Today’s Entry:
Beautiful Creatures (Dir. Richard LaGravenese)

Introduction:
What do you expect? We’re all out of Twilight, and we’re all out of Harry Potter. It was only a matter of time before someone shoved them both together into one big ripoff.

The Setup:
Beautiful Creatures may seem bit familiar to you, but bear with me. According to this trailer, the film is about a girl named Billa who lives among a family of magicians who also look like models/Justin Bieber backup dancers.

Actually, they prefer to call themselves “Casters.” It’s unclear what all “Casters” can do with their magic. We see them push people around and create black smoke ribbons, but that’s about it. Non-“Casters” are called Maggles. The plot appears to kick off when Billa falls in love with a Maggle. He looks appropriately handsome and vacant.

For reasons I can’t quite figure out, when a “Caster” reaches maturity, they have to choose between becoming arbitrarily good or arbitrarily evil. For reasons I can’t quite figure out, being arbitrarily evil means you have golden eyeballs. And for reasons I can’t quite figure out, Billa is potentially a strong enough “Caster” that the fate of the world depends on her decision.

The Problem:

Since Billa is so important and also because she is in love with a handsome stud, something has to come along and ruin everything. And that something comes in this film’s one stroke of original ridiculousness: Southern Emma Thompson. With a bizarre drawl, Sir Emma Thompson appears to win Billa’s soul for the evil side using nothing but cliche-ridden conversations with her father,iCarlisle (Slumming Jeremy Irons). Southern Emma Thompson has a plan not unlike Steven Dorff’s gambit in Blade: Being obviously superior to Maggles, it only makes sense that “Casters” rise up and enslave this inferior race. She only needs Billa to make it happen. For reasons I can’t really figure out.

I think Billa might have two older sisters — one good and one evil. There seems to be some drama between them as we see them have a scream fight on opposite sides of a spinning dinner table. While I can’t be sure who wins that fight, I can confirm that we all lose.

This whole turning evil thing is automatically a no-go for Billa because her boyfriend is a Maggle, and she’s not keen on enslaving him without a safe word. Plus, Southern Emma Thompson is clearly evil, and no one likes evil people because they’re mean and have bad breath. I don’t really see how she intends to talk Billa into going over to her side. I’m even more confused by Slumming Jeremy Irons as Billa’s father, iCarlisle, telling her that her Maggle boyfriend is going to ruin everything. Seems like he’d be insurance that she doesn’t go over to the dark side. Maybe Southern Emma Thompson will use him in a hostage situation. But can even she resist his vacant charms? After all, how is she to hold him hostage without accidentally touching his pecs?

The Solution:

I see it going like this: Against both iCarlisle and Southern Emma Thompson’s wishes, Billa and the boy have sex, which puts a “Caster” baby into his tummy. But because he’s a Maggle, the growing baby threatens to kill him. To help him withstand the pregnancy, Billa turns her boyfriend into a “Caster.” This goes against her magical order’s rules, but there are no consequences, really.

With two Maggles gunning for her, Southern Evil Thompson gets her ass kicked. She simply cannot make as much black smoke as the formidable team of Billa and her boyfriend and their still unborn baby.

But then iCarlisle takes out his contact lenses and reveals his own set of GOLDEN EYES!!! Before anyone can react he steals all Southern Emma Thompson’s power and turns it upon Billa and her boyfriend, murdering them both.

Little does he know, however, that the baby survived. We see it crawling away from the wreckage with a cloud shaped scar on its forehead. Probably not to be continued…

In Summation:
Please don’t see this. If your girlfriend won’t take no for an answer, insist upon some kind of sexual favor to make it worth your while. Also, maybe break up with her?

There is so much awful in this trailer, but I have to give the award for most hilariously bad to the hyperdramatic sister with the golden eyes. I wouldn’t say no to a whole film just of her histrionic fits, like a live-action On the Ground adaptation.