Bloody-Disgusting is pleased to bring you the first edition of Ask Beefcake: Advice For Forlorn Lovers! In this column, YOU, the reader, submits a question regarding a problem you are having with your love life and GWARs mighty and terrifying bassist Beefcake will tell you how to remedy your situation. So check after the jump for three questions from your fellow Infected members and see how Beefcake suggests they tackle their issues, all in the name of love.
My friends won’t form a human centipede w/ me. What can I do?
Well, first of all, let me say that you sound like a twisted little maggot! However, I suppose if you’re dead set on the project, you can use ether to knock them out, then drag them to your diabolical laboratory (or the spare room at your mom’s, wherever you do your weird shit). Make sure you keep your surgical instruments clean, don’t want to risk infection! I am curious about one thing. Are you planning on being the front end or the rear? Either way, you’re probably going to regret this.
My girl and I are having difficulties being passionate in the bedroom after such a long relationship… any tips for bringing the passion back?
Booze. Drugs. Porn. Let her know you want to knock the lining out. Just whip it out and start slapping her in the face with it. Put on some porn and start beating it, maybe she’ll get the hint and join in. If that doesn’t work try to talk her into a 3 way with that friend of hers you always liked better anyway. If all else fails break up with her. A “relationship” without sex is as useless as tits on a bull.
Hey Beefcake. I’m having trouble: every time I meet someone and think it’s going anywhere, they always choose someone over me. What should I do to win a girl completely over?
Hey David. Sounds like you’re the purse holder. The nice guy that chicks take advantage of so they have an escort while they’re out looking for a real man. That sucks. Don’t be that! Be bold! Chicks like funny guys who make them feel safe. They also like guys that other girls like. Home in on a hot chicks ugly girlfriend, she’ll be easy. Make her fall in love with you and then “talk to” her friend and explain how you like her fat, disgusting friend, but not “that way”, but you don’t know how to let her down without hurting her. Act sincere and the shallow hot chick will start thinking you have potential. Then again maybe it’s you. Maybe you need to brush your teeth and clip your fingernails. And quit dressing like an asshole!
Well there you have it! Beefcake will be back next month to answer some more questions, so if you would like to try and get your questions answered, simply leave your question as a comment below!