[BD Caption Contest] Win Another Zombie Head Limited Edition Of “The Walking Dead” Season 2 On Blu-ray!!
The First Prize winner this week is kizzle (please DM me your US mailing address to receive your Jaws Blu-ray and Bottle Opener).![BD Caption kizzle 8 25 12 [BD Caption Contest] Win Another Zombie Head Limited Edition Of The Walking Dead Season 2 On Blu ray!!](http://cdn.bloody-disgusting.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/BD_Caption_kizzle_8_25_12.jpg "BD_Caption_kizzle_8_25_12")
This week we don’t have a mystery prize, instead we’re giving away “The Walking Dead” Season 2 on Blu-ray. It’s the limited edition with the Zombie Head that you can check out here. It has an SRP of $99.99. That means you guys really have to BRING IT this week! Runner-up gets Jaws on Blu-ray!
Head inside to see the runner-up and to start this week’s contest!
![BD Caption trixxxster 8 25 12 [BD Caption Contest] Win Another Zombie Head Limited Edition Of The Walking Dead Season 2 On Blu ray!!](http://cdn.bloody-disgusting.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/BD_Caption_trixxxster_8_25_12.jpg "BD_Caption_trixxxster_8_25_12")
Our runner up is trixxxster. You also get a Jaws Blu-ray! DM Me! On to this week’s contest!
Rules:
1. We pick a still from a movie. You head to the comments section and submit your best one-liners, zingers, pathos riddled couplets etc…
2. You can enter as many times as you like and submit as many captions as you want, but each caption must be in a separate comment. Otherwise it will be too hard to tell where one caption ends and the other begins. Your entries can be posted anytime after the still is announced – just be sure to check that I haven’t announced that the contest is closed in the comments (you don’t want to submit your winning zinger after we’ve picked the winner). Also any racist, sexist, homophobic or generally hateful jokes will be disqualified. You don’t have to be insanely PC – just use your best judgement. Try and keep it brief! It has to fit on the photo now!
3. We pick the winner and announce them and their winning caption when the next photo in the contest is posted. We will address you by your BD Infected name. You can then DM me your US mailing address (no PO boxes) and I will send you your prize in a timely manner (i.e. you should have it in a couple of weeks). You must be a US resident to receive your prize!
Remember, First Prize receives The Limited Edition Zombie Head Walking Dead Blu-ray and Runner-Up receives Jaws on Blu-ray!
![Maniac Cop Caption 8 25 12 [BD Caption Contest] Win Another Zombie Head Limited Edition Of The Walking Dead Season 2 On Blu ray!!](http://cdn.bloody-disgusting.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/Maniac_Cop_Caption_8_25_12.jpg "Maniac_Cop_Caption_8_25_12")
1 Comments
Hair Crimping? Is that related to our
conjugal visit?
can i get a room, so i can screw this prostitute?
I’d like a dozen doughnuts, and 2 large coffees.
Hello, I’m Bruce Campbell, and you’re not.
Ha!
I’m looking for a the Necronomicon, You havent by chance seen one lying around, have you?
*I’m looking for the
Who wants to see my boomstick?
It’s looks like I’m going to jail. I think I’ll just clinch my butt cheeks now and try to remember to not drop the soap.
Don’t look at his hair. Don’t look at his hair. Don’t look at his hair.
Shit.
Come on officer! Isn’t herpes punishment enough?
OK Officer, this is it, I’m tired of getting the runaround. I really need to know….. Who’s hair looks more like ass, mine, or blondie’s here?????
If I stare hard enough his head will explode.
Here is the address of my barber. You folks look like you could use him.
Excuse me, Officer, looking a ‘lil thin on top. Do you remember what it was like to have a wind tunnel tested hairdo????
Ok, Mr. Campbell…and what exactly did your horror credibility look like?
Officer, her kickass hairdo matches her kickass personality. Scouts honor….
Officer, I need to report a crime! Some guy raped my goat!
Hello, officer. I’m here to report a remake.
You get my vote.
I know of this great place to get some hair extensions let me give you the number very little pain and you will have hair that looks as good as mine and hers but hers costs more
Officer, why don’t you just forget the ticket… and hail to the King, baby
Really, Ron Jeremy? You’re gonna act like those times on the board aren’t the hours you’re screwing someone?
Excuse me Officer, have you heard about the remake of Evil Dead. By the way, this is a shameless promotion. I’m Bruce Campbell, and I approoved this message.
ok, here’s my last offer. You get he girl and I get your vote for President of USA. Deal?
Excuse me officer, would you mind of I ran my fingers thru the amazing looking pubic hair on your head?
Yes, Campbell. Bruce Campbell. I can’t believe you’ve never heard of me…
I demand to know what the charges against me are…. Impersonating an actor.
So…uh…You still keep in touch with Stills and Nash?
she may look like a mindless robot but she’s great in the sack
Hey man… how many doughnuts is it going to take for you to forget this whole situation here?
Hello, we’d like a room. How much for the 1/2 Hour rate?…Psst, I’m Bruce Cambell
Campbell*
The sign said “Loading Zone”…how else was I supposed to take that?
this is the weirdest burger king ever, they all look like cops in here
Would you let us off the hook if I gave you some sugar, baby?
Women: OMG! Look at his hairline, That is so disgusting!
Bruce: Thank god I don’t look like that.
Officer: I hope there not looking at my hair.
Hair crimping carries a five year sentence? Seriously?!
officer did spider-man put you up to this… that guy hates me!
I’m about to show her my boomstick.
Let’s talk about this man to man, chin to chin.
Here’s that number again officer, write this down….1-800-555-WIGSRUS
No…no…NO!!! MY autograph….I asked if YOU wanted MY autograph. I’m Bruce Cambell DAMNIT!!!
I’m hear to kick butt, and catch a maniac cop…
…and I’m all out of butt…
Hey, hey, hey…doll hands are not a crime!
OFFICER I CAUGHT HER STEALING FROM S-MART… NOBODY GETS THE BEST OF BRUCE CAMPBELL!
seriously i cant concentrate, i gotta give her the shocker!!
That’s right, sir, failure to hail to the king.
Just put down: immediate execution.
Next time you unleash an ancient demon, call that Buffy chick.
Have you noticed I’m standing next to a mannequin.
Man Behind Counter:
So really your just going to wait till the man shows up?
HE RAPED MY WIFE HERE!!
Woman Behind Counter: What the hell dude.
Hey, buddy, will you listen to me please? A damn tree branch tried to rape my girlfriend here!
Officer,Im here to report a remake… remake? my notes say it’s a prequel.
Man behind counter: Your a man you understand. A man has his needs! If you let us go, ill pay for you too.
IF YOU LET US OUT OF THIS SIR… ILL GIVE YOU A 100$ GIFT CARD FOR S-MART.
Here you go officer, she didn’t shop smart, she didn’t shop S-Mart.
LOOK BUDDY!
Sir I already told you, we are closed on Thursdays and Fridays. Read the sign.
Bruce, could you just…check out my screenplay real quick?
So So So So So!
Can can i ge.. get my sweet sweet crystal.
You can have Ex here!
Just a little shading on the upper lip…almost done…
Bruce….Bruce Cambell… B as in Boy, R as in Rob….
Campbell* geesh
OFFICER:YOU CAN HIDE THAT CHAINSAW ALL YOU WANT. BUT YOUR STILL UNDER ARREST FOR CARRYING A WEAPON.
OFFICER: SIR CAN YOU TURN THAT CHAINSAW OFF PLEASE. BRUCE: WHAT CHAINSAW?
I saw him eyeballing my pencil. Good thing I tied it to this string just in case.
So can you describe the demon that attacked you?
No you can’t have your boomstick back.
You kidding me? Napoleon could do a better “police sketch” than that!
This is a girlfriend to bring home to the cabin
Man behind counter:Shes up and ready, come on i need her out there!!
Officer:Hold up, i need to recored the time you guys leave.
Are the cells co-ed?
I already told you sir I will be with you in 1/2 an hour. I just need to ask the lady here a few questions…in private.
So you say your Elvis
You seriously don’t have our reservation?
Sorry, we’re all booked up…but I have some lovely cabins available
I told you to ring the bell if you need assistance.
Once again officer, there is no bell!!
Sir I already told you this is not a hotel. We do not have continental breakfast and you don’t want to eat the food here. Trust me…
Sir, this is not a hotel. Please stop asking.
I have all day to stare into your soul.
And that’s why you are just a security guard!
Sir, I am a security OFFICER!!
Now tell her she’s beautiful!
I already told you! The suspect looked like Henry Winkler!
I already told you! He looked like the guy from Blue’s Clues! You keep drawing the guy from Weezer, that’s not the same guy!
Colorful history, animated woods, spacious cellar, this cabin is a real steal!
The phone is on your left.
So you thought it’d be funny to bring a chainsaw to the mall?
Let me get this straight, you’re accusing trees of a party foul?
Sir, where are your hands? Just kidding, party on!
So here is my number, so call me maybe…….
Arrested for swimming naked?!? We were filming a scene for the remake of ‘Splash’!
So let me get this straight, Mr. Williams – you want to bring a THIRD girlfriend to this cabin in the woods?
Demons, not a flesh-eating virus! Get your classic horror straight!
So I thought, screw it! I’m having ice-cream!
There is a maniac cop on the loose and your charging me with indecent exposure of a large chin?
We’re gonna need a bigger chainsaw.
Well hello Mister Fancypants. Well, I’ve got news for you pal, you ain’t Chief’ of but two things, right now: Jack and shit… and Jack left town.
Oh you said look out for “chiggers” in the woods. Will do.
Yes officer, this chin is standard issue.
Yes officer, I do have a permit for this chin
ok ladies, here is the adress where you can get the swedish made penis enlarger pump!
Necronomicon, huh? So that’s what the kids are smoking these days.
So you kids were out in the woods “reading”. Riiight. Go on.
So..explain to me again WHY you stole the mannequin?
Do you have a description of the assailant that ruined this young ladies hair?
We have had a rash of pencil thieves recently.
I’m Bruce Campbell and you’re not.
Yes that is Old Spice you smell.
Thats right officer, this woman said she was unimpressed with the size of my penis, but we both know she is a liar.
Here is the number for my wife’s beautician. I HIGHLY recommend you pay her a visit.
First name Bruce, last name Campbell. Yes, like the soup.
Hey guy,you know who I am?Right Bruce Campbell.I kicked the fucking zombies back in hell.Now you really want to tell me I need to pay my parking ticket?
I told her it was just pillow talk baby, but she didn’t believe me
I’d like to report a crime!…Someone took my hair straightener.
So it’s spelled B-O-S-E? And your sure I’ll look like Elvis?
Officer, she misunderstood when I said,
Would you like to see my boomstick.
Officer, I’m telling you she didn’t cheat.
She got pregnant from a 3D porno!
With friends like you, who needs enemas?
Excuse me, have you seen my Congressional Medal of Honor around here?
Up the butt?
Gimme some sugar, Dennis!
Ash, did you srsly just UFIA me?
ahem…….i said, AHEM…..Hail to the King, piggy!
Oompah, oompah, doopity-do, I’ve got a dozen donuts for you!
That’s right officer, fell down the stairs, women, am I right?
Half hour minimum you say? But what if I only need 10, no, still full price huh…
I’m Bruce Campbell. Hey buddy I might not be Bruce Campbell but I did stay at a Holiday Inn last night.
Come on give me a key to one of your cells, she’s gonna “audition” for me.
Hey officer my chin gets paid more than you.
C’mon Officer, just on pee-pee touch?
I’ll trade you this hooker for some of your pot.
It’s called hair, get some.
Officer I told you we don’t want your autograph.
Are you serious Dennis, you had to eat the black beans from craft services?
Ha yeah right, you found a book and an audiotape that brought demons to life and they attacked you while you were in a cabin for spring break. Kids these days.
If I gave you $50, would you crimp my pubes too?
I’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts.
Used or not sir, we don’t accept returns on sex dolls…I’m sorry Mr. Campbell.
Let me get this down, subject raped by tree..
Listen, screwhead, we’re short on time.
Give me the room key, or out comes the boomstick!
No really officer… all these little versions of me just all went into her vagina! So do we need to be concerned? Seriously…
…and that, my liege, is how we know the Earth to be banana shaped.
Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
You must spank her well, and after you are done with her, you may deal with her as you like… and then… spank me.
Tell you what…
Tear up the ticket, and she’ll give YOU some sugar too.
If it’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s people groveling.
What do you MEAN I need to have her on a leash to walk her?
There is no way anyone would wanna watch a movie about kids in a cabin who find a book that makes demons come and attack them. It wont make a penny!
One question Mr. Campbell, when does Evil Dead 4 come out?
That’s what I said, officer.
She broke my boomstick!
I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time”. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Hi, I have a reservation under I’m Bruce Campbell I don’t make reservations, reservations make me.
Like math? We could add a bed, subtract our clothes, divide our legs, and multiply!
And then I yelled “This is my boomstick!” and shot the bitch in the face. True Story.
Our glorious, wig-like, mantles of hair have shamed you, sir.
We were told Sarah Connor was here.
Could we see her? PLEASE?
What do you do with a dog with no legs? Take it for a drag.
Hello, my name is Bruce, you killed my Dada, prepare to die!
Guard: Stop saying that!
Look, I’m not particularly proud of it, but apparently our precinct operates out of a discount dry cleaner/barber shop according to the sign on the wall.
We’ll never survive.
Guard: Nonsense. You’re only saying that because no one ever has.
Dennis, will you take my hand?
Dennis the Guard: That would leave you with one!
Look, Officer Librarian is it? We just wanna take a look at the Necronomicon for like 2 seconds.
Here’s to swimmin’ with bow-legged women.
Guard:That’s some bad hat, Harry.
Bruce:I’m not wearing a hat, that’s my hair.
How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday?
Tell her a joke on Friday?
The Bruce Campbell line: casual precinct wear.
I’m sorry officer. Let’s just pretend Spiderman 3 neeeeever happened.
The assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.
“Six please” she said, “I could never eat twelve!”
I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.
Excuse me officer. Quit checking out my ‘boomstick’…my furrowed brow is UP HERE.
Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
Can we speed this up officer? This girl is DTF!
This is an intervention…I’ll let combat green telephone start.
Seriously, missing/dead friends aside, ever think about squaring up some of that paperwork in your in box…?
I don’t understand this citation…burn…notice?
Used or not, we don’t accept returns for sex dolls Mr. Campbell.
Whatever she said I did is a lie.
I hope I don’t start balding like him.
Let’s be reasonable here, Officer.
1/2 hour allotted for conjugal visitation? For your best rate I can knock that in half! Oh yeah, and uh, Hail to the king baby!
Uh yeah, this one is broken…May I exchange it for another?
Don’t look, Don’t look, Damn I look.
What if I told you that with a modest application of Bruce Campbell’s ‘Hail to the Cream’ revitalizing follicle accelerator you too could have an amazing head of golden crimp like my lovely assistant, Crimpyna?
You do have a flex account, right?
(waves hand) This is not the prostitute you are looking for.
Officer: So all you have to say is Klaatu Barada Nikto.
Ash: Klaatu Barada N…Nippu…Neckburn…Nipple… It’s an “N” word, it’s definitely an “N” word!
Officer: I’ll just write it down for you.
So what do you think a dozen glazed for this lady.
Officer, I said give me some sugar baby
NOT, Here’s my number, so call me maybe.
I’m innocent.
Your arresting me for impersonating an officer in the dead next door? That guy wasn’t even me!
Are you a man or women???
I’m confused.
Welcome to the 1980′s you tranny
Hey rick. Mind if I get chitty chitty bang bang
in the back
If you let us go ill get you a part in the next sam raimi movie officer.
The laughing deer head,flying demon book and evil tree are all real! let me go im not on drugs!
Wait so your telling me you have not seen any of my movies? Its okay neither have I.
I told you. I dont know what happened. All I did was wish for my wife to be more like Barbie
Yeah I found this giant Barbie
Oh god no. This isnt a sex doll its my wife
Sir she was very convincing… but please remove that corpse from your chainsaw now.
Does mr. Benjamin say we can have sex in there
What do you mean you dont allow three way conjical visits.
I see that your pencil is secured with a string. Way to protect that investment.
best.
Here is $10,000 cash, all you have to do is go to as many chat rooms and say you love my movies
Klaatu Verata Nikto
Can you spell that for me?
But officer i only wanted to show her my BOOM STICK !!!!
So you’re telling me…the rapists were trees?
Barbie over here says she’ll let you feel up her turtle neck if you can sneak us past the other guard!!!
no, you don’t understand. i’m batman!
Officer are you gonna find the guy that did this to my wife’s hair…or not?
Version 2:
“Officer are you gonna find the guy that did this to my wife’s hair, or not? She’s crimping my style.”
what is that growth on your neck man?
Hello Sir would you be interested in purchasing a time share? It’s a beautiful cabin in the woods!
That’s a ridiculous story,
Why would they name you Ashley
That’s right. Members only. Just like my jacket.
So, what will you trade for her?
Good Ash. Bad Ash. I’m the one with the lethal hairdo chick.
Of course it was frightening! She looked at it and you can see what happened to her hair!
So I roughed that hairdresser up. Look what he did!
Well…. would ya?
So you see officer, crimpin’ ain’t easy…you’ve gotta keep your crimp iron strong.
“These instructions I’m writing for you will help you get this girl to cook and clean for you. That, or you’ll end up as one of the Walking Dead.”
Ladies and Gentlemen. The last member of the members only.
Pompadour Phil!
Cop- What are the ingredients for your Hair Tonic?
Did you realize your pencil is almost out of ink?
If you don’t understand that then talk to the chin and fuck off…
I’m Bruce Campbell… and I’m loudly judging you.
Officer, you appear to have a cocaine snot hanging from your right nostril.
Reminds me of Neil Young in The Last Waltz.
Have you recovered my stolen Members Only jacket yet?
It was a maniac, MANIAC at my door…
and he was dancing like he’s never danced before.
Alright sir level with me, is she REALLY a dude?
Don’t worry buddy, You’ll be back in the sequel.
So you’re saying that we’re looking for a guy with a bigger chin than yours? I find that had to believe.
* I find that hard to believe.
So according to the sign.. I only got a half hour?
Frankly, I don’t care if it was consensual.
I’m sorry but.. she’s going in for possession of the Stuff.
Officer I assure you..
The cabin isn’t what messed up this girl.
The necronomecon did this..
And now I can’t fix her.
I told her to give me some sugar..
Next thing I know Im back at her place crimping her hair!!
I B rate back, baby. Me and the chin gots a date.
Say that again, bubba. You’re workin’ for who?
Zombies you say? Have you met my SheBitch!?!
Ok Ma’am, so someone stole your husbands vibrator.
C’mon, can’t you let us off with a warning? We didn’t know crappy sequels were illegal!
No, that’s cheating! Two on one for a staring contest isn’t fair!
I don’t care who you are buddy, our rooms are all booked because the Evil Dead convention’s in town!
Officer someone tried to burn my lady friend’s hair..
Now why would they do that.
Look… I put the coin in and the bed didn’t vibrate. What are you prepared to do about this?
Nice!
So you’re saying…
Someone tried to run over your lady friend, because of her hair?
Who needs a hair crimp,
When you have the nerconomecon.
So how would you like a job at S-mart? You look like a bright boy.
Now write this down…
…Klaatu, Barada, Nikto.
Wait! Not so fast….spell ‘Propecia’
Bruce: Officer, are you writing any of this down?
Officer: No, I’m doing sudoku.
Ummmmmm I know i just met you, And this is crazy. But heres my Number, So call me Baby.
Theresa: Look us in the eyes and tell us we’re lying.
Cop: What’s a 5 letter word the term “fuck off”?
Now when you get there, knock 3 times, and recite these words….Klaatu, Verata, Nnnnnnnickle.
Tethered pencil eh? ..the crime rate must be up in your town, huh, Officer?
I’m you number one fan, Bruce! Here’s my address..come by my house tonight and I’ll show you my stuff.
Yeah I was in Sky High, so what about it Mr. Officer?
cop: hey I seen you on burn notice! bruce: hey ive seen you on cops!
Swingers Party?? address is?
Well yes, yes I was on Hercules and I was also on Xena, are you a fan? “NO”
the only way your going to keep me from getting the Limited Edition Walking Dead blu-ray is by locking me in here!
ok we’ll let you voice a cop car if there’s ever a cars 3 just let us out of here please officer.
Cop: “One Necronomicon, Cursed.
One unused prophylactic, One soiled.
Sign here.”
First she wanted to kill me and now she wants to kiss me and i would like to file a complaint.
I know….I would have made better “Lizard.”
Trust me, I’m on the list……I know the director of “Spider-Man.”
Hm? Congo? No I’ve never heard of it!
So, the suspect is a possesed, severed… hand?
You’d like to report a tree rape?
I’ll explain it one more time… the first ten minutes were a remake and THEN the sequel starts
Staring contest; ready? One… t.. you already lost
Make it out to “Bruce and Laurene, my biggest fans”!
Can you check one more time, please?
For the last time, you’re not on Mr. Raimi’s guest list!
I’m getting charged for HOW MANY counts of overacting?!
So, you’re telling me that my death coaster ISN’T street legal
Do I mind if I use your phone real quick? I need to call and fire my agent.
I’m sorry, sir, but I don’t think I can arrest Sam Raimi for giving you that part in Spider-Man 3
No, we don’t have a “bad-ass” division that you can join
Alright, you two are all checked in for the “Washed-up B-Movie Stars” support group
People really left that many comments? About THIS picture?
No, there must be some mistake, people wouldn’t leave comments like that… my fans LOVE me!
He had me on the floor and had his mouth over my asshole!
We’re here to audition for Grease
If you let us go, I’ll give a part in Bruce Campbell vs Frakenstein.
Nooo. I’m Ashley! .. A… S… H.. Oh, nevermind!
Wait, does anyone else hear a Michael Sembello song?
Popeye 2013: The Sam Raimi Reboot staring Bruce Cambell as Popeye.
And then I said listen here buddy nobody fucks my sister except me!
Yeah I snuck this bitch off the set of the manequin sequel…I’ll only need a half hour.
so that’s one cheese pizza, one cop that just won’t die…anything else folks?
Your damn right I want her arrested!!
Darryl Hannah MY ASS!!
Splash 2: Bruce Campbell vs. The Army Of Squids
so here is what i need your handcuffs, the interrogation room, and batman!!
Sorry Officer, I didn’t know it was illegal to show her my boom-stick.
I’m sorry?
You said she was arrested doing what!?
So you’re telling me that the remake is actually good!?
Mm?
Wait! Why should I vote for the black guy?
See, I told you she wasn’t bad for a tranny! Eh? Eh?
“Psst…Wanna throw a 20 in on this? She does ASS TO MOUTH.”
You’re going to really love the remake of The Evil Dead. Trust me.
Yes, I was in THE EVIL DEAD…Can we move on?
If you look close enough…You can see the face of Jesus.
Bruce: sir this is my ventriloquist dummy pam say hello pam. pam: hi sir!
That’s right, keep writing an there’s a nice,shiny doughnut in it for ya.
Mr. Campbell, I regret to inform you that The Adventures of Brisco County, Jr has been cancelled.
I was just giving the tranny a ride home.
You’re telling me they’re remaking Evil Dead and I’m not in it?
Officer, I swear I had nothing to do with “My Name is Bruce”.
Where was your boomstick stolen again. I already told ya SMART S-MART.
Look kid, I know John McClane and you ain’t him.
Look, maybe I didn’t say every single little tiny syllable… Oh wait, wrong movie.
“You are right sir, her tit’s are missing. I’ll get on it right away.”
Cops do it by the book.
Excuse me, “Security Officer”… could you go find me a REAL cop?
I’m bringing her in on charges of “Impersonating the Russian chick from Rocky 4″
Looks like you folks are being charged with “Impersonating Actors”
Bruce, please stop giving the officer the Stink Eye
Sure, I’ll look at your screenplay, but first can we deal with the Maniac Cop?!
Yes officer, that’s a lovely drawing
Maniac cop, good one Jack! Next you’ll be telling me about Deadites and Spider-Men!
Should we tell him the Maniac Cop is right behind him?
Nah.
So you’re just going to sit there and let it keep ringing? You’re quite the cop.
I call this one…Blue Steal
I believe it’s pronounced… “Menages a trois”
Soooo you didn’t like Spiderman 3?
Guys, don’t look so serious, it’s only “Tic-Tac-Toe”
Bruce you need to blink. Bruce… Bruce?
SLEEEEEEEEEEEEP! Man, cops hypnotize so easy….
Okay, so you didn’t like “Shelley the Airhead”. My next buddy is a Woozle, and his name’s Peanut!
I wonder how long it will take before he smells my fart….
…and if I stick my finger in the other hole, she smiles.
hahaha
“We’d like to file a missing person report. 6’1″, blonde hair, blue eyes, anatomically incorrect.”
“We’d like to file a missing person report. Male. 6’1″, blonde hair, blue eyes, anatomically incorrect.”
“So…. a Blonde and Bruce Campbell walk up to a security guard…..” “Oh, you’ve heard this one !?!”
and your name sir ,its campbell,Bruce campbell
she just keeps getting out of the basement , what do you want me to tell ya
Cop: You don’t look like Tom Atkins?
Bruce: No, that’s because he was thrown out a window within the first 30 minutes. I’m the new star.
So…does this place rent by the hour or what?
Ok #1 recipe for success: change name to Bruce Cambell
Campbell….I guess my fingers dont like the letter P geesh
Police Report: Spousal abuse, tried to swallow soul.
I can teach you how to tame your hair if you’d like
You know I used to be a officer myself…
So then I said if you don’t like B movies you can get the hell out
Officer, I swear she’s my girlfriend! Can we forget that whole solicitation business?
We just couldn’t find the same font size for the 1/2
It’s no wonder you guys didn’t get my phone call, How old is that damn thing?!
Yes, he was about 20 feet tall and looked like a tree
Anybody ever tell you that you look like Elvis?
‘Scuse me officer, I’m here to take care of your Guan-Di problem.
“You know how women driver’s are, they run into everything.”
“Caught her for whoring again, go figure”
“That’s right officer… Ive got a license to chin”
“OK, I’ll bail out the Coen brothers … for the offense of “Crimewave”"
“I SWEAR she was eighteen…”
Listen, Bub, I don’t care if you were only in there 5 minutes, you still pay the half-hour minimum….
Ash: BAZINGA!
Officer: Here, let me write down a few catchphrases for you, so you never have to use that again.
Ok,so let me get this straight. You picked her up,had sex with her, and your mad because she’s a man?
Yes, officer, I said “chainsaw”
You think scissors are gonna cut her hair?
I’d like to report the theft of one boomstick
Officer:So, magic, creatures, evil, stick that booms…
You Harry Potter?
Reality star? And Elvis? Are you fuc*&ng kidding?
Sorry, 48 hours, then you can report a missing career.
Damn it, Raimi… You know I hate acting in your conjugal visit fantasies…
Gimme 5 minutes with sequel-thievin’, court-date-skippin’ Glenn Macrae… “Consequences” indeed.
We want to press charges against the maniac who crimped her hair
Officer, I should be the one to give you my autograph, instead?
Bruce Campbell, you have the right to go and purchase me a box of assorted doughnuts, and here’s the address to doughnut king.
STOP LOOKING AT ME SWAN
Officer, can you please explain to her the difference between “legitimate” rape and date rape.
The suspect was wearing a black apron and had a blow dryer in one hand and a flat iron in the other.
Bruce Campbell welcomes the first female into the “Members Only” club.
wanna touch my boomstick officer, the she-bitch won’t do it!
I don’t want any jailhouse blues but would you like to touch my blue suede shoes!
Are you sure you don’t want my autograph?
I’m Bruce Campbell and she won’t even have sex with me!
Is that a boomstick in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
Look can I borrow a 40 to pay for this BJ?
So you say it had one eye, horns, and was purple…?
Hey officer,when i said would you like a autograph i meant MY autograph not yours !!!!
…and so you’re just trying to reunite her with her lost mannequin family.
Got it.
Look officer…this is a three way staring contest. So you’re gonna have to look up.
That’s right she doesn’t talk, just gawks.
This is not the Doug I was looking for.
You should hear her version of my rights…
Officer….I would like report the theft of my dignity.
Would you please get your chin off of my desk!
Calm down ma’am, I put an APB out on the “Crimping Bandit”.
So Ash, you were working when S-Mart was robbed?
I promise, you’ll both make it to the second sequel.
I’m sorry, the fashion police does ticket for hair too.
Officer, it’s a crime what the Deadites did to her hair.
Lady Gaga’s definitely a member of the Aryan Brotherhood… DO SOMETHING!
Excuse me ? How much for 1/2 hr ?
What’s the charge officer? Fifty accounts of not being able to act.
Look i’ve told you before… A chainsaw is not a hand!
Noooo,my wife is not Chrissy Snow from “Three’s Company”!!!
I got some bad news Bruce… This is the film you get more then five minutes screen time in.
I got some bad news Bruce… This is the last film you get more then five minutes screen time in.
Sorry Bruce but Kirk Douglas needs it back.
Soooo, a Mr Typecast,
Stole your Career?
Thats Rogaine AND Hairclub for Men?
Bruce: I’m telling you, my name is Bruce Campbell!
Officer: Nice try, Ash!
Yes officer….it’s bound in human flesh and inked in blood. Should be easy to recover.
I just don’t know if I like that color.
Look officer, we’re running out of wigs to show you!
Hold still you two, your portrait is almost finished
Folks, I said “Freeze” two hours ago… you can move now!
So we’re not even big enough stars to audition for “Dancing With The Stars”?!
Look officer, it’s simple horror movie math; we survive, you don’t.
Sorry pal, you’re a supporting character in a horror movie… you won’t make it to the third act
I’m going to level with you officer… you’re a beautiful man
I’m going to level with you officer… you’re an incredibly ugly man
Near as I can figure, the year is 1988… and I’m being typecast to death
You know your shoelace is untied. Don’t believe me? Well it’s worked before
Awesome! They finally remade “Splash”!
Real tomato ketchup, Eddie?
Hey pal you want to buy a gently used “Real Doll”!
Aww, chin up officer. She says “not in a million years fatso” to lots of guys!
Oh come on officer, she meant “nice hair” as a compliment!
So first you color, then you condition…
Hang on, let me write this down.
Alright put you lips like this, then blow… sounds just like a fart
We REALLY like this side of your face.
Yeah, I get that a lot.
Why won’t you write it?!
Because “Bruce Campbell” is NOT a 4-letter synonym for famous actor!
C’mon pal, quit stalling and pick…
Alright, I guess I’ll take 5 boxes of the thin mints.
So you’ve NEVER heard of me?
Yeah, Bruce Campbell… from “the Rocketeer”, right?
Excuse me, I need to find the closest Old Navy before midnight!
So far this has cost me nothing- I would like to keep it that way!
That’s right, she can’t understand us. She’s retarded.
So it’s really official?
Yes sir, you and your giant Barbie are legally married.
You ever thought about acting? I could use you in “Bubba Po-Po”
“Wait, are you trying to tell me, Bruce F-ing Campbell, that Sam Raimi is going to make more money that me? AND from some god damned ‘Spider Man’ movies?! What was that? He is going to cast me as a door man? Stick to your day job, Mr. Fancy Pants!”
security officer: let me guess bill compton and sookie stackhouse hahaha wheres your buddy eric
Yeah, I knows its big, but trust me, his face is WAY bigger than mine
Yes Officer we would like to report a missing Chin.
Sir, I assure you she’s top notch. I tried her out myself.
Cliff, I told you to screen these groupies! Her hair is crimped and clearly unacceptable.
We paid good money for that vibrator, and I’m not about to let the TSA take it away!
Look officer, we both know she’s over 18. I just tell people she’s 16 so I can do more business.
We are here for 1) post bail for Michael Westen; how much of a discount will I get for this blonde? and 2) file a report for a missing/stolen book “Necronomicon”; do you take those here or do you have the number for ghost busters?
That awkward moment when you realize that not being recognized while you’re signing in at the security desk for the remake of your own movie
is still better than being stuck on Burn Notice.
You’re going tear up my wife’s parking tickets, or I’m gonna shove this phone up your ass.
I’ve run out of comments. Watch this video where Bruce Campbell threatens to smash my camera and hit me with a water bottle. Then to top it off, he gives me the finger. In his defense, he was having a bad day. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LVuKoAn9RxQ
How the hell was I supposed to know this Russian hussy was a minor? Obviously she’s got a lot of city miles.
C’mon give us a break. We’re both navy men. No dice? My name? Chuck. Chuck Finley.
See, she doesn’t even blink. You can’t even tell I’m giving her the bowling ball grip.
We’re here to visit her mother, Henrietta. She’s the she-bitch in room 1408.
I’m with the fashion police. I’m writing your wife a citation for crimped hair.
Visiting hours prohibit 3-ways and all nature of orgy. No exceptions, Mr. Campbell.
Hello, would you please explain to my husband that he cannot have me committed for being a “crazy bitch”?
Can the hospital just please take her in for a few days until this PMS blows over?
I’m with the fashion police. This citation is for your wife’s crimped hair and aqua turtleneck. I’m going to let the jacket slide.
So Tina forgot to take her meds and blew some kid in the Food Court. So what? It happens.
How were we supposed to know you can’t have sex in the dressing room? Show me a sign that says that.
Loss Prevention…I caught her smuggling feminine hygiene products. Phew! She really needs them.
Look at me! While I undress you with my eyes.
I promise you officer, she’s NOT a mermaid! You’ve got the wrong movie!
Look at me! Not the puppet!
Excuse me, sir, can you tell us on what floor are they holding the Suzanne Somers lookalike contest???
So… you’re telling me it was a tree that attacked your wife?
Hi, I’m Sly Stallone and this is my friend Dolph Lundgren.
Now Bruce, are you sure we need an Evil Dead remake?
I’ve warned you two before: NO MORE SEQUELS!
Honey, I told you before that Fatty over here isn’t interested in joining your Jazzercise class!
Alright guys, contest is closed! Thanks! Winner will be announced tomorrow!
I’d like to have her shaved and deloused. If I’m not back by 3 just leave her tied to the dumpster out back.
Excuse me officer…
I’m here to bail out Sam Raimi
“The killer’s face is HUGE and shovel-esque! Think my chin… only smaller!”
” Ok ma’am let’s go over this again… Where was the last place you saw his detachable penis?
“Let me get this straight officer…it’s my fault an axe murderer snuck into my backseat because I didn’t lock the car doors?”
He was about 5’ 10″, heavy set. Double chin, balding…with…an alarmingly…frizzy comb-over…
What do you mean you will only help us if I show you my tits?!
No, I wasn’t in Splash the movie, I was Anna Nicole Smiths body double in “Country Plowin’.
Honey, my pubes are kinked too, did you want to see?
Bruce ) Officer quickly, this woman needs your help !
officer) Sorry Bruce theres nothing I can do she needs the fashion Police.
Say what again? They are making a Evil Dead remake.
You can be serious?!? I end up starring in a TNT show called Burn Notice???
I’m sorry….Klattu,Verata, what?
How to lose weight fast?
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Let’s see if you will take a seat the masked man with the knife in jail cell be will be able to assist you momentarily. Would you like shampoo along with your trim?