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14 Reasons You Should Have Played Shadows Of The Damned

I did it! I made a list. Put your shocked faces on. After Adam REPORTED that there is hope for a sequel to Shadows of the Damned after the game was lacking in sales I got excited. I also got to thinking about how awesome the game is, and how it seems like a lot of people don’t realize that.

So, I decided to make a list of many of the excellent reasons why you should pick this game up. Also, Adam got me all riled up because he was pretty convinced I would never get it done because I’m a slacker. Well I cranked it out in one night, suck it Dodd! Head past the break for the awesomeness you missed out on.

1. Johnson

Shadows of the Damned will get you thinking about phallus more than a gay porn will. Johnson is Garcia’s floating skull best friend. He doubles as a torch, a hand gun, shotgun, machine gun, and a fucking motorcycle. Who wouldn’t want that as a best friend? He was also previously a demon in the City of the Damned. So he also doubles as an awesome tour guide.

2. The Controls

You like the way Resident Evil 4, 5, and Dead Space 1 and 2 feel on your controller right? Well Shadows is right on par with all of those games. Except in Shadows you get a dive roll. How many times when being chased by a Necromorph, or a Majini throws a spear at you would you have wish you could have done a dive roll out of the way? (Drops the mic, walks off stage.)

3. Garcia ‘Fucking’ Hotspur

No game that I can remember has ever offered me a foul mouthed, tattooed, leather jacket (no shirt underneath), skull befriending, Mexican demon hunter before. Garcia is straight out of a Grindhouse movie, a total badass who is never scared and doesn’t take any shit from anyone. Biggest demon ever? The devil himself? Garcia doesn’t give no fucks.

4. Garcia and Johnson, BFF4L (Best Friends Forever 4 Life)

The banter of Garcia and Johnson is really what a lot more games need. You WILL laugh out loud regardless of whether you’re alone or not. If you’re not alone the people around you who have no idea what’s going on will more than likely also be in stitches. There are a lot of sexual jokes thrown around. And at certain points during the game you end up at these oversized story books that are read by Johnson to Garcia. I believe one is read by Garcia to Johnson, and Garcia is not a very good reader. But both of them throw comments back and forth during the story books that will have you in tears.

5. The Demonic Weaponry

Your hand gun, the Boner is your basic weapon. At some point it becomes the Hot Boner allowing you to charge it and shoot sticky exploding balls at enemies. Your shotgun, the Monocussioner shoots skulls instead of bullets. That later becomes the Skullcussioner which you can charge and shoot a blast of 4 skulls. Last up is my favorite, the Teether. Your submachine gun that, yes you probably guessed, shoots demon teeth instead of bullets.

6. The Big Boner

Ok, lets recap. Your handgun is called the Boner. You can charge up your Boner (because why wouldn’t you?) and at this point it becomes the Hot Boner and you can shoot explosive sticky balls at enemies. How could this get any better/more perverted? Well when you get to a certain area in the game you see a billboard for Angel Kiss Hostess Club. “Got a Boner already? Call us! We will turn it into a BIG BONER! Call us now! 03-666-6666” So what do you do? YOU CALL THAT FUCKING NUMBER! Who wouldn’t want a Big Boner?! The Boner extenze (see what I did there?) and get’s HUGE. Then you proceed to blast the hell out of some big Demons in a somewhat Godzilla like setting. All while holding the massive gun like you might hold something near your crotch and wave it in a friends face. Not that, I’ve ever done that…..

7. The Developer Diaries

Have you seen these fucking out of control developer diaries? Dev diaries would get way more attention if they were all like this.

8. What About This Trailer?

It’s basically an infomercial for getting a bigger boner.

9. Fucking Demons, Man

I’m always happy to slay some demons. You should be too. The enemy design in the game is ridiculous. In a good way that is. The main antagonist Fleming who steals Garcia’s lady Paula has 6 eyes, 3 noses, and a dirty mouth. Demons riding horses, fucked up demon sisters, messed up regular demons, it’s all enough to want to keep you as far away from hell as possible.

10. Punk Rock

The game is very punk rock. The devs even said it in the diaries above. Everything is metal, spiked, dark, studded, cold, leather, skulled and badass. A lot of games go straight to steam punk, but Suda and the gang went the old Punk Rock route and it turned out awesome.

11. Baby Face Gate Locks

If you haven’t played Shadows you’re like, what the fuck? Baby Gates? Every gate you find locked in the game is locked by a cranky babies face. You know those babies have some terrible back story otherwise why would that baby be in hell? Does a baby go to hell when it’s aborted? Probably. Ever met a baby who was a total dick? Probably got its ass kicked and ended up in hell. The only way to open these fucked up baby gates is to shove whatever they want in their mouths. Babies in hell want 1 of 3 things. Strawberries. Ok, that’s normal. A large eyeball? Yes. Lastly, a brain. Probably because they never got a fully developed one of their own. PRO CHOIIIIIICE!!!

12. City Of The Damned

The game takes place in hell. It’s always cool to see the different ways game developers design hell. I must say my favorite is Dante’s Inferno, but Shadows Of The Damned’s hell is pretty great also. It’s almost as if you took earth from centuries ago and turned it into hell. It looks very old school, with old buildings, stone streets, big horse pulled hay bails, old barrels. Take that and splash it up with gore, blood, demons, bodies, and I’m sure a fresh ripe stank and you’ve got your hell.

13. The Dream Team

The main 2 behind Shadows of the Damned are video game industry veterans. Goichi Suda (Suda 51) and Shinji Mikami. Suda, the CEO of Grasshopper Manufacture, you may know from Killer7 and No More Heroes. Also the upcoming amazing looking Lollipop Chainsaw. Shinji fucking created Resident Evil. Enough said. The completion of the dream team includes Akira Yamaoka. The magical genius behind the music for Silent Hill. He left Konami after finishing his work on Shattered Memories and joined Suda and Grasshopper Manufacture. That says enough about why you should play this game right there.

14. A Welcoming Reception, Though No One Showed Up To The Party

Look around. The game got GREAT reviews. The lowest score I saw was a 67/100. Which still isn’t bad these days. The rest of them floated in the 4/5, B+ area. In return, from my research, the game sold about 260,000 copies worldwide. That isn’t so good. Especially for a game that got such great reviews and was praised by many reviewers and fans, and Dodds. With any luck the good reviews will be enough to spin a sequel off of this amazingly original demon killing romp through hell.



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