Ask Beefcake: Advice For Forlorn Lovers Volume 4

Alright Bloody-Disgusting readers, check it out. It’s been a while since GWAR bassist Beefcake The Mighty has been able to grace us with his knowledge and answer your questions regarding love and relationships. What’s that? You want to know why? You dare ask? He’s been to busy raping the penguins outside of the GWAR Antarctic home base, that’s why! The man can’t be disturbed when his schlong is wreaking havoc amongst the indigenous population. I tried it once. I barely escaped with my life, not to mention the cherished virginity of my eye socket (who does that???). But now the love guru is back to answer your questions!

askbeefcake
Photo Courtesy: Adam Dodd
1) Hey Beefcake, I’m an 18 year old girl that is about to go to senior prom with my boyfriend of four years. We’ve never gone all the way, but I’m thinking that prom night will be the night! How can I make sure that it’s special and something I’ll remember and cherish for the rest of my life?
 
Ahh, yes! Young love, your first time, and all that bullshit! The point where you go from a sweet and  innocent young lady with her whole life ahead of her, to a shameless filthy slut overnight! The time when a sweet caring boyfriend changes into a bragging retard, high fiving his buddies and snickering along with them at the story of how he took your virginity and never called you again! Oh, the fumbling, awkward poking and prodding. The premature ejaculation. The unwanted teen pregnancy. Yes, it is a wonderful time! There are many ways to make this Hallmark moment last forever. Here are just a few suggestions. 
 
1) Get really really drunk and throw up all over your boyfriend before he reaches climax. This will assure you a place in history as the dumb drunken slut who threw up on her boyfriend while getting plowed in the boys room stall.
2) Let him take pictures. He’ll surely post them on the internet and ruin your life!
3) Get pregnant.
4) Find out the hard way that you’re not his first, and get a raging case of herpes!
5) Whatever you do, let him bang you. Otherwise, he won’t love you and you’ll die alone, fat, and ugly.
 
2) Yo Beefcake, I’m in a sticky situation. I’m seeing two girls at once that don’t know about each other and they’re starting to figure shit out. What should I do?
 
That’s easy! Introduce them to each other, drop some pills into their drinks, and when they get really horny, have an epic 3-way with them. They’ll totally be into it and you’ll be the coolest kid at the mall! This is a no lose situation! Chicks love it when you cheat on them and can’t wait to reward you with a Penthouse Forum fantasy 3-way with lots of girl on girl action! Hats off to you, Stud!
I want to try something new this time. If you want to submit a question, but are ashamed, leave a comment saying so and I’ll open up a dedicated email account to receive questions where they will be sent anonymously. If you have no shame, post your question below!