Movies
Creature (aka Blood is Blood, Lockjaw)
“ ‘Creature’ is a bad movie, but that’s not what’s infuriating – it’s that the monster movie is an absolutely appalling piece of work, deserving of a public stoning for having the audacity to believe its worthy of a 1,500 theater release… [It’s so bad that] the footage should have been left in the swamp for the alligators to eat.”
Over the past few months I haven’t been very kind to Fred Andrews’ Creature, in fact, I’d say I’ve been borderline malicious. Every single thing done to promote the film rubbed me the wrong way; it all pointed to “bad.” Still, as a horror fan – and someone who loves man-in-rubber-suit creature features – I desperately wanted Creature to be awesome. In fact, I promised that if I enjoyed the film I would record myself screaming so from my roof. The only screaming that will take place is that of horror fans demanding a refund upon final credits.
Creature (also known as Lockjaw and Blood is Blood) is a bad movie, but that’s not what’s infuriating – it’s that the monster movie is an absolutely appalling piece of work, deserving of a public stoning for having the audacity to believe its worthy of a 1,500 theater release. THE BALLS they must have to even call it “complete”. More on that soon…
Andrews’ movie is another one of those backwoods horror compellations that mixes obnoxious yokels into a creature feature. It’s as if Andrews or co-writer Tracy Morse have never seen classic films such as Deliverance or The Hills Have Eyes. Their idea of character development is overalls and dirt, because from their feeble scope of life, small town folk don’t shower, brush their teeth, nor drink water: It’s beer, “f*ck this”-“f*ck that,” and gross, yellow wife beaters that have been worn for 365 days straight. The teens, introduced via the atypical “car ride”, are about as faceless and unlikeable as anyone ever caught on film. As you may have guessed, the two groups intersect when the (30-year-old) teens stop for some snackages at a place owned by low class locals (headed by Sid Haig).
After a rough, exposition heavy 30 minutes, the super friends head off for more car conversations where one of them recites a local legend about “Grimley,” the town’s boogeyman riddled with a moronic back story. How bad is the origin of “Grimley” you ask? It’s so f*cking stupid that even one of the characters exclaims: “That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard.” Boy was she was right. What’s that? You want to know the origin of said creature? OK, why not? Grimley was f*cking his sister to keep the bloodline alive, she was pregnant and a white alligator ate her. He was so angry he hunted down the alligator, killed it, and then ate rotted flesh until he became a half alligator-half man creature. What’s that? You think I’m being sarcastic? No, no, no, I swear, this is the plot! He’s so angry that his sister was eaten that he’s going to hunt these kids down and kill them… sigh.
Even more bizarre is the filmmaker’s attempt to throw in red herrings with a regular ol’ alligator. Because, you know, you’re seeing a movie called Creature, but you still may believe a regular alligator is the killer… sigh (again).
But let’s be realistic here, we’re horror fans, as long as there are some cool kills we’ll play along. What if I were to tell you every single death scene occurs off camera, some of which we never even see the result? The one that had me falling out of my seat in laughter is when an AD (or someone) throws a bloody piece of clothing in the water from off screen.
Speaking of death scenes, one of the best things about a creature feature is seeing the creative way the teens will destroy the monster. In a complete attempt to ruin the finale, because at this point I really don’t give a sh*t, Grimley pulls the protagonist into a mud hole. Her friend proceeds to dive in after her. Moments later, the girl lifts her way out of the hole, followed by our hero who proceeds to throw Grimley’s jaw on the ground. Yes, you read that correctly, the entire fight sequence took place off camera.
To go on about the filmmakers poor decisions (like the constant, obnoxious use of slow motion, lack of camera work, and hefty sequences of barf-inducing exposition) would be to filibuster more than necessary. The point has been made, Creature is the worst theatrical movie of the year. It’s so bad that, if rated by Rotten Tomatoes, it won’t score above 0%. And if the filmmakers think they’re fooling anyone, they’re straight up delusional. The footage for Creature should have been left in the swamp for the alligators to eat.
The trailer for Ti West’s upcoming adaptation of A Christmas Carol raised a lot of eyebrows when it dropped earlier this week. While plenty of folks initially dismissed Ebenezer as a derivative project meant to cash in on the recent wave of unnecessary prequels that expand the backstory of beloved characters (such as 2023’s Wonka), Charles Dickens’ original novel already made a point of exploring Ebenezer Scrooge’s origins in detail – meaning that this new film is likely just a particularly faithful adaptation of the source material under a different name.
Couple that with the fact that the movie is being helmed by a genuine horror auteur and I think it’s safe to say that the latest iteration of the first modern ghost story is in good hands.
That being said, one detail that immediately jumped out at me during the brief teaser (other than a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it nod to Johnny Depp’s iconic bedroom death scene from the original A Nightmare on Elm Street) is the fact that many of Ebenezer’s ghosts appear to have been directly lifted from the iconic John Leech illustrations that accompanied the first edition of Dickens’ novel.
Here are a couple of stills from the trailer compared to the original artwork:
The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come in ‘Ebenezer’ and ‘A Christmas Carol’
The Phantoms in ‘A Christmas Carol’ and ‘Ebenezer’
Marley’s Ghost in ‘Ebenezer’ and ‘A Christmas Carol’
Mainly working with old-school wood and steel engravings that would later be transferred to print, Leech was instrumental in crafting the iconic look of history’s most influential phantoms – especially since Dickens is said to have been deeply involved with the creation of these so-called “comic illustrations.”
And since the novel is commonly said to have popularized spiritualism in Victorian England, much of the ghostly iconography that we still see in genre media to this very day (including some of Ti West’s previous films) can be traced back to the author’s partnership with Leech.
Ebenezer won’t be the first A Christmas Carol adaptation to borrow heavily from these designs, but I can appreciate how Ti West is incorporating an important part of horror history into his latest film.
Ebenezer will be available in theaters starting November 13.
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