Connect with us

Editorials

[BEST & WORST ’11] Micah’s List of the Worst Horror Films of 2011!

Published

on

Bloody Disgusting 2011 Best and Worst Horror Movies

Horror movies can be outstanding in the right hands (Kubrick, Scott, Polanski). And can also be a lot of fun if done right (Raimi, Jackson). These picks have none of those qualities.

Instead, the flicks I’ve chosen are a wasteland of disappointment and opportunity lost. It goes to show that there are a lot of ways to screw up a film and that there are always individuals / studios out there willing to do just that. The films range from a cringe-inducing horror comedy based on a solidly hilarious comic, an angst-ridden bastardization of a famous fairy tale, to a mind-boggling suckfest that might be the worst film of the decade so far. These five films should exercise the right to remain silent (and unseen)…forever.

Worst Horror of 2011: Micah

Mr. Disgusting (Best/Worst) | Ryan Daley (Best/Worst) | BC (Best/Worst) | David Harley (Best/Worst)
Micah (Best/Worst) | Lonmonster (Best/Worst) | Evan Dickson (Best/Worst) | Lauren Taylor (Best/Worst)
Posters (Best/Worst) | Trailers (Best/Worst) | Performances (Best)

5. The Human Centipede Part 2 (10/17/11; IFC Midnight)


It’s okay to not like stuff that sucks. Maybe it’s just me, but I feel like others out there must not buy into this film and it’s purposefully over-the-top shock jock propaganda. And I’m not some middle America housewife who spends her free time picketing against Marilyn Manson. I love gore, blood, evil doctors, and butt-sewing as much as the next guy, but I found nothing in this film worthwhile. A stylistic turd is still a turd and controversy for controversy sake is obnoxious.

4. Dylan Dog: Dead of Night (4/29/11; Freestyle Releasing)


The least funny horror comedy of the year. I remember thinking to myself wile watching, “This movie would be better with Paris Hilton in it” and at around the hour mark, “I wonder what’s on reality TV tonight?”

3. Red Riding Hood (3/11/11; Warner Bros. Pictures)


I attempted, in good faith, to watch this movie again after I fell asleep during the first viewing, because of what I assume was my body shutting itself down due to excessive teen angst. Moral of that story is this movie was even worse the second time around. I have the feeling that I probably should have watched a trailer or listened to everyone EVER that this movie was garbage.

2. The Roommate (2/4/11; Sony Screen Gems)


It’s the movie that bravely supports kitten abuse. Hilarious stuff. It’s of importance to note that the target audience for this movie is teenage girls who judge each other by what “hot guy team” they drool over. It’s not meant to be taken seriously by adults with brains. Minka Kelly and Cam Gigandet (30ish playing an underclassmen) should be taken behind a woodshed and flogged for their performances. The flogging should be televised and free sandwiches should be handed out for those who attend in person.

1. Creature (9/9/11; Bubble Factory)


To call Creature bad would not be accurate. It’s stupendously, stunningly, staggeringly bad. B.A.D. If you like horror films with pesky things like coherent plots, remotely believable characters, on screen kills or even the smallest nugget of a redeeming quality you need to look elsewhere. Creature is the Ed Hardy of horror films. I don’t know; maybe if you drink a bunch of Jaeger bombs while tanning with your Brosephs this fun tunnel of a movie would totally crush. The cast is the most unlikeable bunch of asshats this side of Altitude, who inexplicably are ALL still alive an hour plus into the movie. A remarkably moronic ending finally puts this movie down for the count. But hey, at least no one fell for this nonsense. Creature has the dubious honor of the worst EVER opening for a wide release – with less than six people attending each showing the first weekend. While audiences weren’t fooled, this movie is an embarrassment to the genre and horror fans alike. Blerg. The only question is: Is it bad enough to be become successful midnight movie?

2011 Honorees and Accolades:

Movie So Bad I Forgot About It Until After This Article Was Already Submitted: Hellraiser: Revelations. Words like terribad were invented for films like this one. Then again, should we have expected more from a movie that was made, in two weeks, solely to save the rights to the franchise by the studio? Clive Barker said it best when he declared that this movie was nor from his mind or his a**hole. Ouch.

Not Quite Top 10: Monsters, Undocumented, The Yellow Sea, Seconds Apart and Snowtown.

TV That Sucked, Then Became Awesome: American Horror Story. The first few episodes felt like corporal punishment, but then, like a Phoenix rising out the ashes, sh*t got real…good. The same can be said of True Blood’s finale episode, which nearly redeemed an entire season of suck in one fell swoop.

Biggest Flop of the Year: Remakes, Prequels and Remakequels. None of the many big-budget studio cash grabs did anything for me. Most just made me want to perform a memory lobotomy that would allow me to forget I wasted my time and money. Case in point, I’ve had Arby’s meals that were more memorable than Fright Night 3D or The Thing.

Biggest Disappointment: Piranha 3DD. Since the moment the credits rolled on Piranha 3D I’ve been excited to get back to the fishy action. C’mon, Ving Rhames asks someone to “bring me my legs” in the hilarious trailer for the sequel. That’s tough to beat. All I wanted for this holiday season was for someone to bring me a sequel to my favorite cheese ball horror flick of 2010. Studio. Release. Fail. P.S. Shark Night 3D only made my longing for 3D piranhas attacking big boobed bloody bimbos worse.

Best Disc Release:Island of the Lost Souls from The Criterion Collection. Beautiful in every possible way.

Best Use of Breaking the 4th Wall: Rubber. The movie itself was a little too discombobulated to check in as one of my faves of the year, but it was certainly one of the most inventive. Plus, who doesn’t like telekinetic head explosions?

Best Gimmick: Oscillating Camera in Paranormal Activity 3. Nothing else came close to causing as many white-knuckling, heart-stopping moments. You could literally feel the tension grow with each mechanical swoop the damn thing made.

Editorials

‘Bloodmoon’ (1990) – An Underseen Ozploitation Spin on the Classic American Slasher

Published

on

Bloodmoon 1990

As secrets come out and the body count grows, a character in Bloodmoon says to another: “This is nightmare night, the end-of-the-fuckin’-world night… all the bugs and the bats and the goblins are coming out tonight and no one can stop them.” Based on that rather dramatic statement, one delivered by actor Christine Amor without her even batting an eyelid, this underseen 1990 Australian film sounds a bit deranged. Rest assured, that assumption isn’t off the mark. Of course, this shouldn’t come as a surprise; audacity and nuttiness tend to go hand in hand in classic Ozploitation. Nevertheless, director Alec Mills and screenwriter Robert Brennan’s collaboration was not quite like anything to come out of Aussie Horror at the time. Even today, parts of Bloodmoon feel singular when compared to films from that first slasher cycle.

Warning: Major spoilers below.

Based on one of its several striking posters — the viewer’s eye immediately goes to the blue-toned illustration’s chiseled and butt-naked subject, who looks on at his potential female victims all while holding a circular garrote made of barbed wire — Bloodmoon looks to be a sex-themed slasher. Indeed, this film is about carnal pleasure as much as it is about carnage. Although, the proposed villain’s reason for targeting horny young folks isn’t puritanical in nature. Something else is motivating the killing spree in this psychosexual slasher.

In true fashion, a boarding school is the site of unspeakable horror for credulous young women and their equally unfortunate beaus. Bloodmoon is no retread of Picnic at Hanging Rock, though; the real danger resides on campus rather than out in nature, and there is no hint of the supernatural. All the ensuing and tangible bloodletting here is the outcome of one man’s prolonged frustration. Yet before any of that is revealed, the film begins like others before and after it: visitors to the make-out point in the nearby woods are slaughtered by an unseen assailant. The killer’s identity is, as it should be, concealed for the time being with only menacing shadows and that compulsory POV shot to establish their existence. However, the barbed garrote splashed across the film’s promotional materials is in clear view as well as in explicit use. The choice of close-range weapon gives these murders a greater sense of intimacy.

Pictured: One of the eyeless victims in Bloodmoon.

Bloodmoon sets up stray subplots that come across as superfluous, yet they eventually fall into place. For starters, an elderly nun at the all-girls’ academy Saint Elizabeth — the only nun, in fact — is spotlighted at the beginning; she remains staffed despite her advanced age and supposed uselessness. After being called a good influence on the students, Sister Mary-Ellen (Hazel Howson) takes a backseat as her co-stars launch their own underplots. Meanwhile, ostensible main character and likely final girl Mary (Helen Thomson) discerns no threat to herself or others because the police refuse to rule the missing teens so far (both Mary’s classmate and her sweetheart from the neighboring all-boys’ school) as anything but hormonal runaways. Mary is more concerned with her mother, a famous actor and inattentive parent, and the townie boy Kevin (Ian Williams) with whom she has become smitten. That innocent romance is routinely juxtaposed with the killer’s grisly crimes targeting other teenage couples. A hint of what’s in store for Mary and Kevin, really.

On top of Mary’s innocent storyline is a minor yet ultimately precarious thread featuring two other Saint Elizabeth students, Michelle and Jennifer (Suzie MacKenzie, Anya Molina). These would-be cheaters get more than they bargained for when snooping around for test answers; they uncover the killer’s presence and seal their own fates. In the same breath, the film makes the misstep of identifying the culprit much too soon. The beloved mystery ingredient of whodunit slashers sadly expires here, however, the script compensates with an unusual new direction: how will the killer get away with his many crimes? All of a sudden, this Down Under take on the popular “dead teenager” film transforms into a villain-as-the-protagonist thriller. Those potentially worried about being bait-and-switched should feel better knowing the film’s slasher aspect is not completely abandoned. And if nothing, Bloodmoon is even madder now that it has unmasked the antagonist.

There is a cruel irony here about overprotective parents sending away their children to remote places on the map, in an effort to keep them safe from the real world. As it turns out, Saint Elizabeth’s headmistress, Virginia Sheffield (Amor), and her husband Myles (Leon Lissek), also the science teacher, are not who they claim to be. Horror history would suggest Myles is the one being too hands-on with his female pupils, but it is actually his wife who can’t keep her manicured paws off the male student body. This scenario of creepy cuckolding and sexual misconduct has its inevitable consequences, though, once Myles decides he will no longer tolerate Virginia’s mockery and his own sexless existence. And all the teenagers who are now discovering love and sex are the first to feel the sting of this chronically blue-balled wimp-turned-madman.

bloodmoon 1990 horror movie

Pictured: The garrote-wielding killer spots more potential victims in Bloodmoon.

On the surface, Bloodmoon is all about sex, but in hindsight, the film also shadows characters who are figuring out their sense of worth. Be it to themselves or others. Sister Mary-Ellen is originally thought of as old and irrelevant by her coworkers and the students, only to then be the one who winds up saving the day (using a handy beaker of acid!). Mary’s neglectful mother is more bothered by an early-morning appointment than the fact that she hasn’t contacted her daughter in a month, and Kevin has predicted his unexceptional lot in life before even graduating. Most of all, Myles has been of no use to his wife for years; she obviously prefers her men underaged, fresh-faced and disposable. Add envy and resentment to Myles’ constant feeling of worthlessness, and this film has cooked up a considerable recipe for murder.

By the time Bloodmoon was first released, slashers had pretty much fallen out of favor overseas. That didn’t stop anyone from making them, although at that point, not everyone was willing to tweak the formula like Alec Mills and Robert Brennan did. Their own spin retains the essential fixings while also adding persuasive deviations to ensure a less typical product. And because Severin Films has issued a restored and high-def edition of the film — which includes that abrupt “fright break” intermission — John Stoke’s cinematography is now more appreciable.

Bloodmoon had the misfortune of following better received and, without much argument, less uneven slashers. Similar but different enough to warrant a glance, however, this Ozzie variation still offers an oddball killer, technical merit and, above all, some sleazy entertainment value.

Bloodmoon is now available on Blu-ray from Severin Films.


Horrors Elsewhere is a recurring column that spotlights a variety of movies from all around the globe, particularly those not from the United States. Fears may not be universal, but one thing is for sure — a scream is understood, always and everywhere.

bloodmoon 1990 blu-ray

Pictured: Severin Films’ Bloodmoon Blu-ray release.

Continue Reading