My ‘Worst of the Year’ list gets harder to put together each year, if only because I try to actively avoid shit I know I probably won’t like. I’ve skipped the last five Saw sequels, refused to subject myself to either of Rob Zombie’s Halloween bastardizations, and I’ve never seen a Twilight movie. What’s the point? I figure life is so short, and there are so many decent horror movies out there, why waste 90 precious minutes on a guaranteed bust like Paranormal Activity 2? But even when employing a heavy-duty entertainment filter, some shit will invariably seep through the cracks. There’s no way that I can possibly ‘unsee’ the following five films from 2010-like lingering memories of the Vietnam War, their cinematic ineptitude will forever take up space in my subconscious-but perhaps my pain and anguish can serve as a warning for any fatally curious horror fans out there.
One of the more polarizing films of 2010. Some praised the sheer originality of Vincenzo Natali’s genetic horror flick, while others complained about its rampant idiocy. Let’s recap: two genetic engineers create a DNA mutant monster, complete with stinger. Sarah Polley dresses it in doll clothes and raises it as a daughter. Adrien Brody plays step-dad until it grows into a creature that’s somewhat feminine and then fucks it. The creature finally gets its revenge by stinger-raping Polley. Yeah, I’m not making any of this up.
A movie so bad, for awhile it plays like an inside joke-at the audience’s expense. A handful of B-movie has-beens gather in a cabin to play a super-gay board game and get on each other’s nerves. Like watching home movies of somebody else’s contentious family reunion. You can’t get it out of your DVD player fast enough.
Michael Madsen pulled himself away from his beer-filled mini-fridge just long enough to anchor this abysmal attempt at torture-porn. Three bickering characters screech their way through the first hour, leaving Madsen free to sleepwalk through tons of awkward exposition during the ‘climax’. And Jennifer Tisdale (Dark Ride) does her very best to annoy the living fuck out of you.
Apparently today’s teens can’t stay awake for shit. Seriously, these kids would sleep through a nuclear attack. They should rename this movie The Elm Street Narcoleptics. And is it true that Jackie Earl Hailey played Freddy? Really? His visage was buried under so much sloppy make-up, the role could have been played by Gary Coleman for all I could tell. A complete insult to fans of the franchise.
How this piece of shit made it into the 2010 Sundance Film Festival is anybody’s best guess. The Butcher Brothers’ clusterfuck of a movie is alternately irritating, confusing, boring, stupid, and exhausting. Nerds dressed as bikers awaken an alien rockabilly gang from the 1950s who turn them into face-eating zombies-or something. Trust me, it’s a mess. As of today, The Violent Kind has yet to receive a distribution deal. Which means that possibly-hopefully-this paragraph will be the last you ever hear of the Brothers’ epic Sundance fail.
Night of the Living Heads, Bikini Bloodbath Christmas, Don’t Look Up, Ferozz: Wild Riding Hood