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Ask Beefcake: Advice For Forlorn Lovers Volume 2

Published

13 years ago

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It’s time for yet another volume of Ask Beefcake: Advice For Forlorn Lovers! The great Beefcake The Mighty has blessed two of you readers with his answers to your love and relationship issues. Care to learn from this man’s great advice and possibly ask him a question of your own? Then go forth past the jump and learn how YOU can become a great lover!

askbeefcake
Photo Courtesy Of Adam Dodd

I have a pussy of a boyfriend… But he’s really good in bed… Anyway to make him act like a man so I won’t be so embarrassed to be seen with him?
 
Sounds like you should dump the chump! If he’s a pussy, he’ll never ever not be a pussy. Even if he does get tough, he’ll always carry around that inner pussy, cradling it close to his bosom like a favorite stuffed bunny. He’s probably secretly gay. Leave him immediately. You must remember, guys are easy and you could probably have any guy you want. Unless you’re fat and/or ugly, then you might wanna stay with what you got. If you’re not particularly hideous to look at or touch, might I suggest you bang as many guys as you can, until you find just the right one. I suggest you start with each and every one of his friends, you might have more in common with those close to home. Also, you should print his name here so everyone can make fun of him too.
 
 
 
Hey Beefcake, how can a young guy like myself spice up his sex life? I am so desensitized (Thanks Internet!), that nothing really excites me anymore, and almost all my sexual encounters get boring within 5 minutes, no matter how rough or crazy it gets. How do I get excited about sex again?
 
Well, first of all I think you should try having sex with another person involved. Usually one would mate with a member of the opposite sex. I do detect a bit of confusion on that subject from your end, so I would suggest that you dive headlong into a hopeless heroin addiction and become a cheap and shameless prostitute. Take on all comers (literally) regardless of sex, race, or species . No matter how bizarre and potentially harmful or dangerous the request may be. Stop bathing and don’t use condoms. In fact ignore your health and sanity altogether. Become a receptacle for all forms of excretion and abuse. After a couple of soul destroying years you should have a better idea of what you enjoy or don’t care for. But by then you’ll likely O.D. and die, so it doesn’t really matter that much what you do. But it would be pretty funny.



To submit YOUR questions to Beefcake The Mighty:
Just leave a comment with your question! 
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Music

“He Walks By Night” – Listen to a Brand New John Carpenter Song NOW!

Published

1 week ago

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April 9, 2024

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John Carpenter music

It’s a new day, and you’ve got new John Carpenter to listen to. John Carpenter, Daniel Davies and Cody Carpenter have released the new track He Walks By Night this morning, the second single off their upcoming album Lost Themes IV: Noir, out May 3 on Sacred Bones Records.

Lost Themes IV: Noir is the latest installment in a series that sees Carpenter releasing new music for John Carpenter movies that don’t actually exist. The first Lost Themes was released in 2015, followed by Lost Themes II in 2016 and Lost Themes III: Alive After Death in 2021.

Sacred Bones previews, “It’s been a decade since John Carpenter recorded the material that would become Lost Themes, his debut album of non-film music and the opening salvo in one of Hollywood’s great second acts. Those vibrant, synth-driven songs, made in collaboration with his son Cody Carpenter and godson Daniel Davies, kickstarted a musical renaissance for the pioneering composer and director. With Lost Themes IV: Noir, they’ve struck gold again, this time mining the rich history of the film noir genre for inspiration.

“Since the first Lost Themes, John has referred to these compositions as “soundtracks for the movies in your mind.” On the fourth installment in the series, those movies are noirs. Like the film genre they were influenced by, what makes these songs “noirish” is sometimes slippery and hard to define, and not merely reducible to a collection of tropes. The scores for the great American noir pictures were largely orchestral, while the Carpenters and Davies work off a sturdy synth-and-guitar backbone.

“The trio’s free-flowing chemistry means Lost Themes IV: Noir runs like a well-oiled machine—the 1951 Jaguar XK120 Roadster from Kiss Me Deadly, perhaps, or the 1958 Plymouth Fury from John’s own Christine. It’s a chemistry that’s helped power one of the most productive stretches of John’s creative life, and Noir proves that it’s nowhere near done yielding brilliant results.”

You can pre-save Lost Themes IV: Noir right now! And listen to the new track below…

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