Best & Worst of 2009: Tex Massacre Picks His Bottom 5!

Tim Anderson, known as Tex Massacre here in the site, is our main man when it comes to DVDs. He watches more films that I can even imagine sitting through. In fact, I wouldn’t be shocked if his brains were mush by now. This morning Tex, our longest writer on staff, submitted his picks for the best and worst films of 2009. Beyond the break you’ll find his selections for the BOTTOM 5 horror films of 2009. What do you guys think?

Mr. Disgusting (Best/Worst) | Tim Anderson (Best/Worst) | BC (Best/Worst)
David Harley (Best/Worst) | Ryan Daley (Best/Worst)

TEX MASSACRE’S BOTTOM 5 OF 2009

5. The Collector (July 31; Freestyle)


From the team that brought you Saw IV – VI and Feast I – III comes the lamest and worst torture porn movie ever released on over 1,300 screens. Thank god it made less than 8 million bucks. Most of you must have missed it. I unfortunately did not!

4. The Final Destination 3D (August 28; New Line)


How bad was The Final Destination? So bad that I hated the film in spite of these 3 things. (1) It was in 3-D and things flying at my face is still funny for me. (2) They gave out free shots at the screening and I was half hammered before the flick even started (3) two of my friends were actually in the movie, and went to the theater with me. Even when they appeared on screen, I wasn’t particularly interested! Way to go New Line…no wonder you went out of business.

3. Halloween II (August 28; Dimension)


Oh Rob Zombie, how far the mighty hath fallen. I didn’t like the original Halloween remake either, but somehow the hype machine sucked me into believing that this was truly “your” vision for the franchise. The film you wanted to make! I was ready to go, popcorn and Icee in hand, then 105-rambling-incoherent-minutes later it was all over…and I felt dirty…and not in the good way. Was that a unicorn?

2. Wrong Turn 3: Left For Dead (October 20; Fox)


I would say that the subtitle for this film, just about sums up the franchise as a whole.

1. The Cell 2 (June 6; Warner Brothers)


This film makes me physically upset in much the same manner as (presumably BC is about Wrong Turn 3!). I don’t really want to get into it. But this is not a sequel to The “Cell”, this is a movie that needed a title that they could “Sell” to people. This is the sleaziest kind of marketing ploy perpetrated by studios. Take a decade old film, no one really remembers but kinda dug, and then title some half-ass made for TV movie with digital FX work that looks like something out of a 80′s MTV video as a “part 2″ and hope enough poor slobs pick it up in the first week to make back the shitty budget before the masses discover that the film is a piece of crap. Isn’t that false advertising! Let’s get congress involved.

HORRIBLE MENTIONS


I’ll be you all can’t believe that the Friday The 13th remake wasn’t on my list! Well…here it is. Add to that the Exorcist rip-off The Unborn , the execrable Stan Helsing, the unnecessary Vacancy 2, the totally expected crap-fest Feast III and the filmmaking-by-committee failure Perkins 14 and 2009 actually wasn’t that bad a year for bad movies! Better luck next time gang!