike strangles you in your sleep.

Love,

Will

How? I don’t think Spike should actually strangle her in her sleep. Maybe a dream sequence where Freddy turns her into an ostrich and plucks her?

CRAZY, STUPID, LOVEEveryone except Jessica (Analeigh Tipton)

Remember when I said I liked all of the movies on this list? I guess that was a lie. While Crazy, Stupid, Love is utterly watchable, I have to fault it for the fact that not one character in this film even remotely behaves like a human being. Cal (Steve Carell)? I can abide a certain amount of a wounded inability to confront those who treat you poorly, but this is just egregious. Jacob (Ryan Gosling)? You want Cal to reclaim his manhood by going on a shopping spree at the mall?! That’s like a 16 sided die of weird, convoluted messages. Emily (Julianne Moore)? You don’t get to cheat and then play the “you ruined our marriage” card. Robbie (Jonah Bobo)? Precocious advice was outlawed after (500) Days Of Summer and is now punishable by death. Jessica doesn’t really act much like a human either, but at least she’s a decent human being portrayed with a good degree of charm by Tipton.

How? Easy. Lock all of these people in a house and employ a home invasion/slasher scenario. They all make impossibly stupid choices anyway, so escape is unlikely.

This one lives. She can be our survivor girl.

BROADCAST NEWSTom Grunich

Not only is William Hurt’s Tom Grunich impossibly handsome and correspondingly vacant, but he’s able to abscond with Holly Hunter’s Jane, who is way too good for him. He’s not just interfering with Aaron’s (Albert Brooks) love life, he’s also interfering with the very idea of an informed electorate. He’s the hot dude who steals your girlfriend and precipitates the downfall of western society. It’s because of guys like Grunich, along with audiences who love to watch instead of listen, who have permanently destroyed the role of the News Anchor in our society. Way to go, Tom.

How? Leave him alone in a room full of sharp objects. Nature will take its course.

KNOCKED UPJodi

I love Knocked Up, and while I know it’s cool to wish ill upon Katherine Heigl’s character, she actually works for me in the movie (this movie, I can’t vouch for many of her other choices). But Jodi (Charlyne Yi), can you imagine what it would be like having her around the house all day? Go ahead and try, because that’s what pops into my mind when she shows up onscreen. I imagine her following me around, asking me questions in that weird “am I stoned or am I ‘touched'” voice all day. I kind of think she’s a casualty of that summer’s ongoing “dirty man contest”. If only Martin could have shaved that beard, maybe he could have met someone that didn’t grate so harshly.

How? Michael Myers. He doesn’t even have to stab her, he could just give her the silent treatment and rob her of the hipster validation she requires to live.

Editorials

‘Immaculate’ – A Companion Watch Guide to the Religious Horror Movie and Its Cinematic Influences

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The Devils - Immaculate companion guide
Pictured: 'The Devils' 1971

The religious horror movie Immaculate, starring Sydney Sweeney and directed by Michael Mohan, wears its horror influences on its sleeves. NEON’s new horror movie is now available on Digital and PVOD, making it easier to catch up with the buzzy title. If you’ve already seen Immaculate, this companion watch guide highlights horror movies to pair with it.

Sweeney stars in Immaculate as Cecilia, a woman of devout faith who is offered a fulfilling new role at an illustrious Italian convent. Cecilia’s warm welcome to the picture-perfect Italian countryside gets derailed soon enough when she discovers she’s become pregnant and realizes the convent harbors disturbing secrets.

From Will Bates’ gothic score to the filming locations and even shot compositions, Immaculate owes a lot to its cinematic influences. Mohan pulls from more than just religious horror, though. While Immaculate pays tribute to the classics, the horror movie surprises for the way it leans so heavily into Italian horror and New French Extremity. Let’s dig into many of the film’s most prominent horror influences with a companion watch guide.

Warning: Immaculate spoilers ahead.


Rosemary’s Baby

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The mother of all pregnancy horror movies introduces Rosemary Woodhouse (Mia Farrow), an eager-to-please housewife who’s supportive of her husband, Guy, and thrilled he landed them a spot in the coveted Bramford apartment building. Guy proposes a romantic evening, which gives way to a hallucinogenic nightmare scenario that leaves Rosemary confused and pregnant. Rosemary’s suspicions and paranoia mount as she’s gaslit by everyone around her, all attempting to distract her from her deeply abnormal pregnancy. While Cecilia follows a similar emotional journey to Rosemary, from the confusion over her baby’s conception to being gaslit by those who claim to have her best interests in mind, Immaculate inverts the iconic final frame of Rosemary’s Baby to great effect.


The Exorcist

Dick Smith makeup The Exorcist

William Friedkin’s horror classic shook audiences to their core upon release in the ’70s, largely for its shocking imagery. A grim battle over faith is waged between demon Pazuzu and priests Damien Karras (Jason Miller) and Lankester Merrin (Max von Sydow). The battleground happens to be a 12-year-old, Regan MacNeil (Linda Blair), whose possessed form commits blasphemy often, including violently masturbating with a crucifix. Yet Friedkin captures the horrifying events with stunning cinematography; the emotional complexity and shot composition lend elegance to a film that counterbalances the horror. That balance between transgressive imagery and artful form permeates Immaculate as well.


Suspiria

Suspiria

Jessica Harper stars as Suzy Bannion, an American newcomer at a prestigious dance academy in Germany who uncovers a supernatural conspiracy amid a series of grisly murders. It’s a dance academy so disciplined in its art form that its students and faculty live their full time, spending nearly every waking hour there, including built-in meals and scheduled bedtimes. Like Suzy Bannion, Cecilia is a novitiate committed to learning her chosen trade, so much so that she travels to a foreign country to continue her training. Also, like Suzy, Cecilia quickly realizes the pristine façade of her new setting belies sinister secrets that mean her harm. 


What Have You Done to Solange?

What Have You Done to Solange

This 1972 Italian horror film follows a college professor who gets embroiled in a bizarre series of murders when his mistress, a student, witnesses one taking place. The professor starts his own investigation to discover what happened to the young woman, Solange. Sex, murder, and religion course through this Giallo’s veins, which features I Spit on Your Grave’s Camille Keaton as Solange. Immaculate director Michael Mohan revealed to The Wrap that he emulated director Massimo Dallamano’s techniques, particularly in a key scene that sees Cecilia alone in a crowded room of male superiors, all interrogating her on her immaculate status.


The Red Queen Kills Seven Times

The Red Queen Kills Seven Times

In this Giallo, two sisters inherit their family’s castle that’s also cursed. When a dark-haired, red-robed woman begins killing people around them, the sisters begin to wonder if the castle’s mysterious curse has resurfaced. Director Emilio Miraglia infuses his Giallo with vibrant style, with the titular Red Queen instantly eye-catching in design. While the killer’s design and use of red no doubt played an influential role in some of Immaculate’s nightmare imagery, its biggest inspiration in Mohan’s film is its score. Immaculate pays tribute to The Red Queen Kills Seven Times through specific music cues.


The Vanishing

The Vanishing

Rex’s life is irrevocably changed when the love of his life is abducted from a rest stop. Three years later, he begins receiving letters from his girlfriend’s abductor. Director George Sluizer infuses his simple premise with bone-chilling dread and psychological terror as the kidnapper toys with Red. It builds to a harrowing finale you won’t forget; and neither did Mohan, who cited The Vanishing as an influence on Immaculate. Likely for its surprise closing moments, but mostly for the way Sluizer filmed from inside a coffin. 


The Other Hell

The Other Hell

This nunsploitation film begins where Immaculate ends: in the catacombs of a convent that leads to an underground laboratory. The Other Hell sees a priest investigating the seemingly paranormal activity surrounding the convent as possessed nuns get violent toward others. But is this a case of the Devil or simply nuns run amok? Immaculate opts to ground its horrors in reality, where The Other Hell leans into the supernatural, but the surprise lab setting beneath the holy grounds evokes the same sense of blasphemous shock. 


Inside

Inside 2007

During Immaculate‘s freakout climax, Cecilia sets the underground lab on fire with Father Sal Tedeschi (Álvaro Morte) locked inside. He manages to escape, though badly burned, and chases Cecilia through the catacombs. When Father Tedeschi catches Cecilia, he attempts to cut her baby out of her womb, and the stark imagery instantly calls Alexandre Bustillo and Julien Maury’s seminal French horror movie to mind. Like Tedeschi, Inside’s La Femme (Béatrice Dalle) will stop at nothing to get the baby, badly burned and all. 


Burial Ground

Burial Ground creepy kid

At first glance, this Italian zombie movie bears little resemblance to Immaculate. The plot sees an eclectic group forced to band together against a wave of undead, offering no shortage of zombie gore and wild character quirks. What connects them is the setting; both employed the Villa Parisi as a filming location. The Villa Parisi happens to be a prominent filming spot for Italian horror; also pair the new horror movie with Mario Bava’s A Bay of Blood or Blood for Dracula for additional boundary-pushing horror titles shot at the Villa Parisi.


The Devils

The Devils 1971 religious horror

The Devils was always intended to be incendiary. Horror, at its most depraved and sadistic, tends to make casual viewers uncomfortable. Ken Russell’s 1971 epic takes it to a whole new squeamish level with its nightmarish visuals steeped in some historical accuracy. There are the horror classics, like The Exorcist, and there are definitive transgressive horror cult classics. The Devils falls squarely in the latter, and Russell’s fearlessness in exploring taboos and wielding unholy imagery inspired Mohan’s approach to the escalating horror in Immaculate

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