Movies
[Review] ‘Jersey Shore Massacre’ Fails In the Parody Department
I admit it, I watched the hell out of Jersey Shore. Every rotten season of it. When Snooki first walked into the beach house dragging trash bags as luggage, I was there. When Ronnie knocked that kid out with one punch, I loved it. And when the Situation drove his own head into a wall to get out of fighting Ronnie, I laughed my ass off. My viewing had nothing to do with being from Jersey, I’m simply a glutton for schadenfreude and the anthropological study of assholes.
It’s been two years now since Jersey Shore left the air and there’s been a gaping hole in my heart ever since (not really though). That’s why the announcement of Paul Tornopol’s slasher-comedy Jersey Shore Massacre got me all excited. How hard can it be to successfully parody the bronzed bennies and poofy-haired boneheads of my beloved reality show and throw in some fun kills?
Apparently more difficult than it seems.
Jersey Shore Massacre starts with a group of hair stylists “goin’ down the shore.” When they arrive, they find that their stoner landlord (Ron Jeremy, duh) has mistakenly rented out their timeshare to another group of equally obnoxious girls. Teresa (Danielle Dallacco) offers up her gangster uncle’s woodland estate in the Pine Barrens as an alternative. Begrudgingly, the girls head into the woods for an alternative weekend getaway.
From there, Jersey Shore Massacre goes through the slasher beats, with a neighboring cannibal as the prime suspect. Mixed in with the slasher elements is the sexual aggressiveness and misogyny Jersey Shore was known for. Then again, slashers are known for that as well, so it’s all business as usual in those departments.
The cast is made up of a bunch of believably trashy chest-beaters and guidettes, though none of them are particularly adept in the acting department. it’s never a good sign when Ron Jeremy is the only recognizable name in a film (outside of a porno, if you’re into watching a troll doll meshed with a mangy Mario ravage women).
My biggest problem with the film is that it doesn’t embellish the madness of its source material. It’s not a clever parody at all. It plays out like a typical slasher, but the victims happen to say “youse guys” instead of “you guys” and they go tanning. The cast is just doing bad impressions of the Jersey Shore cast without any effort. Aside from JWoww listed as an executive producer, Jersey Shore Massacre has nothing to do or in common with the show. That’s what I was looking forward to! I watch enough lousy DTV slashers already!
Jersey Shore Massacre is now in limited theaters and hits DVD and Blu-ray on August 26.
I was never against Sony’s initial idea to produce solo movies based on Spider-Man’s most memorable supervillains. After all, a hero is only as good as his Rogues’ Gallery is intimidating, so it stands to reason that there were plenty of dark stories to tell here.
While rushed productions like Morbius and Kraven the Hunter didn’t quite turn out as I had hoped, it’s a relief to see James Gunn and the DC Extended Universe learn the right lessons from Marvel’s flops by investing in supervillain stories that aren’t afraid to step into the horror genre.
The new trailer for James Watkins’ upcoming Clayface movie is a great example of this, as the new footage confirms our suspicions that the movie is set to be a full-on piece of body horror focusing more on telling a standalone scary story than setting up a brand.
With that in mind, I’ve decided to take a closer look at the trailer in order to find out what we can expect from this highly anticipated comic-book adaptation from hell.
So without further ado, here are four things we learned from the new Clayface trailer!
4. Matt Hagen is a Club Vesuvius Regular
A seedy nightclub owned by “former” mobster Johnny Sabatino, the comic books have established Club Vesuvius as a hotspot for criminal activity and metahuman action since 2009. Throughout the years, the club has seen everything from an attempted arson by Firefly to magical acts performed by Zatanna herself.
The trailer for Clayface appears to suggest that Vesuvius will feature prominently in this story as well, as the footage shows us several shots of Hagen (Tom Rhys Harries) casually attending the club as well as a couple of more concerning moments where Gotham City Police roll up to the establishment to deal with some kind of emergency.
3. The Movie Will Not Adapt Any Single Specific Comic
As I mentioned before in my Clayface primer for horror fans who aren’t all that familiar with the character, the initial teaser for the film had me convinced that the project would be more of an adaptation of Batman: The Animated Series’ two-part episode Feat of Clay rather than any specific comic-book.
This latest trailer has only confirmed my suspicions, with Hagen’s predicament here feeling much more in line with Marv Wolfman and Michael Reaves’ sympathetic vision of the character than the more traditional criminal that we usually see in the comics. That being said, I’m curious to see how the filmmakers intend to connect this tragic version of Clayface to the more unpleasant monster we saw in Creature Commandos now that it’s been confirmed that these are indeed the same person.
2. James Watkins is Combining Practical and Digital Effects
I’ll always prefer a well-executed practical effect over CGI simply because the former is closer to the stage magic that inspired early moviemaking. That being said, there’s an undeniable artistry to well-crafted visual effects, and I’d argue that a character like Clayface requires the best of both worlds in order to be convincingly brought to life on the big screen.
I’m clearly not the only one who thinks so, as the trailer has shown us that Watkins is combining digital imagery with prosthetics and plenty of flesh-colored goop to depict Hagen’s unique brand of monstrous body horror. James Gunn had already promised us that the film would feature plenty of old-school practical effects wizardry, so it’s exciting to see that this approach in action.
1. Hagen Will Eventually Transform into Clayface’s Iconic True Form
In the comics, whenever Clayface isn’t pretending to be someone else, the character spends most of his time in his “natural” form resembling a gigantic golem-like monster. This look has certainly evolved over the years, but, at this point, most artists have settled on a vaguely humanoid shape accompanied by a gaping maw (though the villain’s terrifying re-imagining in DC’s Absolute Universe is a bit more complicated than that).
While fans were initially skeptical regarding whether or not the upcoming adaptation would even feature this admittedly outlandish design, the trailer has basically confirmed that Hagen’s condition will get progressively worse until he finally resembles the hulking monstrosity from the comics!
Be sure to comment below if you think we overlooked any interesting details in the trailer, and keep in mind that Clayface will be hitting theaters on October 23.
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