When word came down the old electronic mail pipeline that whatever was left of New Line Cinema’s distribution unit was releasing a sequel to Tarsem Singh’s 2000 visual stunner The Cell, and that the film would be available on Blu-ray, we’ll, even though I thought the original film was a mess (gorgeously photographed, but a mess none-the-less) I was pretty psyched about checking it out. I mean, even if the story was pretty poor at least it would look awesome right? Wrong…oh so very, very wrong.

First off – and I’ve made this argument many times before – this is not a sequel to The Cell. In fact, if it was even conceived as a sequel to The Cell, I’ll eat my keyboard. This film reeks of the old b-movie tradition: If we don’t know what the hell to do with it, we can call it a sequel to another film. The Cell is a great film to piggyback on to, since no one saw it anyway. And, if you did, you probably can’t remember what it was about – since it didn’t make a hell of a lot of sense to begin with. So, the studio’s got a film, with some lame CGI effects (seriously lame CGI effects) and a serial killer. Part of the film takes place in the serial killers mind and there is a psychic involved in the hunt for the serial killer. Call it a sequel, and we’ll have a built in audience. If nothing else, maybe we can move some back catalogue of the original flick by reminding audiences that one still exists. Got the plan? Good. Now, go forth and pulleth the wood down over the sheep’s eyes.

Maya (Tessie Santiago) survived the wrath of a maniacal serial killer known only as The Cusp. The Cusp kills his victims and then brings them back to life over and over and over again only to keep killing them until they beg to die. Maya was presumed dead and dumped. But, she survived and the mental anguish of the constant rebirths triggered a psychic reaction in her mind. She can now experience the events of others as they are happening. Using this dark gift, she is determined to help the FBI find and capture The Cusp, before he can continue his killing spree. Sheriff Harris (Chris Bruno) doesn’t have a lot of faith in psychic assistance but when his niece is kidnapped by The Cusp, he has little choice but to take his chances on Maya’s visions.

Directed by veteran TV Producer Tim Iacofano (24, Profiler), The Cell 2 has all the visual appeal of a bad network cop drama. The only interesting effects work (no doubt added to tie the film to the original flick) occurs in the films opening scenes. The rest of the effects work would look right at home in a 1980’s New Wave video. The overriding visual look of the film – which supposedly shot in Salt Lake City—is as dreary as any 500 other television productions shot anywhere in Vancouver. It’s all very mundane and formulaic. On top of the lackadaisical visuals, the script is a masterpiece of tediousness. The identity of the killer is thinly veiled and the discovery is of as little revelation to the viewer as it is to the cast of the film. The mystery of who the killer is—which should have been a major plot point—since Maya could not remember, or see, the killers face in her visions—is glossed over by the script and the performances from the cast when the discovery is made. Even the explanation The Cusp later gives Maya for her inability to recognize him is boring.

In the end, there is nothing to recommend about The Cell 2. It teases at the hope that inside the box we’d discover another trip into the twisted surrealistic mind of a serial killer—replete with otherworldly imagery in the greatest senses that Tarsem brought to the original film and his later production The Fall. What it delivers is just another cop drama, by the producer of a cop drama. But, The Cell 2 isn’t even 24 on its worst hour ever. It’s more like one of those third tier cop shows that gets greenlit five years and two dozen lesser imitators later. It’s just a shell of a movie, with a premise as thin as a razors edge. Skip it!