Editorials
10 New Year’s Resolutions That Could Kill You!
As we near the dawn of a new year, it’s understandable that you might want to mark the occasion by making it the first day for a brand new you. Perhaps you want to have more money, or you’d like to get in shape. Maybe you have finally grown tired of being a big jerk that everyone hates. Who knows what your problem is? But, as I intend to illustrate, it is sometimes better to accept who you are now rather than go find some “better” version of yourself. Some New Year’s resolutions are far more dangerous than they seem.
Head inside for more!
“I’m Going to Lose Weight”
Easy there, fatboy. You may get sick with disgust every time you look in the mirror, but keep in mind how much work it will take to get rid of all that flab. You’ll have to eat plants, and pretty much only plants, for the duration of your weight loss. This can lead to suicide.
But then there’s the obvious exercise. Our bodies do not like strenuous activity. That’s why working out sucks. You’re body is telling you “Ow!” You can only ignore a body saying “Oh!” so long before it blows up internally, committing suicide without your permission.
And let’s say you lose your weight and get real attractive. Guess what. Now you’re going to have a stalker problem. Often these cases end in death, if not for you then at least your pets. It’s just not worth the risk.
“I’m Going to be Nicer”
They say you’ll catch more flies with honey than vinegar. That’s true so long as we’re just talking about catching flies. As far as people are concerned, many find vinegar preferable to honey, particularly on salads.
If it’s people you’re after, you’ll catch more with money, which rhymes with honey and can buy honey, but in all other ways has nothing to do with honey. To get money, you need to be a jerk. Everyone knows this. If you truly succeed at being a nicer person, you run a greater risk of being poor, which, I mean, you might as well sign your death warrant right now.
Nice people face all kinds of dangers. They refrain from honking in traffic. They have to wait for things to be offered to them instead of just grabbing whatever they want. They must swallow all anger and frustration and fart out a rainbow of happiness, the process of which puts extraordinary stress on the heart. So if you don’t want to die of a happiness heart attack, stick with being a nasty douchebag.
“I’m Going to Spend More Time With My Family”
What a wonderful thought! Family, after all, is what the holidays are all about.
The things is, if this is you, your family might have already learned to get on without your presence. You can’t just jump back in the game after years of neglect and expect everyone to be happy about it. They’re just as likely to kill you dead and get back to the way things were before you got all sentimental.
“I’m Going to Quit Drinking/Smoking”
People always say this, and it’s easy to see why. Smoking and drinking is not only very hazardous to your health but affects your social standing as well. You can’t hold a job while reeking of Jack Daniels, and no one likes hanging out with someone who constantly smells like chimneys and cough drops.
But consider the difficulty of going straight. The strain of detoxing might be enough to kill you way earlier than expected. But more than that, it will make you really mean and hard to be around for a long time, a couple weeks if you’re lucky. In that amount of time, you’re very likely to get murdered.
And then there’s the point no one wants to make: Life sucks. Life without booze and smokes is nearly unbearable. Your chances for relapse are beaten only by your chances for suicide.
“I’m Going to Get More Organized”
If you’re a person with homes chaotic enough to utter these words, take heed. Things in your massive piles of unsorted crap may seem ugly and inspire nasty faces from parents and possible girlfriends, but it is your natural living condition. Going against that grain might seem nice but could easily prove fatal.
Let’s say you’re walking around with no lights on. You used to know the way around, what you had to climb over and what you had to duck underneath. Now, it’s all clear and the freedom of movement makes you walk faster than you normally would have. Whoops! You just ran into your broadsword wall display. Whoops! You just fell down the stairs. Whoops! You just tripped on a piece of furniture positioned to emit the highest amount of feng shui, and there are no twenty year old newspapers to break your fall. If you take medication, good luck finding them in an organized house. It’s hiding in one of 20-30 drawers and sub-drawers.
You need your mess. Without it, you’ll be lucky to make it a week.
“I’m Going to Learn Spanish”
Bad idea. Let’s say you go to the bookstore and buy all the Learn Spanish gear known to man: Books, CDs, Computer Software, the works. Sounds pretty harmless so far. But soon you’ll want to practice what you learned. Naturally, this urge will take you to a Mexican restaurant.
Nachos and burritos and good, but too much of that stuff will put you in the hospital. All the time you spend practicing Spanish will alienate friends and family you do have, most of whom probably love you regardless of how many languages you speak. You may be able to watch El Mariachi without subtitles, but there’s no one left to identify your body when your lungs fill with refried beans.
This fate is not limited to Spanish, by the way. Substitute which ever language and its main stereotypical food, and you’ll find the same results. In the case of Japanese, it might actually be worth it.
“I’m Going to Climb a Mountain”
Good for you! You want to do something physically difficult that puts you in the beautiful outdoors. Unfortunately, you’re probably not going to live through the ordeal, but your spirit is in the right place.
Mountain climbing is very dangerous. Obviously, you might fall to your death. But few people understand the hidden threats that come with the activity. It’s way worse than you think.
First off: The Goats. They don’t like people and aren’t shy about butting you off cliff edges. Birds of prey also don’t like you, and some are big enough to pick you up by the shoulders and drop you straight into the mouth of Hell.
On top of that, many mountains are closed for climbing, so park rangers might shoot you for trespassing. Also, those people who hunt fellow humans for fun and/or meat often take post on mountains, since climbers are so likely to die anyway. Additionally, and this is a long shot, your mountain might be alive and in the middle of battle with another mountain, as seen in The Hobbit.
All in all, mountain climbing may look good on the outset, but in reality it’s more like a one way ticket to buying the farm. Actually, buying a farm would be a much safer New Year’s resolution, so long as it has no goats.
“I’m Going to Become a Snake Handler”
So many innocent, mild mannered people make this odd and increasingly popular New Year’s resolution. They think some sort of happiness and life improvement will come from the handling of and playing with poisonous snakes.
Well, snakes are fun, but they like to bite when frightened, that fills their handlers with often lethal doses of venom. This kills you. I mean, I don’t know what else I can possible say on the matter. Don’t juggle snakes.
“I’m Going to Play More Russian Roulette”
I don’t really get where you’re coming from, but please do not do this. Your life is not worth just throwing away for no reason. Granted, it looks like something maybe tough guys do, but you have so much to live for. Just because I can’t think of anything specific, that doesn’t mean I’m only saying what you want to hear in order to dissuade you from blowing your brains out.
You may think the math is on your side, but that’s an illusion. If you’ve ever seen Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, you know how the math can lie to you. There are other, better ways to have fun and be a daredevil.
“I’m Going to Jump Off a Skyscraper”
Okay. Please stop making New Year’s resolutions. You clearly want to kill yourself and there’s nothing I nor anyone else can say to dissuade you. What an awful waste.
You will die when the force of gravity crushes you against whatever hard surface stops your fall. Maybe it will be a car. Maybe it will be another person. Maybe you’ll fall directly through an open manhole and become a fun bit of trivia. One way or another, this New Year’s resolution turns you into a jelly covered pancake.
Five decades ago, Stephen King published the story of a bullied girl with telekinetic powers and forever changed the world of horror.
Carrie follows a high school misfit who seeks revenge for a hideous prank by psychically destroying her senior prom. The name Carrie White has become synonymous with the concept of a formal dance thanks to a flawless adaptation from Brian De Palma. Now fifty years after the film’s release, Mike Flanagan is putting his own stamp on the troubling story.
Rather than a feature film, the writer/director will expand King’s relatively slim debut novel into an eight-episode miniseries for Amazon Prime set to premiere on October 7.
Flanagan is no stranger to the world of Stephen King. A long-time Constant Reader, he first made waves with his daring adaptation of Gerald’s Game (2017), a novel many fans considered un-filmable. His underrated Doctor Sleep merges the disparate plot of Stanley Kubrick’s The Shining with King’s original source material, and his 2024 genre-bending tearjerker The Life of Chuck faithfully executes one of the author’s most metaphysical novellas.
He’s currently mired in pre-production for an expansive adaptation of The Dark Tower series, keystone to King’s connected universe, and Warner Bros. recently announced that Flanagan will helm a new version of The Mist, King’s 1980 novella which sees a small Maine town overrun by otherworldly monsters.
Considering the vast array of the author’s previously unadapted material, an obvious question arises. Why reimagine Carrie in 2026? Noting the timeless nature of the content, Flanagan expressed his desire to bring the story of a bullied girl into modern times, mirroring his approach to Shirley Jackson’s The Haunting of Hill House and Edgar Allan Poe’s The Fall of the House of Usher. He explained, “The only way to approach it was to build something new out of the ingredients of Carrie. Otherwise, there’s really no purpose in trying to retread ground that’s been so beautifully walked before.”
His miniseries will maintain the novel’s bloody bookends while delivering “big surprises” along the way.
A New Prom Night Nightmare
The roughly 60-second teaser introduces Summer H. Howell as Carrie White just before the moment of catastrophe. Standing in a prom dress, she smiles at her applauding classmates with an ominous crown perched upon her head. Moments later, Carrie unleashes a rage-filled scream into the night air while promgoers rush for the exit doors. But careful examination of this scene shows Carrie wearing a different, albeit dirty dress as she seems to telekinetically punish her peers.
In an exclusive first look with Entertainment Weekly, Flanagan explains that in his version of the story, “the events of that prom are going to be completely different.” An open trunk emitting a crimson glow does hint at the pig’s blood dumped on Carrie’s head, but it’s likely Flanagan’s formal dance will be a different kind of horror altogether. Despite these changes, the series may end with the widespread destruction outlined in the source material. Unlike any previous adaptations, King’s novel ends with the near-total destruction of Chamberlain, Maine. A flaming street in Flanagan’s trailer promises similar carnage no matter what prank sparks Carrie’s deadly revenge.
The Monstrous Addition of Social Media
On the opposite end of this fiery conclusion is an extreme act of bullying that brings together the story’s main cast. King’s novel begins as Carrie gets her first period while showering in the girls’ locker room. Completely unaware of the concept of menstruation, the sheltered girl thinks she’s bleeding to death. Her classmates respond with vitriolic rage. Led by ultra-mean girl Chris Hargensen (Alison Thornton), they mock the terrified teen while pelting her with tampons. Glimpses of this disturbing event reveal that Flanagan has excised the scene’s nudity while adding a seismic update. As Carrie sobs in the shower stall, Chris and her friends film the breakdown with their phones.
Other scenes note the presence of social media, bringing King’s fifty-year-old story into the digital age.
Flanagan’s adaptation promises to explore the destructive power of social media, an often invisible entity with a potential for harm rivaling Carrie’s own powers. While King’s tormented heroine suffers in front of a small group of girls, Flanagan’s version of the incident will likely become a viral video, potentially circling the globe on social media. Similar to Katt Shea’s criminally underrated The Rage: Carrie 2, which includes elements of revenge porn exploitation, Flanagan’s modern retelling will distinguish itself by exploring the nebulous cruelty of online bullying, a force ten times more powerful than the irl pranks King first envisioned.
A Completely Reimagined White Family
In addition to modernizing these canon events, Flanagan hints at updates to Carrie’s oppressive upbringing at the hands of her mother, Margaret White (Samantha Sloyan). Dead before the novel begins, we never meet Carrie’s domineering father Ralph, known to carry a bible alongside his gun. Flanagan’s White household will be an altogether different beast. In his version of the story, Carrie and her mother have been hidden away in the unassuming home, forced out of hiding by Ralph’s unexpected death. Perhaps we will finally meet this elusive man whose shadow hangs over his wife and child. Considering the White family’s fundamentalist lifestyle, this reimagining hints at tradwife culture and a home ruled by staunch patriarchal control.
Whereas King’s Carrie has been tormented by her classmates since Kindergarten, Flanagan’s Carrie will be a wide-eyed newcomer to public school, eager to make friends and engage with her peers. We glimpse Carrie cozying up to Chris and the equally popular Sue Snell (Siena Agudong) as she navigates a new social scene. Of course, we know this kindness is part of an elaborate plot designed to lull Carrie into a false sense of camaraderie, setting up an atrocious act of public humiliation. These brief moments of feigned compassion put Sue’s own complicity into question. Will Flanagan’s version of the character find the courage to defend Carrie from vicious bullies or will she succumb to peer pressure and join in the mob mentality?
Perhaps the biggest deviation from King’s original text is the relationship between Carrie and her mother. King’s Margaret White is a horrifically abusive religious zealot whose worldview has been hardened by internalized misogyny. She shames Carrie for menstruating, locks her in a closet to “pray,” and regrets not killing her child in infancy. She’s also responsible for Carrie’s social ostracization. Known to berate her neighbors for their “sins,” Margaret forces her daughter to live by an extreme code of conduct and disallows any potential friends lest they corrupt the girl with their worldly ways.
Flanagan’s version of the character is perhaps just as much a victim as Carrie herself. Also trapped inside her home, his Margaret is overly vigilant, her own trauma manifesting as strict control. Describing a more sympathetic depiction of the iconic villain, Flanagan explains, “Our Margaret White is a woman who fiercely loves her daughter and wants to protect her from this world … [She] doesn’t know how to do that and thinks the way to protect her is to close her off; not punitively, but to create this private utopia.”
Despite this potential softening, Sloyan’s Margaret may still have a sharp edge. Though she has appeared in many Flanagan projects, from Hush (2016) to The Fall of the House of Usher (2023), she is best known for her role as the abhorrent Bev Keane in the poignant saga Midnight Mass (2021). Perhaps inspired by King’s Margaret White, Bev is pious and sadistic, willing to punish anyone who does not adhere to her warped approximation of Catholicism.
Flanagan specifically wrote Margaret with Sloyan in mind, likely remembering the actress’s eerie ability to create deceptive empathy and shift our allegiances on a dime.
Expanding Stephen King’s Telekinetic Universe
While most of King’s story deals with an unthinkable prom night in Chamberlain, Maine, large sections of the semi-epistolary novel see experts debating the nature of telekinesis. Do Carrie’s frightening abilities represent a new phase in human evolution or is the prom night carnage merely a fluke? King settles the debate with a shocking denouement in which a young mother recounts her infant daughter’s ability to dangle her crib toys in midair. We’re left to wonder if she will become another tormented girl who surprises the world with metaphysical strength.
Flanagan plans to build out this brief scene while amplifying themes of female empowerment. After introducing our main cast of characters, episode two will open with an unrelated story in which we meet another girl with the TK gene. Each subsequent chapter will expand this world, building out a roster of telekinetic young women. Considering King’s fondness for stories about powerful kids, often described as possessing “the shining,” Constant Readers will no doubt have their eyes peeled for various Easter Eggs nodding to the author’s vast catalogue.
Giving Carrie Her Own Voice
Perhaps the most striking distinction in Flanagan’s new trailer is the extent to which we hear Carrie’s voice. The sneak peek is fully narrated by the titular prom queen as she demands accountability. “I want to know why,” she explains while detailing Chris’ elaborate plan. Aside from the aforementioned coda, King’s book essentially ends with the aftermath of the prom night tragedy, leaving little time for Carrie to reflect. His shifting narrative does bring the reader into her fragile mind, though not before she’s been cowed by relentless cruelty. We watch Carrie sink into bloodthirsty revenge, but never hear a considered desire for justice or repair.
Flanagan’s original monologue allows Carrie to voice her pain and mourn the life she could have had. We’re also treated to a mug shot-style photo of Chris with a bruised and bandaged face, implying that the mean girl will have to answer for her senseless sadism.
Flanagan is known for filling his series adaptations with heartwrenching speeches that cut to the heart of his thematic intentions, and this teaser seems to follow suit. After years of fans, critics, and scholars analyzing Carrie’s pain, perhaps his modern retelling will offer the titular anti-hero a chance to finally speak for herself.
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